


I Have Held You in My Heart

by photographer_of_thoughts



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Boys In Love, Childhood Friends, Coming Untouched, Eating Disorders, Epic Love, Friends With Benefits, Getting Together, Insecure Isak, M/M, Medical Conditions, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Cancer, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Rehabilitation, Surgery, Therapy, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-09-17 17:00:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 47,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16978479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/photographer_of_thoughts/pseuds/photographer_of_thoughts
Summary: “If one of us finds a proper girlfriend or boyfriend, we stop doing this, okay?” Even had said after the first time it happened, Isak freshly seventeen and lying on Even’s chest.Friends-With-Benefits University AU in which Even makes rules and Isak follows them. They sleep together sometimes - a lot of times - and Isak knows how in love he is. But then Even gets a girlfriend, and everything changes.





	1. Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> Hello friends! 
> 
> Here I am, back again with another story. :) I just can't stay away. Hope you enjoy!

**October**

 

“There’s a party tonight. You’re coming, right?”

 

Even whispered the words into Isak’s ear during their lecture and it sent shivers all up Isak’s back. He turned and glanced at his best friend, smirking when he saw his notebook completely blank. Isak had been taking extensive notes, absorbed in the material of the lesson, and as usual Even didn’t give a fuck.

 

“I don’t know. What’s so special about it?”

 

Even pointed to his own chest, saying “I’ll be there” and Isak absolutely hated how flawless his friend looked today. Rumpled jean jacket over a maroon sweater, his black pants torn at the knees and his hair swept back. He also smelled like that cologne Isak loved and it was driving him a little crazy.

 

Isak shrugged, turning his attention back to their professor and tried not to think about how he hadn’t put any effort into his own outfit today. He couldn’t even say with confidence that he put on deodorant before leaving his apartment. “Well, count me out then. Sounds boring.”

 

“I’ll pick you up at 9.”

 

Even put his arm around the back of Isak’s chair, playfully tugging the hair on Isak’s neck and _what the fuck_. That wasn’t fair.

 

“Only if you start writing your own damn notes. You’re not copying mine again.” Isak huffed, glaring at the people next to them who had starting tutting at them for talking; putting a finger up to their lips.

 

“Aw, baby you say that every week.” Even whispered, flipping off the same people and closing his book entirely.

 

**

 

“I thought university would be more exciting.” Magnus said gloomily, sitting down next to Isak and Jonas who were both studying for their separate tests. “I mean, it’s just false advertising. Everyone on the brochures is smiling. I haven’t smiled in a _month.”_

 

Isak chuckled, throwing a glance at Jonas. Magnus had only just started university whereas they were in second year. Magnus had wanted to take a year off to work and save up money, which he had, but now the reality of being back in school was proving difficult for him.

 

“Time management is your friend, Mags.” Jonas said. “Figure out what’s most important and do that first. Give yourself breaks in between studying.”

 

“Oh, sure. You say that like I have _any_ idea what’s happening in my five classes. I mostly sit in each of them wondering what the hell is going on.”

 

“Well, there’s a party tonight. Even is coming to get me around 9, if you want to join.” Isak offered, smiling as Magnus’s eyes lit up.

 

“Hell yes. Some actual good news!”

 

“I’m also in. I could use a night to get drunk.” Jonas nodded.

 

“I’ll text you the address when Even picks me up.”

 

**

 

This year, Isak had somehow managed to score a one-bedroom apartment close to the university at a cheap cost with relatively nice neighbours. He’d answered an add to take over the previous guy’s lease, which wasn’t up for another nine months, because he was leaving Norway.

 

He’d always imagined himself living with lots of people, as he’d done last year in the dorms, but he was often glad for the privacy. He liked coming back, throwing his stuff wherever he wanted, and being able to know exactly what was in his fridge - which was usually not a lot, but he also wasn’t judged for it either.

 

He liked that nobody kept tabs on him. Except for Even, who did that way too much when it wasn’t necessary. Isak was twenty years old. He could take care of himself.

 

As if on cue, Isak pulled his phone out and got a message from Even. He rolled his eyes as he read it.

  


(18:45) I’m assuming you need groceries

 

I’m bringing some over tonight.

 

Fuck off. I have food

 

You never have food

 

I have fruit, cheese, bread. Im fine

 

I’m bringing some extra stuff anyways

 

Even stop

 

Please? It will give me some peace of mind

 

..fine

 

<3 <3

**

 

Isak had just gotten out of the shower and was towel drying his hair when his doorbell rang. He frowned, glancing at his phone. It was only 19:57. He had plenty of time before the party.

 

He walked to the door and opened it, sighing when he saw Even with two handfuls of groceries under his arms.

 

“Just ‘some’ extras, huh?”

 

“I might have gone a little overboard. I always buy double of everything. Weird, huh?” Even winked, walking towards the kitchen. Isak followed, slightly frustrated that Even did this every week. It was getting kind of old.

 

He stood in the doorway and watched as Even put the food in the fridge and cupboards, talking about something he’d seen in the courtyard today during his break. Isak wasn’t paying much attention, too focused on how much food Even was putting away. Tons of pasta. Bread. Cereal.

 

Too many carbs. Too much sugar. Isak felt a little queasy.

 

“Have you had dinner?” Even asked when he was finished, putting the plastic bags in the drawer near the oven.

 

“Please stop. This doesn’t help. I’ve told you that before.” Isak pleaded, frowning and looking at his feet. He didn’t want to keep staring at his friend, jealousy pumping through his veins.

 

Once again, Even was dressed up like a model - every part of him gorgeous. He’d changed into light blue jeans, a black sweater with his new leather jacket thrown on top. He smelled like cinnamon. His body was naturally lean and fit, despite the fact that he ate so much food. He had always been everything Isak was not.

 

“Hey,” Even said softly, suddenly in front of Isak. He put a finger under Isak’s chin and lifted his face until they were looking at each other. “I’m sorry. Forgive me?”

 

How could he not? Isak nodded slowly, watching as Even’s mouth turned up into a smile before he leaned in and kissed Isak.

 

It was always like this with Even. He was always so open, so willing to take and give until both of them were dizzy. He wrapped his strong arms around Isak, surrounding him in warmth, parting Isak’s lips with his tongue.

 

“You’re so soft from the shower,” Even whispered, placing kisses along Isak’s neck; hands beginning to wander. “You smell good.”

 

“Shut up,” Isak deflected, smiling as he wrapped his own arms around Even’s middle. “You smell better.”

 

Even pulled back and took Isak’s hand, leading him through his own apartment into his small but cozy bedroom. Isak followed, trying to get himself to calm down. Every time Even initiated stuff between them Isak was always unprepared; nervous. He was never confident like he tried to convince himself he would be, lying alone at night thinking about the next time they had sex. He thought he’d finally take charge, maybe surprise Even by leading them, pushing Even down on the bed and kissing him fiercely.

 

But once again it was Even who got Isak on his back, legs wrapped around his friend’s strong waist as Even hovered above him; smiling kindly. Isak could feel himself shaking as he closed his eyes, accepting Even’s rushed kisses.

 

“Do you want me, Isak?” He whispered right into Isak’s ear, licking the lobe.

 

“Yes, Even. You know I do.”

 

Even opened the towel Isak had around his own waist. He hadn’t changed into his party clothes before Even arrived. He hadn’t put on deodorant either, or brushed his teeth yet. That thought suddenly made him squirm, wanting to excuse himself for a moment and come back smelling minty fresh. He attempted to do it, but Even shook his head.

 

“Isak, I’m so hard for you. You taste incredible. Don’t go.” Even moaned, thrusting his hips down into Isak’s groin and making him whimper.

 

“But, Even I…”

 

“No, baby. Stay here with me. Let me make you feel good.”

 

Isak hated how insecure he became around Even when they were like this, when he let himself be vulnerable. He could banter with Even all day during their classes, get drunk and laugh loudly and openly at parties - showing off to their friends and random strangers.

 

Nobody else knew how small Isak actually felt inside. Nobody understood that Isak wasn’t comfortable in his own skin, hadn’t been since he was fourteen when puberty didn’t hit him fast enough. He’d hung onto his baby weight years longer than his friends. Longer than Even, who had shot up like a tree and began to gain muscle from being on the track team while Isak sat on the sidelines cheering him on and eating too many kebabs.

 

Nobody could make the loathing Isak lived with everyday dissipate, no matter how many people he slept with or how many times someone called him attractive.

 

Nobody got it.

 

Nobody except Even.

 

“That’s it, Isak. You’re opening up so well for me.” Even moaned, three fingers deep inside Isak’s body. His dick was so hard and red, wet even though it hadn’t been touched at all.

 

He clung to Even’s shoulders, back arching as the tips of his fingers collided with Isak’s prostate. He nearly came just from that but Even took his hand away seconds later, rubbing lube on his own cock.

 

“I want it, Evy. Without you touching...me.” Isak said almost inaudibly, reaching up and running his hand through Even’s messed up hair. They were both breathing heavily, right into each other’s mouths.

 

Isak was no longer thinking about how he smelled, what he tasted like. When Even’s eyes were on him and he finally let himself go, he only cared about the boy on top of him. His best friend of ten years, the one he lost his virginity to. The man who held him when his family tore apart. The one who loved Isak even though he was so broken.

 

The man Isak was hopelessly in love with.

 

“Turn over.” Even said, placing a last lingering kiss on Isak’s mouth before Isak got on his hands and knees - both of them knowing this was the only way to achieve what Isak wanted.

 

Even knew exactly what to do, every single time, and there had been _many_ times. But it never stopped surprising Isak when he felt the initial breach, how Even took his time going in, his legs trembling with the effort to go slowly. And Isak could never hold back his loud moans of pleasure when Even pushed his chest to the bed but held his hips up, beginning to go faster and faster until their skin was slapping together; both of them lost to the intensity of it.

 

Isak could feel how close he already was, his body tensed tight from too many hours studying this week. Too much caffeine and not enough sleep. Too many days without three meals. Too many sleepless nights without the boy currently inside of him - his hands on someone else’s skin.

 

But he was here now, groaning Isak’s name, digging his fingernails into Isak’s thin hips.

 

“Come for me, baby.” Even demanded, his right hand finding Isak’s shoulder and pulling him back harder on Even’s cock.

 

Isak let out a stream of shouts, most of it a mix of Even’s name and swear words, feeling his orgasm rush through and out of him, making a mess of his bed. He felt the tension leave his body, the ache in his heart and guts as he felt Even finish as well, kissing Isak’s back as soon as they both could think again.

 

And then he was being brought onto Even’s chest, lying together and ignoring the sticky sheets, smiling at the way his friend held him.

 

In that moment, Isak was okay. He was whole.

 

**

 

Isak messaged Magnus and Jonas where the party was and they’d showed up with lots of alcohol. Apparently Jonas hadn’t been kidding when he said he needed a night to get drunk because he was already halfway there when he walked through the door.

 

Even had disappeared into the mass of third year university students, some of them Isak knew but most of them were Even’s crowd. The students in classes Isak didn’t share with Even. That was most of them if Isak was being honest, Even only in the shared classes because he had some electives to use up and he wanted to spend them with Isak despite their different majors.

 

Isak was drunk by midnight, needing to go home. Too little food and too much alcohol was a bad combination. He hadn’t seen Even for a few hours but that was normal for parties. He imagined Even was getting stoned somewhere, discussing films with people to ‘educate them.’

 

Isak was in the process of saying goodbye unsteadily to Jonas and Magnus when he felt an arm drop across his shoulders.

 

“Can we talk?” Even asked, sounding way too serious in their current situation.

 

“Okay. I’m going home now, though. Let’s talk outside while I call an Uber.” Isak said, hoping he wasn’t slurring his words too badly. Even chuckled so he must have messed up some of his sentence but he didn’t have the brain power to care.

 

The stood on the empty porch of the house together, Isak still having no clue whose house this was. Even lit a joint, passing it to Isak who refused. He didn’t want to throw up in the morning and if he mixed booze and weed he was definitely going to.

 

“I need to tell you something.” Even said, pulling Isak’s phone out of his hands and smirking at Isak’s squeak of annoyance. “And it requires your full attention.”

 

“Can’t you tell me in the morning? Or better yet, come over and stay. I like it when you stay over.” Isak said, drunk enough that he could admit it.

 

He did like waking up next to Even. He liked to pretend it was his everyday reality and not just something that happened sometimes because they were best friends with benefits. They’d been doing that for years. It was an arrangement Even had come up with and Isak had gone along with it, unable to ask for more.

 

Too afraid Even wouldn’t _ever_ want more.

 

“We can’t, baby. That’s what I need to talk to you about.” Even said, back to being serious again and Isak felt breathless.

 

_“If one of us finds a proper girlfriend or boyfriend, we stop doing this, okay?” Even had said after the first time it happened, Isak freshly seventeen and lying on Even’s chest._

 

_Isak had been in a bubble of happiness, unable to believe that what he’d been dreaming of for most of the last three years had finally happened.  He didn’t want to think about either of them dating someone else. He didn’t know why Even was bringing this up._

 

_“Friends with benefits though, right? Like we’ll always be there for each other because we’re friends, but sex is just sex. We don’t want to lose our friendship because we try and start dating.” Even continued, smiling like his idea made the most sense in the world._

 

_Of course he hadn’t thought of actually being with Isak, together as boyfriends. He just wanted Isak sometimes, when they were in the mood._

 

_“Right. I wouldn’t want to date you anyway.” Isak had joked, sitting up and feeling like he was going to puke. He leaned over and grabbed his underwear, putting it back on and standing up._

 

_“This is going to be awesome. Like normal, but with sex. Which is better.”_

 

As Isak stared at Even, his drunk brain remembering their conversation three years ago, he suddenly understood what was happening.

 

Neither of them had properly dated someone since beginning to sleep together. They had both slept with other people, but it was never serious. Both of them had the most sex with each other, and it was pretty frequently. Every week. Sometimes three times.

 

They stayed at each other’s apartments. They slept over like they did as boys.

 

They’d never had to change anything because neither of them found someone they wanted to spend more time with than each other. But Even’s face said it all as he blew smoke out of his mouth, his eyes anxious.

 

“Girlfriend or boyfriend?” Isak asked, grabbing his phone out of Even’s hand and pulling up the Uber app. He needed to get home right the hell now.

 

“Girlfriend. Isak, I…”

 

“What’s her name?”

 

Even hesitated, frowning a little. “Sonja. We met in class. She just moved here from Denmark and she’s... _gorgeous._ I can’t stop staring at her when we’re together and she has this fantastic smile. And she’s smart too. You’ll like her.”

 

Isak’s phone buzzed, letting him know his ride was here. He looked around and spotted the car, begging to walk down the stairs.

 

“Okay. I gotta go now, Even.” Isak said, not waiting for a reply.

 

He ran to the car, opened the door and as soon as the house was out of sight he put his head in his hands and began to sob.

 


	2. My Bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have watched the bloopers seven or eight times last night, but who's counting? :P 
> 
> Thanks for all your kindness on the first chapter :) I'm glad you're liking it so far

(10:02) Hey

 (10:36) Isak?

 (11:03) Are you hungover as fuck? Need some aspirin?

 (11:24) Eat something, it’ll help

 (11:57) Let’s go get brunch

 

I’m fine

 Gonna stay home and study

 Test on Monday

 

Please?

 We should talk

 Now that you’re sober :P

 

I really can’t

 Sorry

 

Isak decided to turn his phone off entirely after that because he couldn’t talk to Even right now. He didn’t want to think about him. Especially with someone else. Someone who had a name. Someone who was his best friend’s girlfriend, like that was supposed to fucking _mean_ something.

 

Isak got out of his bed, knowing he should shower. He’d woken up at six, his stomach cramping because he was so hungry. He ate a slice of bread, swallowing dryly; his throat hating him. He drank one glass of water and went back to bed.

 

He didn’t want to be conscious but he actually did have a test. He hadn’t studied much at all for it because he knew the material, but reviewing was something he had to do in order to feel confident during a test. Might as well do it today. What the hell else would he be doing?

 

Even had someone else to get brunch with now. He didn’t need Isak. He imagined their tradition of brunch after a night out drinking - mostly Even drinking - would fade away. Maybe Even had wanted to do that one more time before his time would be given to school and Sonja only.

 

_Stop fucking thinking about it. This is what you signed up for. Once one of us starts dating, we stop sleeping together. Simple._

 

Isak turned the water on extra hot and stood under it for as long as possible, hoping to boil his brain enough that he might forget last night. He might get rid of Even’s voice describing his girlfriend with such fondness, the stupid goofy-grin Isak only saw when he was immensely happy on his dumb, ugly face.

 

_The most beautiful face._

 

By 13:00, Isak was dressed and sitting at his desk with his review spread out in front of him. He’d made coffee to try and perk himself up. He eyed up the fruit bowl on his counter, debating eating a banana. But he decided to wait, drink his coffee first, and see how much that pushed away his appetite. He would eventually let himself eat, but he always delayed it. 

 

His phone was still off but that was almost more distracting than having it on. He rolled his eyes at how dramatic he was being, trying to talk himself out of whatever crisis he was in.

 

A knock on his door startled him out of his thoughts and he rolled his eyes as he got up. Of course.

 

Of course Even would show up like he always does. Of course he would think this was _okay._ Of course he couldn’t give Isak time to process that whatever they had between them was over.

 

His heart hammered as he opened the door, trying to think of a way to tell his friend to leave him the hell alone. But when he opened the door he saw Jonas grinning at him, holding a bag of food.

 

He hated that he was so disappointed.

 

The food was in a bag from the pancake cafe (that also served brunch ) Isak and Even always went to - probably where he would be right now if he hadn’t turned down Even’s offer.

 

“Good afternoon! I come bringing pancakes.” Jonas smiled, walking past Isak and into the kitchen.

 

“Um, thanks?”

 

“Don’t thank me. Even made me come to the cafe, pick up the food, and told me to bring it to you as fast as possible. Since when do people have ‘pancake emergencies’? Is that actually a thing?”

 

Isak’s heart practically flipped over, making him feel light-headed. He gripped the top of a kitchen chair for balance, seeing how Jonas’s eyes went wide with concern. Why the fuck was Even doing this? _Why_ was he making it so damn hard?

 

Pancake emergencies were their thing. Since they were eleven and it was the only thing they knew how to make by themselves when Isak came over unexpectedly because he needed somewhere to run to; Even’s parents asleep as they crept to the kitchen. Since Isak’s mom was taken away. Since Lea went to Canada for work. Since Isak got out of the hospital and it was one of the only things he’d let himself eat.

 

Pancake emergencies were reserved for when Isak was hurting. It was Even’s way of comforting him but also to know Isak was eating something. Because he worried. Because he micro-managed Isak’s life. Because that’s how Isak had always imagined Even said ‘I love you’ without words.

 

Isak snatched the bag and put it in the fridge.

 

“No. It’s not a thing. He’s just fucking weird.” Isak tried to say it nonchalantly, but Jonas didn’t buy it. He sat down at the table and motioned for Isak to join him. “I have a test to study for, Jonas. Thanks for bringing the food but I…”

 

“Even mentioned you were studying. But I call bullshit.”

 

“Jesus Christ. You two are ganging up on me.” Isak whined, sitting down and putting his forehead on the table; his arms hanging uselessly in front of him. “I’m too hungover for this crap.”

 

“I call bullshit because Even was with a pretty girl at the cafe, and he looked guilty as hell about it.” Jonas said cautiously, raising his eyebrows in Isak’s direction.

 

Isak sat up properly and crossed his arms in front of his chest. _That_ was the reason he wanted to have brunch? So Isak could meet Sonja? So Even could show off his new girlfriend to the guy he fucked the night before?

 

Isak was seething.

 

“He has a girlfriend now. So what?”

 

“ _So what?_ Isak, come on.” Jonas stated, looking baffled as to why Isak was so calm. If he could look inside Isak’s brain right now though, he’d see how Isak was crumbling into tiny pieces with each passing second. He would see how Isak was trying to figure out how things would work now.

 

He didn’t remember how to be just friends with Even. It had been too long.

 

_“Friends with benefits? How cliche are you?” Jonas asked the day after Isak and Even had first slept together, Isak a ball of giddiness as he’d walked to school with Jonas._

 

_“It’s not cliche. It’s a thing. People do it all the time.” Isak said, smacking his friend on the arm._

 

_“Why don’t you just date each other? You’ve been in love since you were kids.”_

 

_“No, we haven’t.”_

 

 _“Fine._ You’ve _been in love with_ him _since you were kids.”_

 

_Isak had denied it, but he knew it was the truth. He knew everyone could probably see it; how desperately Isak pined after his friend who he kind of also idolized. He still couldn’t believe Even fancied him that way. He was still blushing from what they’d done the previous night, how badly Even had seemed to want it._

 

_“I don’t want this to...I don’t know. End badly. You don’t deserve that, Issy.” Jonas said just as they walked inside. Isak didn’t like how serious his voice was. He was supposed to be happy for Isak._

 

_“It won’t end badly. If we stop sleeping together we’ll still be friends. No harm done.” Isak said, and at the time he’d meant it. He couldn’t envision how any of this would go wrong._

 

_He had still been young enough to believe he could somehow make Even fall in love with him too._

 

“Don’t look at me like that, Jonas. Please?” Isak asked, knowing exactly what his friend was thinking.

 

“Okay.” Jonas sighed, shaking his head. “But I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

 

“We should talk about the party last night. What the hell happened to you guys?” Isak asked, deflecting because he was an expert at it.

 

He also wanted to talk about something else besides how everything in his life would be different now.

 

**

 

(17:03) Hey

 

He lives!

 How were the pancakes?

 

If you wanted me to meet your girlfriend, you could have just asked

 Don’t use the pancake thing on me

 I’m not upset

 And don’t drag Jonas into things

 

Okay

 My bad

 I thought you might want pancakes anyways

 Due to being hungover and shit

 

Does syrup cure everything?

 

Hell yeah

 :P

 How goes the studying?

 

I’m kind of bored to death of it, tbh

 

Let’s meet for coffee then

 If you want

 Just us?

 

Okay. 20 mins at KB?

 

Okay :)

 

Isak had decided that if he was going to survive this he had to act like he was all right. He would have to accept that Even wanted to be with someone else. They hadn’t been dating anyways. It’s not like Even had broken up with him or something.

 

It had never been a promise. They’d agreed to rules. Simple. It wasn’t Even’s fault Isak was in love with him. It wasn’t his friend’s fault Isak had let himself fall in love with someone who didn’t love him back.

 

Even didn’t deserve to have that taken out on him.

 

So, Isak decided they should get together as normal. They could still go to films and eat brunch and do friend stuff because that’s what their relationship had always been. A solid friendship that had lasted ten years. Why would a girlfriend ruin all of that? Why did Isak have to wake up being the most dramatic person who ever lived?

 

Even was sitting at a booth next to the window, two coffees in front of him. He always did this. Showed up early and had drinks ready to go, a smile on his face that had no business being so attractive.

 

Isak didn’t realize how endearing the whole thing was until he was standing in front of the booth, smiling sheepishly at his friend.

 

“You look way too pleased with yourself.” Isak mumbled, sitting down and taking his coat off.

 

Even made a mock ‘I’m hurt’ sound and put his hand on his chest. “Can’t I buy coffee for my best friend and be happy about seeing you? Why do you hurt me this way?”

 

“Shut up. How was your day?” Isak smiled, sipping his coffee. Even had of course put the right amount of everything into it and it was perfectly sweet. He let himself enjoy the calories without feeling too bad.

 

“Boring. Got brunch this morning, as you know, and had Jonas get the pancakes. Went home after and did some work on my film project. And now I’m here.” Even explained, reaching across the table and taking Isak’s hand between his own.

 

It was another thing he always did when they went for coffee. And dinner. Especially when they had pancakes.

 

_Fuck._

 

Isak was going to be hyper-aware of everything now. Every small touch. Every best friend thing they had between them. Except now it would hurt more because he wouldn’t get the added bonus of the physical closeness he’d come to love and crave.

 

Friends without benefits was going to fucking suck.

 

“How’s the project going?” Isak asked, trying to pull his hand away but Even wouldn’t let him go.

 

“I don’t want to talk about the project, Is.”

 

“Okay? What do you want to…”

 

“Sonja.”

 

Isak swallowed down one more sip of his coffee before he snatched his hand away and put both of them together under the table. Now Even wouldn’t be able to touch him at all, which was going to allow him to be able to actually think.

 

“I _knew_ you were upset. Isak, can we just talk about it?” Even pleaded, looking actually hurt now when he had no right to be. Why was he so surprised Isak was trying to put some kind of distance between them?

 

“I’m not _upset._ But I doubt your girlfriend would like it if her boyfriend is holding hands with someone else. Don’t you think?” Isak asked, trying to make his voice neutral.

 

“She knows we’re close. She knows you're my best friend.”

 

“Okay. But...we kind of act sometimes like we’re more than friends. Not all friends touch all the time, or hold hands, or sit in each other’s laps. Like...don’t you see that? You have to be aware of these things, Even.”

 

Even looked genuinely confused as he frowned at Isak. He could practically see the wheels turning inside Even’s brain, working through what Isak had suggested.

 

“I guess that makes sense. But I...we could still…” Even cut himself off, looking embarrassed. Isak looked down at the table, not wanting to see the realization on Even’s face. It was like he’d just realized what this meant for them.

 

“And don’t tell her about yesterday. I wouldn’t want to know the person I’m dating fucked someone else.” Isak said quietly, squirming in his seat a little bit. He hadn’t felt this uncomfortable around Even before.

 

Even had always been his peace. His safe place.

 

His home.

 

“We only made it official during the party last night, Is. Shit. I should have mentioned that. I didn’t cheat on her with you or anything. And me and her haven’t slept together.” Even was quick to explain, reaching in front of him for the hands that weren’t there. “Isak, give me your hands please.”

 

“Even, what did we _just_ say?”

 

“Please?”

 

Isak sighed loudly and plunked his hands on the table. Even grabbed them immediately and stroked the knuckles in the soothing way he always did. Once again he was doing something that usually happened when Isak was sad or angry; when something had happened to make his heart heavy. It was definitely one of those times, but the usual reassurance that came from Even wasn’t helping.

 

Even had suddenly become the last person in the world who could comfort Isak properly.

 

“We’re still friends. I’m still here for you and want to spend time with you. Just because I’m dating someone doesn’t mean…”

 

“I _know._ I know this already, Even. Don’t speak to me like I’m a child.”

 

“Okay. Sorry. It’s a habit of mine. Making sure you’re alright.” Even smiled but it was weak.

 

“I’m happy for you, okay?” Isak made himself say, because he knew that’s what Even wanted to hear. “I’m glad you found someone you...like.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yes. Promise.”

 

Even looked unconvinced. He was squeezing Isak’s hands almost too tight now, his skin hot and sweaty. Isak wanted to pull away but he told himself not to. He just looked directly into Even’s eyes and tried to be happy for him. He tried to be the best friend Even needed right now.

 

“Can I walk you home?”

 

“Sure.”

 

**

 

“We need to find you a boyfriend. Do you still have Grindr?” Even asked, chuckling as they turned the corner and headed towards Isak’s apartment building.

 

Isak was back to hating everything. Absolutely everything.

 

“Yep. Still have it.”

 

“Get on it now. See who’s around.”

 

“No. I’m going to study and go to bed.” Isak said, trying to smile. Trying to remember Even wouldn’t be spending the night again. He wouldn’t wake up next to the boy beside him anymore.

 

“Lame! I could like, find someone for you. Pimp you out!”

 

“What the _fuck?”_ Isak wailed, stopping in his tracks and pushing Even’s shoulder. He couldn’t help the startled laugh that he made. “It’s called being a wingman you dingus!”

 

“Oh, right. My bad.” Even smiled, wrapping his arm around Isak’s shoulders as they continued to walk.

 

 _My bad._ Such an Even saying.

 

“Being my pimp would mean I’m protistuted out by you. Which, hell no.”

 

“Protistuted, really?”

 

“Yeah. Protistuted.”

 

Isak frowned at his friend, not knowing why Even had a shit eating grin on his face.

 

“You’re saying it wrong.” Even smirked, stopping out front of Isak’s building. He brought Isak closer, still looking way too pleased with himself.

 

“I am not! That’s how you say it.” Isak exclaimed, unable to help looking right at Even’s mouth.

 

“It’s prostituted. You’d be prostituted out by me.”

 

Isak thought for a second, saying the sentence over under his breath. He realized his error, how silly he sounded and he threw his head back.

 

“Fuck! No! Is it like that?”

 

“Yep.” Even smiled, and they both laughed hard together.

 

Isak momentarily forgot what was happening. He forgot how unhappy he’d been all day. Just for this moment, standing in the cold October evening with his favourite person in the world, he let himself be happy.


	3. Defect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All righty. This chapter is a lot of angst. Some flashbacks that explain a little more about Isak's eating habits and his feelings about Even.
> 
> I'll make it better soon :)

Three days after Isak met Sonja - who was definitely beautiful and smart and everything he wished he could be for Even - he found himself in a university dorm straddling a boy from Grindr, kissing his soft lips. Trying to forget he couldn’t do this with Even anymore. 

 

The boy - Daniel - was shirtless and pulling at the hem of Isak’s shirt as well. He was kind and cute, interesting. Isak had enjoyed getting a drink with him. But he knew they were both mostly here for one thing. So he let Daniel take his shirt off and he dove back in to continue the kissing as Daniel’s hands explored his torso. 

 

“What’s this?” Daniel asked, pulling his mouth away. His fingers were tracing the scar on Isak’s chest. A faded, raised red line that ran from his collarbones directly between his nipples and ended near the bottom of his lungs. 

 

“Oh,” Isak shrugged, looking down at it. “I had surgery when I was a baby.” 

 

Daniel began moving his hand up and down the scar, feeling the texture of it - looking fascinated. Isak squirmed, uncomfortable; trying to push away thoughts of Even doing this very thing - each time they had sex. From the first to the very last. 

 

_ “Scars are beautiful, Issy. Don’t hide from me.”  _

 

_ “It’s ugly, though. Stop looking at it.”  _

 

_ “Nothing about you is ugly.”  _

 

“Come here,” Isak whispered, bringing Daniel’s hand off his chest and around to his ass; grinding down as hard as he could. 

 

It was enough to distract the other boy and soon enough they were doing what Isak had come here to do. 

 

**

 

(00:04) How was your night? 

 

Fine. Hooked up with someone

 

Nice

Enjoy yourself?

 

Yep. How was your night?

 

Went shopping with Sonja

Picked up your meds

Dude, you would have missed a day if I hadn’t remembered

Don’t pull that shit

 

Okay  _ Dad _

 

Isak

Please?

 

Okay

Sorry

It’s been a busy week

 

I’ll bring them by tomorrow

With some extra groceries

 

I have groceries still

Stop spending money on me

I have a budget for food

 

I don’t mind

19:00 good?

 

Fine 

 

Isak brushed his teeth and climbed into bed, once again pushing thoughts of Even out of his mind - this time thoughts of shopping with Sonja. He didn’t want to imagine her face when Even picked up his friend’s heart medication. 

 

Like Isak was his grandfather or something. Because who needed heart meds at age twenty? 

 

**

 

_ “Isak, it’s okay. You’re in the hospital.” Even said, just as Isak opened his eyes and was blinded by fluorescent light.  _

 

_ Isak was almost nineteen. June was warmer than usual. It felt like the dead of summer. The sun was excruciating and he’d been dehydrated all day because he forgot about his basic needs again.  _

 

_ He had been talking with Even about something in a line at Starbucks, delaying ordering one of the calorie-laden drinks as long as possible, and then everything went dark. Now everything was too bright. Too much. Something was stabbing him in the heart and he rubbed his chest.  _

 

_ “Hurts.” He whispered, throat dry as sandpaper.  _

 

_ “Can he have some water?” Even asked someone on the other side of Isak’s bed; someone Isak didn’t recognize. He was suddenly terrified of what was wrong with him.  _

 

_ What had happened? Why was he here?  _

 

_ “Evy, I…” Isak began, reaching out for Even’s hand. His friend grasped him tightly, both of his large hands around Isak’s, and it was then he realized Even looked terrified.  _

 

_ His skin was too pale. Eyes red rimmed and glossy. He looked as if he hadn’t slept in days.  _

 

_ How long had Isak been here?  _

 

_ “Drink this slowly, Isak.” The stranger said in a quiet but stern voice, a man who was probably in his late forties and beginning to grey. Isak looked at him briefly before accepting the straw in his mouth, sucking up a small sip of water.  _

 

_ “What...happened?” Isak managed to ask, looking back at Even to explain rather than the other man who Isak presumed was the doctor.  _

 

_ “God, Isak. I never thought I’d see those eyes again. I’m so crazy, but fuck. You scared me.” Even said and he burst into tears, putting his head down on Isak’s hospital bed blanket.  _

 

_ “Don’t cry.” Isak begged, throat and body still aching and his brain completely unable to catch up or remember. But he didn’t want to see Even cry. He didn’t want him to be hurting because he was worried about Isak.  _

 

_ “Maybe you should step out for a minute? You need to leave this room, Even. Get some fresh air. Let those friends of yours in the waiting room get you something to eat. ” The man said softly, and Isak frowned.  _

 

_ Leave the room? Get some air?  _

 

_ That sounded like Isak had been here for quite some time.  _

 

_ “Tell me what’s going on.” Isak said, wishing he had the strength to sit up. But at this moment that small movement might just make him keel over.  _

 

_ “I’m not leaving until you tell us he’s okay.” Even looked up, wiping his tears and clinging to Isak’s right hand again.  _

 

_ “He’s okay.” The man sighed, turning his attention to Isak. “I’m Dr. Helver and you were admitted into the hospital yesterday evening. You passed out when you were with Even.”  _

 

_ Isak nodded, remembering the coffee. They’d gotten together to talk about something to do with Even’s mom.  _

 

_ “Jenny’s surprise party.” Isak mumbled, proud of himself for remembering.  _

 

_ Even nodded and laughed but it sounded more like a sob. Why was he so happy that Isak managed to remember that? Had he been in danger of losing his memory? Had he hit his head or something?  _

 

_ “Isak, I’m concerned about your heart. I believe it’s the reason you ended up here.” Dr. Helver continued, bringing a chair up beside Isak’s bed like Even and sitting down. “When you were admitted, your blood pressure was extremely low. Dangerously low.”  _

 

_ Isak’s stomach sank as soon as he’d heard the word ‘heart.’  _

 

_ “But I’m okay, right? Maybe it was just a...fluke.”  _

 

_ “I’m afraid not. Have you experienced any heart arrhythmias lately? Or anything to do with your heart that stands out? You hadn’t mentioned anything to your cardiologist. It says so in the last report.”  _

 

_ Isak shook his head because he thought it was the right thing to do. He didn’t mention the dizzy spells, how he’d wake up in the night feeling like his heart was going to jump out of his chest. Like he was fifteen all over again.  _

 

_ He honestly hadn’t thought to bring it up.  _

 

_ “Okay. Have you been taking your meds properly?” Dr. Helver asked, reviewing the medication name and dose to make sure their records were accurate. Isak agreed that it was right.  _

 

_ “Um. I think so.”  _

 

_ “ _ You think so?!”  _ Even all but screamed, suddenly standing up and pushing his chair away. Isak flinched.  _

 

_ “Even, you need to calm down.” Dr. Helver began, but Even completely ignored him.  _

 

_ “How can you not know if you’ve taken your heart medication?! This is vital to your existence, Issy! How can you be so careless?!”  _

 

_ “Okay, walk out of here right now. That’s not a request.” Dr. Helver said, all trace of patience gone. He stood up and walked around the bed, guiding Even out of the door - looking shell shocked enough that he simply followed orders. When the doctor came back, he closed the door behind himself.  _

 

_ “I want him here.” Isak said quietly, hating that he was crying. He hated how weak and sick he felt. He was sweating and hungry, lips chapped and skin greasy.  _

 

_ Maybe Even shouldn’t see him this way. It was bad enough he’d seen Isak collapse and lie in a hospital bed for a day. It was probably the ugliest Isak had ever looked.  _

 

_ But God.  _

 

_ Isak wanted Even’s hands back on him.  _

 

_ “Isak, we need to discuss a few things. I’m very concerned about your heart, your ability to take care of yourself. We need to figure out how to make this better.”  _

 

_ Isak wanted to laugh and say nothing was going to make it better. How was he supposed to make it better? He’d forgotten his meds because he didn’t make them a priority. _

 

_ He didn’t often make himself a priority, even when it really mattered. But also, his meds sometimes made him feel sick. Some days he woke up and didn’t take them so he wouldn’t feel sick. In his head that made sense.  _

 

_ “If you’re ever having problems with your heart or you’re concerned, you have to make an appointment with your specialist. I know it’s not ideal, but you have to take these things seriously.” Dr. Helver continued, standing up and asking Isak to lean forward, take deep breaths as he listened with his stethoscope.  _

 

_ Isak winced at the cold metal on his back, trying to focus on breathing. He felt like cobwebs had made a home in his ribs, his breath coming out cracked and wheezy. He’d also had a cold the last three days. He’d been coughing like crazy, hadn’t been able to sleep.  _

 

_ He admitted that to the doctor who looked at him closely, probably wishing bedside manner prevented him from telling Isak what an idiot he was being.  _

 

_ “Isak, I’m going to be blunt with you. If you don’t take your heart problems seriously, it could cost you your life. Your life doesn’t exist if you don’t take care of your health.”  _

 

_ ** _

_ Isak was left alone, told to try and take small bites of applesauce. He would be staying overnight again for observation, which Isak hated but he wasn’t going to argue. _

 

_ Visiting hours were technically over but Isak knew Even wouldn’t leave. He’d find a way to stay.  _

 

_ Isak ate as much as he could and then he lied back, eyes closing almost without his permission. He was completely exhausted.  _

 

_ He fell asleep rubbing his pointer finger along the scar on his chest, the raised scar tissue a pattern he’d memorized since he was about three. He didn’t notice when Even came back into the room, watching his friend with an unreadable expression.  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ At fifteen Isak was having bouts of horrendously fast heart rates - something that could happen as a result of being born with half his heart the wrong way. Even though he hadn’t had an issue with his heart since his third surgery when he was a year old, suddenly each day brought dizziness and uncertainty. Isak always felt on the verge of collapse.  _

 

_ They went to see his doctor. She’d told him it was a result of the defect he was born with and she’d put him on meds. They kept the fast, earth-ending spells away and things went back to normal for a few weeks.  _

 

_ Until he was told his weight could be making it worse. Until his doctor had pretty much said he was too fat. A child who was born with a heart defect shouldn’t be overweight.  _

 

_ “I should have monitored you more. I shouldn’t have you let you eat so much sugar.” Terje had mumbled after that appointment, shaking his head.  _

 

_ Isak hadn’t replied even though he knew what he wanted to say. It wasn’t his father’s fault he didn’t have time for Isak, to monitor his eating habits.Taking care of Marianne was his father’s second full time job.  _

 

_ Talking and thinking about his heart always made Isak anxious. His heart was the reason for everything - the reason he wasn’t on school sports teams in the first part of high school. He hadn’t been allowed to join Even - be his proper best friend. He wasn’t allowed to run or over-exert himself. He was excused from gym activities like swimming and basketball, stuck in the library reading about the sports rather than experiencing them.  _

 

_ Because of his heart.  _

 

_ Because of his stupid, weak, useless heart that wasn’t giving him any trouble but could at any second. And then it was like the world proved him wrong when he was suddenly affected by his heart again at fifteen.  _

 

_ It was like the world was saying ‘ha! Told you so.’  _

 

_ But the one thing that made having the heart defect okay was the fact that he was told to lose weight. He was told to get himself in shape. And he had done a good job since he was fifteen. By sixteen he was at a normal, healthy weight for his age. He was exercising every day but not overdoing it because that wouldn’t be good either. He did it right and he was gaining muscle like Even.  _

 

_ And that was the absolute best thing.  _

 

_ Even looked at him. He finally saw Isak as someone close to his equal, not just the fat kid on the sidelines - kabab juice spilled on his shirt.  _

 

_ Isak never wanted to go back to being that kid again - invisible to Even and to everyone. He decided he would always do anything to be thin. Lean.  _

 

_ Anything to make Even see him.  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ “Have you been eating? Proper diet is very important for your heart health.” The doctor asked the next day.  _

 

_ He was being discharged and nothing had ever felt better. Isak was all packed and changed into proper clothes. He’d showered with Even’s help because he wouldn’t let his father do it. Even had also gone home to shower and he looked better today, despite the fact that he was upset at Isak and would hardly look at him.  _

 

_ “Yes.” Isak lied, nodding.  _

 

_ Dr. Helver wasn’t convinced. Not in the slightest. Even wasn’t either, but neither of them said anything that day.  _

 

_ However, his cardiologist was called. As was a nutritionist. And when Isak left the hospital that day, he had no clue he would be in a treatment program for an eating disorder two months later.  _

 

_ ** _

 

By 19:00, Isak was dressed in some of his nicer clothes than what he’d worn to class that afternoon and was ready for Even to stop by. He was doing homework on his bed when he heard the knock, getting up. 

 

“Why are you all dressed up?” Even said as a greeting, walking right past Isak with the groceries and medication bags. 

 

“I’m not.” 

 

“Okay. You look nice, though. Thought you might have another date.” Even commented, putting away fruit and vegetables. Isak liked these kind of groceries better - food that he didn’t have to feel guilty about eating. 

 

“Just a date with my homework.” Isak joked, sitting down at the table and watching Even navigate around his kitchen. He looked like he belonged here, which in Isak’s mind he did. 

 

He belonged here with Isak. Every day. Every night. All days of the year. 

 

“You doing okay, then?” Even asked, sitting down across from Isak and stretching his arms up. “God my shoulders are stiff. Too much studying in the library today.” 

 

Isak looked away, not wanting to see the skin of Even’s belly that was exposed. It would just make him want to touch. And he couldn’t anymore. They weren’t going to kiss and fall into Isak’s bed like the last time Even had brought groceries. 

 

“Yeah. I’m fine.” 

 

“Were you going to remember your meds? You’ve been good about it lately. What’s changed about this week?” Even asked and Isak rolled his eyes. 

 

He didn’t want to be lectured. He didn’t want Even to treat him like he was incapable of doing things for himself. He’d  _ had  _ been doing better for the last nine months, and he was glad Even acknowledged that. He’d been eating every day.. He’d given up working out in most of his spare time and only frequented the school gym three times a week. He didn’t drink very often and therefore when he did he only needed a few drinks to get smashed - his body and meds unaffected. He’d been taking his meds like he was supposed to and keeping up contact with his cardiologist. 

 

And this week he’d forgotten one thing. 

 

_ One thing.  _

 

“Nothing’s changed.” Isak said.  _ Except you have a girlfriend now.  _ “Like I said. I’ve been busy with school.” 

 

“You’re always busy with school.” 

 

“This isn’t like last time, Even.” 

 

“Like when you forgot for so many days in a row that you collapsed right in front of me? Like when you could have died?” Even snapped and that wasn’t fair. 

 

“Even. Please don’t, okay?” Isak begged, wishing his best friend had never come here. Everything hurt all over again, like a fresh wound. 

 

“I can’t fucking lose you, Isak. You’re...my best friend and I fucking care about you. You know that right?” Even asked and Isak wanted to cry. He wanted to pull Even into his arms and press him against his heart - the one in his chest that was flawed but fine. The one that beat for only one person who didn’t want him, who couldn’t love him in the way he wanted. 

 

“I know. I’m  _ fine.  _ I’m not dying. Stop being dramatic.” Isak said instead, hating how cold the words were. Even didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that, especially after what Isak had put him through a year ago. 

 

It had taken Even a week to forgive him - to talk to him again when he was nineteen. And since then Even had taken on the role of protector. Parent. Isak’s personal grocery shopper and counselor and... _ boyfriend,  _ to most people who didn’t know them. They’d slept together for years but only after Isak’s hospital scare did Even truly start acting like more than a friends with benefits figure. He was a boyfriend without the title, and everyone thought so. It was the reason Even was let into the hospital room in the first place despite not being family. Everyone had assumed he was Isak’s partner. 

 

Their own friends even began to suspect they were a couple. 

 

But the truth was that Even was scared Isak would forget how to function. He wouldn’t remember to eat or take his meds. And nothing made Even truly believe Isak was an adult who could handle his own needs. 

 

Once again it felt like Even didn’t see Isak as an equal. He saw him as someone to pity, someone to take care of. 

 

Stupid, stupid heart. 

 

Maybe if he didn’t have this condition, this defect, they could have been together years ago. Isak would have had the courage to ask to be Even’s boyfriend and not his sex buddy. Maybe Even never would have felt like he had to take care of Isak like any person who was an invalid. 

 

Maybe Isak wouldn’t have pushed Even away by being such a burden. 

 

“Okay. This is me leaving and not being dramatic anymore.” Even said, standing up and heading for the door. “Goodbye, Isak.”

 

The door slamming made Isak jump. He didn’t cry because he wouldn’t let himself. But as he walked back to his bed to finish his homework, he touched the scar under his shirt and pushed down hard on it - the pain nothing compared to the silence in his lonely apartment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “A congenital heart defect (CHD), also known as a congenital heart anomaly or congenital heart disease, is a problem in the structure of the heart that is present at birth.”
> 
> I have a friend who was born with a heart defect so I am basing Isak's experience on what he's told me about his own heart condition. I imagine there are many other kinds and side effects, none of which I know anything about. I'm using the knowledge I have from people I know, including a different friend who has experienced an eating disorder.
> 
> Also, a sidenote. Isak's eating/weight affects his heart, in case that wasn't clear in this chapter. I struggled writing this because I wasn't sure if it said everything I wanted to make clear about the relationship between Isak's heart condition and his eating disorder. But his bad eating/over exercising habits began when he was told to lose weight, but also being underweight and not eating enough can be dangerous too. Combined with forgetting his meds, this is what ended up putting him in the hospital. This kind of thing happened to my friend as well, when he forgot his meds and overexercised and then he was in the hospital. I hope that helps if anyone was confused (although it's probably just me being confused by my own writing haha, but there you go) 
> 
> Comments/feedback welcome and appreciated!


	4. In the Chaos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everyone's kindness towards this story so far! :) 
> 
> This is the last chapter I'll probably be able to post for a while because I'm going away on vacation over the holidays. I will try and post if I'm able to, but in all likelihood I won't post again until the new year. I won't abandon this story though because I'm super invested in it! For those of you celebrating Christmas I hope it's a happy one :)

**Two weeks later**

 

Isak hadn’t gone this long without speaking to Even since he was nineteen. Since he’d wound up in the hospital. Even ignored all his texts and calls just as he did back then and he didn’t show up to the classes they had together. Isak watched the door the entire time, but Even never showed up. In fact, nobody had really seen Even on campus recently. He was doing a great job of being a ghost. The whole thing was driving Isak insane. 

 

At first he was insane with worry because what if something had happened? But then he remembered Sonja and that stage of a new relationship people supposedly had when they couldn’t get enough of each other. So he concluded that Even was probably just with her. It didn’t make him feel better but he stopped worrying for his friend’s safety at least and sent one text a day, asking when they could hang out again. 

 

Isak was over at Jonas, Madhi and Magnus’s apartment and they’d just ordered pizza. Usually Even would join them and Isak had asked him to come but he hadn’t replied. He’d also turned down the offer from Jonas, not mentioning why. Just that he was busy. 

 

Isak knew it was because Even was trying to avoid being in the same room as him. Then they might have to actually talk about this. 

 

The boys were bantering about something Isak wasn’t following as they all sat on the couch in the shared living room space. He couldn’t be bothered to ask about it so he pulled out his phone. 

 

(18:34) Even, for fucks sake

I’m sorry, okay?

I didn’t remember my meds were almost out

I fucked up

But I’m not going to do it again

Can you come over for pizza, please? 

I can leave if you want to spend time with the guys

Just fucking answer me

 

He closed his phone and put his head back, sighing. He wouldn’t get a response any time soon he imagined. Even was apparently setting a record for how long they could go without speaking. Maybe Isak should just give up. 

 

“Even still not answering?” Jonas suddenly asked, passing a water bottle over to Isak. He handed out cans of pop to Magnus and Mahdi and opened one for himself. 

 

There was a time when Isak hated this - that Jonas went out of his way to make sure Isak had what he needed in terms of food when they hung out. He used to want to try to eat like his friends - like a university student living off fast food and soda. But about a month after Isak was out of the hospital and everyone he knew was aware of his illness, he was actually grateful that people (especially Jonas) made exceptions for him. It was also the reason Isak wasn’t having pizza but a salad with chicken instead. Without sauce or cheese. Jonas hadn’t hesitated when he placed the order, winking at Isak as he did. 

 

“No. I think I’ve lost my place as best friend.” 

 

Magnus snorted and shook his head. “You two are inseparable. There’s never going to be end to Evak.” 

 

Isak groaned after he took a sip of water, feeling the coldness of it settle in his mostly empty stomach. “I wish you’d stop calling us that. We’re not a couple.” 

 

“You’re a couple of best friends and that’s good enough for a ship name.” Magnus said with confidence, shoving a handful of chips in his mouth. 

 

“Anyways, can we please talk about what’s happening for Halloween? There’s going to be tons of parties on campus.” Mahdi interrupted, rolling his eyes.

Isak liked Mahdi for this very reason. He never wanted to discuss people’s private business unless the person involved explicitly wanted to talk about it with him. And it was usually over coffee so Mahdi could give his full attention. Isak admired that about his friend. 

 

“We should get matching costumes since we’re all single as fuck.” Magnus sighed, pouting. 

 

Isak was about to reply that matching costumes were lame - especially group costumes - but then his phone started ringing. He reached for it and his eyes went wide when he saw Even’s name. 

 

“It’s Even.” He stated rather than answering, eyes immediately finding Jonas. 

 

“Okay? Answer it.” Jonas said, nodding like everything would be okay. Isak didn’t know why he was suddenly so nervous. This was a good thing, right? They could finally talk. 

 

He stood up and left his friends, venturing down the hallway to someone’s room so he could have some privacy. “Even? Hey.” Isak said, his voice going soft and quiet. 

 

“Um. Hi. Is this Isak?” 

 

Isak hesitated in the doorway of Magnus’s room. That definitely wasn’t Even’s voice. It was higher and feminine. The nervous knot inside his stomach twisted tighter. 

 

“Yeah. Who is this?” 

 

The girl on the other line let out a quiet sob, sniffling before she said “It’s Sonja. Even’s girlfriend. We met the other week.” 

 

Why was she crying? What the hell had happened? Tears were in Isak’s eyes before he could say anything else; his body going cold. 

 

“I need your help. Even’s been acting strangely and now he just left. He walked right out of my house without his phone. Without  _ anything.  _ I don’t know where he’s gone but I’m so worried.” She continued and Isak put a hand over his mouth to stifle the sounds he wanted to make. 

 

_ Fuck.  _

 

Why hadn’t this crossed his mind? He could have done something earlier. Last week. He could have talked to Even’s mom. 

 

“Sonja,” Isak began, trying to clear his throat and gather his thoughts. “When you say he’s been acting strangely, has Even been...sleeping all right? Going to class?” 

 

“Um. Well, no actually. He’s missed a lot of classes but he said he was working on a project. I don’t know his schedule exactly. And when he’s...slept here, I think he’s slept. He’s always up before me though. And he’s been talking too fast. He’s running around without stopping. I just..” 

 

_ Shit.  _ Isak was walking back towards the living room, trying to wipe the tears away from his eyes. When Jonas saw him because he was always the first one to look out for Isak, he was up on his feet in a second. 

 

“I can’t explain everything now, Sonja, but we need to try and find Even as soon as possible. I’m with some of his friends and we’re going to go out and look for him. Can you also go and look?” 

 

Jonas practically pushed Magnus and Mahdi towards the door and all three of them began putting their shoes on. Isak tried to as well but he was clumsy and nearly fell over, cursing under his breath. 

 

“Okay. Where should I look? Isak, you sound so scared.” 

 

Isak was scared. He was terrified because when Even did this - interrupted his schedule, didn’t sleep, moved a mile a minute - bad things tended to happen. 

 

“Don’t be scared. It’s going to be alright. Just go to places that are special to you guys. I don’t know. Wherever you had your first date? First kiss?” Isak suggested, finally managing to get his shoes on and the four of them were out the door. 

 

“Okay?” Sonja said slowly, sounding unsure. Isak didn’t have time to explain and he wanted to  hang up on her but she was a part of this now. She needed to help. 

 

“Trust me for now and I’ll explain later, okay? Text me if you find him and I’ll do the same.” 

 

Isak hung up and turned the volume up on his phone, walking quickly down the road with his friends. “We need to split up. Jonas, go to Nissen. Mahdi, go to the cemetery. Magnus, check all the restaurants around the university and call hospitals to see if…” 

 

Isak stopped walking abruptly and put his hands on his thighs, leaning over to try and get some air back in his lungs. He wasn’t going to think of Even being in the hospital, hurt or unconscious and alone. He wasn’t going to do that. He couldn’t help with anything if he was caught in his thoughts. 

 

“You guys go do what he said. Isak, hey listen to me.” Jonas said, his hand rubbing Isak’s back as the sound of Magnus and Mahdi’s footsteps began fading away. “We’re going to find him. He’s fine.” 

 

“I should have done something. I should have gone over to his place, made sure he was okay. I thought he was just mad at me.  _ Fuck.”  _ Isak said, unable to stop. He could feel himself tumbling off the ledge of anxiety and he felt frozen. 

 

“This isn’t your fault, Issy. God. It’s hard to predict an episode. You know that.” Jonas said, putting his hands on Isak’s face and pulling him up until they could properly see each other. “Take some deep breaths. Focus on me.” 

 

Isak made himself stare at the way Jonas was breathing, copying his movements and eventually he calmed down. He stood up straight, squared his shoulders and clapped Jonas on the back. 

 

“Go to Nissen, okay?” 

 

“On it. Where are you going to go?” 

 

Isak was already walking. He turned and yelled “the hospital garden!” over his shoulder before he took off running. 

 

**

 

_ Isak was in the second week of his inpatient treatment. He hated the white walls of the hospital. The sterile smells. He hated talking about himself and why he didn’t want to eat.  _

 

_ But he was doing it. He was participating and listening. He was taking it seriously. He wanted to get better.  _

 

_ Part of the day was free time and Isak always walked around the hospital garden - a space designed for patients. It wasn’t just for show. People were actually supposed to spend time there but it was usually empty when Isak went out there. The end of summer days were hot but Isak enjoyed it, bringing a water bottle with him.  _

 

_ There was a gazebo in the centre of a large grassy space, flowers planted all around. There were walkways leading through the trees beyond that, and Isak spent up to two hours wandering or reading under the shade of the gazebo. It was a nice break from the depressing scenery inside the hospital, the sadness that loomed in every corridor.  _

 

_ On the second weekend of his treatment he was sitting in the gazebo with a book in his lap when he heard someone calling his name. He looked up and saw Even coming towards him, a smile on his face brighter than the sun.  _

 

_ Isak stood up, putting his book down and ran to meet his friend. He hadn’t been allowed to contact anyone in the first week and it was only since yesterday he was allowed visitors. He’d spoken to Even about coming to see him sometime but they hadn’t set a date. Apparently Even couldn’t wait.  _

 

_ Isak jumped up, wrapping his whole body around Even’s and nearly making them tumble to the ground. But Even simply laughed and held Isak tightly, placing small kisses on Isak’s cheek.  _

 

_ “You look so good, Issy. God I missed you.” Even whispered, gradually putting Isak down and pulling back to look at him.  _

 

_ “I missed you too. I’m so happy you’re here.” Isak beamed and it was the truth. He’d missed his friends. He’d missed normalcy. Going to parties and hanging out.  _

 

_ But mostly he missed this boy in front of him. He’d missed his closeness and smell and hugs; lying in bed together.  _

 

_ They walked back to the gazebo and sat down. It was somewhat awkward at first, neither of them knowing what to do, but then Even just ended up pulling Isak onto his lap like a child and wrapping his arms around him again.  _

 

_ “You’re so embarrassing.” Isak scolded, but he wasn’t trying to move.  _

 

_ “Nobody is here to see. Can I kiss you?” Even asked, but didn’t wait for an answer. He just leaned right in, capturing Isak’s lips and making a soft, small noise.  _

 

_ Isak was surprised but he returned the kiss, his hands finding their way up to Even’s face and hair. Even didn’t really do this - kiss him in public, put him in his lap like they were together. They saved this kind of closeness for days they had sex.  _

 

_ Sometimes they indulged though. On pancake emergency days. Or when Even had episodes and needed to be held closely when the high faded. They shared kisses and hugs; comforted each other.  _

 

_ They began doing it after Even’s first episode when Isak was eighteen, the one that lead to a diagnosis. They’d stayed glued to the hip for days, Isak getting up to make them food or drag Even into the shower. Even’s mom hadn’t minded. She was glad Isak was there to take care of her son.  _

 

_ “I’m proud of you.” Even whispered. “I know this is hard.”  _

 

_ “It fucking sucks, Ev.” Isak admitted, putting his head in between his friend’s neck and shoulder. “I want to come home.”  _

 

_ “I know, baby.”  _

 

_ They both ended up crying, holding each other through it. Everything was still fresh. Isak being in the hospital. The silence between them. No physical closeness. No sex. And then Isak had been gone - admitted to this eating disorder program. It had all happened so fast.  _

 

_ “You picked the most beautiful spot in the hospital, I think.” Even joked, wiping Isak’s tears off his face. Isak was still crying, trying to stop, but it had been so long since he’d let himself feel what he was feeling.  _

 

_ And right now he felt scared but okay because he knew he had Even. He would always have Even. No matter what.  _

 

_ “This could be a spot for a film. Finding the beauty in the chaos.” Even continued, rubbing Isak’s back; holding him close to his chest. “You’re okay.”  _

 

_ Fifteen minutes later Isak was dozing off as he sat on Even’s thighs, arms held between their chests. The sounds of birds and the warm summer breeze moved around them and Isak never wanted him to go.  _

 

_ “We could be each other’s beauty in the chaos. The safety.” Isak mumbled because he felt safe enough to say it. Who cared if it was sappy.  _

 

_ “We always have been, Issy. And we always will be.”  _

 

_ ** _

 

Isak could see Even sitting in the gazebo, his eyes on something in the opposite direction Isak was facing. Relief washed through him and he pulled his phone out, messaging the guys that Even was all right. 

 

The flowers of the summer were nothing but empty stems and the grass was faded to brown. The garden wasn’t anywhere near as beautiful as the day Even had come to see Isak - and all the days after that - but Even was still as beautiful. 

 

He was still the most breathtaking thing Isak had ever seen. 

 

Isak was walking towards Even, his hands itching to hold his friend - take him home and make it better - when he saw someone else running to Even. Isak stopped mid-step, hidden in the darkness of the evening, and recognized Sonja’s blonde hair. She ran up the gazebo stairs and pushed herself into Even’s arms, crying loudly in the stillness of the air. 

 

How had she known to come here? 

 

“You scared me! What are you doing? Even.” Sonja was practically shouting. Her hands were on Even’s face just like Isak had wanted to do, but instead of soft caresses and gentleness, she shook him aggressively. 

 

Isak was walking again as he watched, the urge to push her away increasingly strong. He was up the stairs and beside them before he had a chance to blink. Even was looking at his girlfriend but not really seeing her, his eyes glazed over. He looked incredibly tired. 

 

“Are you listening to me? Even! You’re acting crazy.” Sonja continued, startling when she saw Isak. “Thank God, you’re here. What’s wrong with him?” 

 

“Nothing.” Isak said coldly, looking at Even as he said the words. “Nothing is wrong with him.” 

 

Sonja backed off a little bit, shaking her head. She looked flustered and scared which wasn’t what Even needed right now. Isak knew what he needed but he also didn’t think it would be appropriate. He wasn’t Isak’s to touch anymore. 

 

“Isak.” Even said, suddenly breaking the silence. He was focused now, coming towards Isak and wrapping him in a hug. “Beauty in the chaos!” 

 

Isak looked at Sonja over Even’s shoulder, saw the hurt in her eyes that her boyfriend didn’t acknowledge her but was now hugging Isak. And as much as Isak wanted to hold Even, take him home and talk, it wasn’t his place right now. There was someone else who was meant to do that; who ranked higher than Isak now. 

 

“Even, look who’s here.” Isak whispered, taking Even’s hands away from him; ending their hug. He turned Even around so he was facing Sonja. “She was really worried about you.” 

 

Even hesitated a second but then he reached for Sonja. She was smaller than Isak, easier to hold, and she fit perfectly against his chest. She was crying, needing comfort from her boyfriend when he wasn’t able to right now, but Isak could see Even trying his best. 

 

“We should...go home. Yeah?” Even suggested, turning around to look at Isak with an unreadable expression. There was so much to say and not enough time. The gaze was loaded with apologies and questions on both their parts but they couldn’t answer them now. 

 

“Yeah. You don’t even have a coat on.” Sonja scolded, bringing their hands together as they began walking out of the garden. 

 

Isak trailed behind them, his hands in tight fists. 

 

**

 

“He brought me there last week. He said he wanted to show me a beautiful place. It’s ugly as hell though isn’t it, Isak? I mean, it’s a hospital garden.” Sonja scoffed, sitting on the couch between Magnus and Mahdi. She was holding a mug of tea, her mascara a mess on her cheeks from crying. 

 

Even was asleep in Jonas’s room and Isak was sitting on the loveseat, trying his best not to scream. Jonas was trying to be polite, trying to let Sonja stay as long as she needed after they’d explained Even’s illness, but Isak could tell Jonas wanted her to go as well. 

 

“How did you know to go there?” Sonja asked, sipping her tea. “You said to go to places he thought were special. I was at the hospital checking if he’d been admitted and then I remembered how he took me to the garden. It was kind of dumb luck.” 

 

Isak wanted to get up and walk to Jonas’s room, sink into bed with Even and see if he was all right. He probably needed some water. 

 

“Um. We went there a few times together. That’s all.” Isak said unconvincingly. All his friends exchanged glances but Sonja didn’t notice, placing her cup on the table in front of her. 

 

“I should take him home, right? His mom will be worried.” 

 

_ No. He’s staying here.  _

 

“We can watch out for him tonight. Isak will text his mom and let her know that he’s here with us.” Jonas said and Isak wanted to hug him. 

 

“Right. You and Even have known each other since you were kids. It makes sense you’d speak to his mom. He talks about you all the time.” Sonja smiled kindly, standing up and coming over to him. 

 

Isak wanted to hate her. He really, really did. But she was so nice. She hadn’t reacted well to Even having an episode but she knew nothing about his illness. She was worried. She was crying because she cared about Even, and Isak couldn’t hate someone who cared about his best friend. 

 

“Thank you for helping me with this.” Sonja said, bringing Isak into a hug before he could protest. “I don’t know what I would have done without you.” 

 

Isak hugged her back, not wanting to seem like a dick. She smelled like roses and shampoo - distinctly like a girl. Even always tended to like feminine girls, fit and smaller built. Sonja was the embodiment of Even’s type. 

 

“It’s chill.” Isak managed to say, flashing a smile her way despite how his heart was breaking. Who knew his shitty heart could be even more broken? “I’ll text you how he’s doing.” 

 

“Okay. I’ll let myself out.” she said, walking towards the door and putting her shoes on. Isak waited until he heard the door close before he stood up and immediately headed for the kitchen to get some water. 

 

“Well she’s nice.” Magnus commented and Isak rolled his eyes. 

 

“Yeah definitely. She took the news fairly well.” Mahdi agreed. 

 

“Isak? You okay?” Jonas asked, joining him in the kitchen and standing next to him as he poured some water from the tap. 

 

“What do you think?” Isak whispered. 

 

Jonas knew from day one that Even having a girlfriend kind of destroyed Isak. But they hadn’t talked about it since. Isak was trying to live as if their relationship didn’t bother him, but now he couldn’t avoid it anymore. 

 

Sonja was a huge part of Even’s life now. 

 

“What can I do, Is?” 

 

Isak chuckled humorlessly. “Do you have a time machine? Can we go back and make Even never meet her? Can we go back so I can admit to him that I love him? No, you can’t.” 

 

Isak brushed past him with the water and went to the bedroom, closing it softly so he wouldn’t startle Even. He sat down on the edge of the bed, Even facing away from him. The moonlight was streaming in through the window, allowing Isak to be able to see his friend a little bit. 

 

“Lie down with me?” 

 

The question made Isak jump, spilling some of the water onto himself. He turned to see that Even had rolled over and was now looking at him. 

 

“Have a sip of water first, Ev, okay?” Isak said, waiting for Even to sit up before bringing the glass to his lips. 

 

Afterwards, he placed the glass on the nightstand and laid down beside his friend, watching as Even made his way forward so he could place his head on Isak’s chest. He slung his arm across Isak’s middle and cuddled in closer. 

 

“I’m sorry, Isak. I…” 

 

“Hush. Just sleep, Even. I’m right here.” Isak said, rubbing Even’s back; wishing they weren’t so clothed. He wanted to feel Even’s soft skin against his own. 

 

Even didn’t say anything else. He fell asleep soon after, the weight of his body increasing against Isak but Isak didn’t make any moves to get up. He fell asleep as well soon after, listening to the soft snores of his friend. 

 

_ I’ll always be here for you.  _

 

_ I’ll always be your safety in the chaos, even if you don’t love me back.  _

 


	5. Far From Joy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Hope everyone had a nice holiday :) Thanks for being patient for this next chapter. I traveled to a lot of different countries in a small amount of time so my brain was scrambled from all the time zones lol I just managed to finish this chapter. Hope you enjoy.

_ 17 and 19  _

 

_ “We probably shouldn't kiss or whatever outside of the bedroom, right? That might be weird for our friends.”  _

 

_ They were lying together after the second time, Isak still a mess of emotions and euphoria, and this was the last thing he wanted to talk about. Because it meant Even was thinking about what they shouldn't do. And Isak didn't want there to be any limits. He wanted everything.  _

 

_ “If you want.”  _

 

_ Isak’s voice only broke a little.  _

 

_ “I'm thinking of us both, Is. Like, what do you want?” Even asked, sitting up so they could look at each other properly. “What limits should be put on this?”  _

 

_ Isak mirrored Even's position, sighing. He avoided his friend's eyes for as long as possible before he finally looked up. As always we he was struck by how gorgeous Even was; how desperately he wanted to always be able to look into those eyes. If this is what it took to be close to Even, to know him intimately, he would agree to whatever rules and limits Even wanted. Isak was so in love he could hardly take it but he didn't want to scare Even off. He wanted to keep doing this.  _

 

_ “It's probably good if we don't kiss. Some of our friends might not understand the arrangement.” Isak said solemnly. Even nodded.  _

 

_ “Do you like this arrangement?”  _

 

_ “What do you mean?” Isak frowned, unsure if he understood the question properly.  _

 

_ “Friends with benefits.” Even stated, reaching out and brushing some hair off of Isak's forehead. “Have you liked everything so far?”  _

 

_ Isak nodded breathlessly, unable to think straight when Even had his hands on him. Of course he'd liked it. Even had  _ touched  _ him. Actually, purposely put his hands and mouth all over Isak's body; his skinny, freckled body that wasn't what Even deserved but it was all he had and Even seemed to want him. He had seemed to enjoy what Isak had to offer.  _

 

_ “Yeah, Ev. I liked it.” Isak whispered, moving a little closer. He placed a single kiss on Even's shoulder before laying back down, Even thankfully pulling him back down and positioning him on his chest.  _

 

_ “We haven't gone too fast?”  _

 

_ “No. I promise. I told you I would let you know if we did.”  _

 

_ Isak knew Even had slept with people before. Mostly girls. He'd lost his virginity when he was sixteen, gushing to Isak about it the next day. Isak had hated the girl right away. He could barely make it through Even's detailed play by play without throwing something at the wall. But it hurt more when Even told him about the first time he slept with a guy.  _

 

_ Even was seventeen, barely, and had gotten drunk at a party. He'd met a guy there who became his boyfriend for all of a month before he cheated on Even. His name was Luke and he was in university, third year, and because he was older he never took Even seriously. The first time Isak met him he knew right away Luke was a douchebag. He ignored Even for most of the party. He laughed at Even's expense. He barely said anything to anyone else. And when it was over, when Luke had dumped Even and told him he had never really been interested, Even had been heartbroken.  _

 

_ Even deserved more than that. He had come to Isak with tears in his eyes the next day, wondering why the guy didn't care; wondering if there was something wrong with him. He'd convinced himself that boys weren't for him, that every boy he might like would treat him like shit. Isak had nearly pulled his hair out, holding back everything he desperately wanted to scream.  _ I would be good to you! I love you more than anything! I would never hurt you this way! 

 

_ Isak tried not to think of how much more experienced Even was. He tried not to be jealous. He tried not to be insecure, but it was hard. The first time, before Even had touched him, he had pulled back and begged Isak to stop him if he was overwhelmed. He didn't want Isak's first times to be too much. He didn't want to go too fast. Isak was grateful on some level but it was mostly embarrassing, knowing how inexperienced Even knew he was.  _

 

_ “Is, can I say something cheesy?” Even suddenly asked, stroking his hand down Isak's back.  _

 

_ “Yeah.” Isak whispered.  _

 

_ “You're really fucking beautiful.”  _

 

_ Isak wanted to cry. He hugged Even closer, enjoying the warmth of his skin, and placed a kiss on his friend's stomach.  _

 

_ “You're more beautiful.”  _

 

_ ** _

**Late November**

 

Isak wished he'd said something. Right at the beginning of their arrangement. Back when Even had asked what Isak wanted. He should have said,  _ I want you. I want you to be my boyfriend.  _

 

Isak wanted to kick himself because he'd had so many chances over the years. With every year his feelings only grew. He didn't know he could love someone more as time went by, but Isak knew he was more in love with Even now than he had been at seventeen. And it wasn't because he suddenly couldn't have him. He'd been so in love for so long it was just second nature; as normal as breathing. 

 

But now it was too late. Even had moved on. And Isak was in a constant state of ache and numbness, seeing and being around the person he loved but no longer able to experience the closeness of him. It was the worst kind of torture. 

 

He felt his chest ache as he sat across from Even and Sonja, watching as Even stroked the exposed skin of her shoulder; joyfully talking to their other friends as he did. Sonja’s cheeks were flushed and her lipstick was smeared from kissing, and everything about her was gorgeous. Isak's hands were together in his lap and he felt sick. He felt overwhelmed. 

 

He wanted to go home. 

 

“Isak, are you ready for exams?” Sonja asked suddenly, reaching across the table and patting his knee. Isak looked up at her and smiled. 

 

“I think so. How about you?” 

 

“Let's hope. Even has been helping me.” she said, leaning back into her boyfriend and resting her hand on his thigh. Even looked over at her and placed a kiss on her cheek before looking over at Isak. 

 

“What are you two discussing?” He asked, winking at Isak and then giggling. He was slightly tipsy and adorable. 

 

Isak licked his lips, wishing his throat wasn't so dry. He mumbled something about exams and Even nodded in understanding. 

 

“Isak's always gotten good grades. He's going to do fine, aren't you? My brilliant best friend.” Even gushed, smiling brightly. 

 

Isak shrugged off the affection. It felt so out of place now. Before Sonja, they always complimented each other. Isak loved it. But now, when Even said things like this, it felt out of place. Isak squirmed in his seat. 

 

“Oh, come on Isak. You know you're smart.” Even continued, standing up and sitting next to Isak. He put his arm around Isak's shoulders and pulled him into his solid, warm side. 

 

_ If I was smart I would have told you how I felt years ago.  _

 

Isak wanted to stay here forever but also stand up and walk home. 

 

“Even, you're over exaggerating. There's a lot of people in my classes who are way smarter.” Isak said, trying to shift away but Even just held him closer. 

 

“Nah. They got nothing on you.” Even said, mostly for just Isak to hear. Sonja had turned away and was speaking to Eva about something. The boys were chatting to themselves. Isak finally had Even's full attention again, his eyes only on Isak, and it made him want to cry. 

 

“I…” 

 

“I'm sorry.” Even whispered, pulling his arm away. “You said we can't do this anymore.” 

 

“No.” Isak shook his head. “I said we can't hold hands and…” 

 

“Come with me.” Even said, pulling Isak up to his feet and grabbing his hand. He led them out to the small apartment balcony and closed it behind them. 

 

Isak was shivering right away because it was freezing out; a heavy snowfall having fallen the night before. Isak was only in a thin long sleeve shirt and jeans. 

 

“It's fucking cold.” Isak stated. “Why are we out here?” 

 

“Are you in love with me?” 

 

Isak nearly choked on his own spit. He coughed into his hand, his mind spinning. “Um.  _ What?” _

 

_ Are you suddenly a mind reader too?  _

 

“You heard me.” Even said calmly, leaning against the glass doors and staring intensely at Isak. 

 

“What the hell Even? Where is this coming from?” Isak asked, shaking now for an entirely different reason. 

 

“I don't know. I just…” 

 

“Just what?? We...we had an arrangement for a long time. Now you have a girlfriend. Have I missed something here?” Isak rambled, because he was nervous. He felt like Even was attacking every part of him, placing Isak's nerves between his fingers and snapping them one by one. 

 

“I know, Issy. It just felt like...for a long time...you might have…” Even looked away now, shaking his head. “You might have felt more.” 

 

“Why? Why did it seem like that to you?” Isak asked, hating that tears were rushing into his eyes. He could thankfully blame it on the cold. “And why are you bringing it up  _ now  _ that you have a girlfriend?” 

 

“You won't stop looking at me and looking sad! That's why!” Even shouted, pushing away from the glass and putting himself in Isak's space. 

 

“I'm not looking at you like anything!” Isak retorted, slipping away from Even and standing against the window this time. It's like they had done a dance and were suddenly in each others old places. “I think you're reading into something too much. I'm not... sad or anything. We've been over this right? I'm happy you have Sonja.”

 

Even was staring at him so intensely that Isak didn't know what to do. He didn't understand what was happening. Why was Even asking this? Why  _ now _ ? Had Isak been that obvious about how much he was hurting? 

 

“It doesn't seem like you want me to be with her, Isak. Things feel weird between us now and I...I thought it might be because you had feelings for me.” 

 

Isak hated that he had to lie about his feelings but of course he was lying. If he told the truth what would that do? It would make everything crumble. Even didn't love him back. Even wanted Sonja. If Isak confessed his feelings now, Even wouldn't want anything to do with him. He'd destroy their friendship. The time for Isak to admit the truth was past. If he did it now, it wouldn't be fair to Even at all. 

 

And Isak still wanted friendship at the very least. He couldn't lose Even entirely. He couldn't put his friend through it. 

 

“Even, I'm not in love with you. I promise, okay? I've been stressed with school. You've been with Sonja a lot because it's all new. You're having fun with her right?” Isak asked, trying to smile and lighten the mood. 

 

Even nodded slightly but said nothing. 

 

“So we haven't seen each other as much. I guess we saw a lot of each other before because we...you know.” Isak motioned between them, trying to express this in a way that wouldn't give any more of his feelings away. 

 

“We had sex a lot. Yeah. I know.” Even stated.

 

Isak blushed furiously. 

 

“Right. So maybe we just need to figure out how to...hang out without having sex? Since that's kind of what took up a lot of the time when we were together.” Isak suggested. 

 

“That's not  _ all  _ we did. We were still best friends. We saw movies. Got coffee. Went shopping. Had brunch.” 

 

“And now you do that all with Sonja.” Isak said, not meaning to sound so bitter about it but it was true. 

 

“I…” Even began, looking like he was about to deny it but then he shut his mouth abruptly. 

 

“Sorry. That sounded worse than I meant.” Isak whispered sheepishly. 

 

“No. You're right. I've been...with her a lot. Fuck. It's my fault.” Even stated, running a hand through his hair. “Here I am making wild assumptions about your apparent love for me but really I'm a horrible best friend.” 

 

“You're not.” 

 

“I am. I'm fucking sorry, Isak.” And then Even wrapped Isak in his arms and squeezed him tight. 

 

Isak froze for a second, too busy taking in the smell and feel of the man he loved so fucking much. He was dumbstruck. But then he remembered this was a friends-without-benefits hug and he reached up to return it simply. 

 

“Ever since my episode she...keeps tabs on me. She's been good about helping me and whatnot but she's kind of smothering me.” Even explained, his breath hot in Isak's ear; sending a wave of heat through Isak's guts. 

 

_ Not the time to get hard, Isak.  _

 

“I really scared her that day and she's not quite sure how to act around me now. I keep telling her I'm fine and that my episodes aren't as frequent and I'll always come out of them but…huh, she's not  _ you.  _ She doesn't really get it yet.” 

 

The words destroyed Isak, annihilated his facade of trying to pretend he was okay with this. He unintentionally began to cry, clinging to Even tighter and letting himself sob because  _ goddamnit  _ it wasn't fair. 

 

_ She's not you.  _

 

“Isak? What's wrong? What did I say?” Even gasped, running his hands through Isak's hair and trying to wipe the tears off Isak's face. 

 

“Nothing...I...I'm fine.” Isak cried, hiding his face in Even's shoulder because he hated himself right now. 

 

_ This will definitely convince him you're not hopelessly in love with him. Good job, dumbass.  _

 

“Isak, talk to me. We used to talk all the time.” Even said softly - gently lifting Isak’s messy face up so he could see him properly again.

 

And before Isak could react or pull away Even leaned down and placed a kiss on Isak’s mouth. 

 

Outwardly, it was just a quick kiss. If anyone saw, it probably looked soft and innocent, like you would kiss someone on the cheek in greeting. But when Even pulled away and Isak stared at him, still snuffling from crying, they could both tell that it wasn’t meant to be a meaningless peck. None of their kisses had ever been casual. They were always full of  _ something  _ \- desire, longing, heat, sensuality. And when Isak was upset, they were full of hope. Apology. Understanding. 

 

_ Love.  _

 

“I...I’m sorry. What the  _ fuck  _ am I doing?” Even said, but he didn’t sound regretful and he didn’t let Isak go. They were still standing together, Even’s arms around Isak, and all Isak could taste was the man in front of him. 

 

“Do it again.” Isak said in a barely audible voice and he realized that he suddenly didn’t give a fuck. 

 

He didn’t care that if anyone followed them they would be able to see exactly how desperate Isak was; how he was clinging to his friend. He didn’t care about trying to hide his feelings. He didn’t care that there was a girl inside who was probably falling in love with Even - probably saw everything Isak could see in Even as well. 

 

All he cared about was that Even had  _ kissed  _ him. And that fucking meant something, right? 

 

“ _ Fuck.”  _ Even whispered, suddenly backing Isak up against the brick wall until his shoulders collided with it, effectively shielding them from the glass doors and anyone who might walk by. 

 

Even put both his hands on either side of Isak’s face and brought their mouths together hungrily. He practically devoured Isak’s lips, shoving his tongue deep inside a second later and groaning. Isak gave back just as much once he got some air back in his lungs, hands finding their way to Even’s ass and pulling him hard against himself. Everything was happening  _ now, now, now.  _

 

Isak’s head was spinning. It all felt so good. He’d fucking missed this. He couldn’t believe he got to have this again. But as Even continued, his hands wandering and his dick hard against his hip, Isak couldn’t help but feel uneasy. 

 

Even didn’t react this way when Isak was upset. He never had. When he saw Isak was upset, he gave him gentle kisses. Slow and soft. No expectations. Nothing that led to sex, unless Isak initiated it later on. 

 

This whole entire thing felt really fucking wrong all of a sudden and Isak shoved Even away. He needed some space to breathe. To think. He was crap at thinking when Even was involved and especially when Even was touching him. 

 

“Isak, what…” 

 

“Shut  _ up.”  _ Isak panted, closing his eyes and putting his hands on his thighs; leaning down. His lungs felt tight and it hurt - it suddenly hurt  _ everywhere.  _

 

“Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you? Isak, I…” 

 

“Shut up, Even!” 

 

Isak’s voice echoed in the freezing night air. He hadn’t meant to scream that loudly but he was so tired of listening to Even speak. He was so angry. He hated how confused he was right now. He hated that Even was fucking with his head. 

 

He hated that for the first time ever, Even’s kisses meant absolutely nothing. What just happened had been lust and grief and longing and sadness all mixed together, like all the colours in a paint palette coming together to make the ugliest colour imaginable. You couldn’t tell there used to be vibrant yellows and pleasing reds. All you saw was the mess. 

 

“You...you can’t do that. You have a girlfriend.” Isak finally said, standing back up properly and shivered. His teeth were banging together and he wrapped his arms around himself to try and get warm.

 

“You asked me to.” 

 

“Yeah, well, you shouldn’t have. You don’t get to do this.” Isak spat, finding Even’s eyes again. His friend looked wrecked. He looked as confused and hurt and tired as Isak felt. 

 

Why was this so exhausting? 

 

When had their friendship - the easiest thing in the world - become the hardest and most fucked up thing ever? Why did they no longer fit? 

 

“Have we ruined it?” Isak asked, knowing he didn’t make sense but he was trying to sort through all the thoughts in his head. “Can we not be friends anymore?” 

 

“Isak,  _ what?  _ You’re my best friend. You always fucking have been.” 

 

“That was...before.” 

 

“Before what?” 

 

“We started fucking, Even! It’s totally messed us up. We don’t know how to act around each other without being as close as...I don’t know. As close as people who are dating.” Isak was blushing, his face on fire but his body freezing and the contrast made him dizzy. 

 

“Isak,  _ no.  _ That’s not what’s happening here.” Even said and he almost took a step towards Isak but then stopped himself, deciding instead to stay exactly where he was. 

 

“No? Then why did you just kiss me? Why have we been avoiding each other all these weeks? Why did you bring me out here to ask if I was in love with you? What the fuck are we doing?” 

 

“I don’t know!” 

 

“Exactly! We don’t know how to be  _ just  _ friends.” Isak concluded, tears rushing into his eyes again. “And that’s the worst part, Even. Because I never thought I would be facing the idea of losing you as my friend.” 

 

“God, Isak, you’re not losing me. I’m not going anywhere.” 

 

Isak knew he wasn’t being entirely honest. He knew he was in love with Even and that added a whole other layer. But he was slowly realizing that there was more to this now. He understood a little bit more about why everything felt like a mess when Even had kissed him. 

 

Certain things between them were second nature now. Even kissed Isak when he was upset. Isak comforted Even with kisses and closeness when he was upset as well. Even wanted Isak’s body too the way Isak wanted Even’s. They were  _ used  _ to the intimacy, the sex, the kissing. It’s what their friendship had become. But Even couldn’t do that anymore because there was Sonja. Even was fighting the urges within himself when it came to Isak, unable to think of what else to do when Isak needed him. 

 

And it felt like Even was being a giant tease, giving Isak a taste of what he wanted as if he knew Isak was in love with him. It felt cruel, but it wasn’t actually Even’s fault. He was only doing what they had done for years. And what happened just now, the desperation of the kiss and the sudden change from comfort to arousal, was both of them being confused; being lost. 

 

Not having a fucking clue how to be friends anymore. Normal friends. Like the kind of friendship Isak had with Jonas. He had no idea how to do that with Even. 

 

Isak’s realization did nothing to help the situation though. It just made it more painful because it was slowly feeling like Isak couldn’t have Even at all anymore. The idea of friendship seemed impossible because their friendship wasn’t normal. And the instinct to hold and kiss, touch and be close didn’t appear to be something either of them could turn off. 

 

“We could hang out. Establish new boundaries. Try and do things differently.” Even suggested, as if he had come to the same conclusion as Isak. His voice broke as he explained it, and Isak resisted the urge to hug him; kiss his skin until it made the pain go away. 

 

But he  _ couldn’t.  _

 

Isak didn’t answer. He just broke into tears again and hid his face in his hands. He was cold and tired and  _ hungry.  _ And all he wanted in the entire world was Even. Not the heat of the living room. Not a comfortable bed and not food. He just wanted Even. 

 

“I didn’t mean for this to happen, Isak. I didn’t think having a girlfriend would…” Even whispered, cutting himself off. 

 

“I know. It’s not your fault.” 

 

“It  _ is.  _ I’ve ruined everything.”

 

“No. It’s not your fault you...fell in love.” Isak said, feeling sick to his stomach at the thought of Even loving someone else. 

 

“I don’t love her.” Even said, and Isak snapped his head up; hope stupidly blooming in his chest. 

 

“You don’t?” 

 

Even shrugged. “Not yet, anyway. It’s only been a month, you know. We haven’t even…” He looked sheepish all of a sudden as his words faded, the sentence unfinished. 

 

Isak frowned, waiting for Even to explain. “Haven’t what?” 

 

“Had sex.” 

 

Isak’s brain felt like a pile of mush inside his skull. What the actual fuck? He couldn’t help but throw his head back and laugh. 

 

Was  _ that  _ the reason Even was still all over him, then? Because he was horny due to  _ not  _ fucking his beautiful girlfriend? Had Isak just made up an elaborate explanation of  _ why  _ Even was acting this way, when in reality it was Isak just being dramatic; was it Isak just being weak and unable to let Even go because of being in love? 

 

“What’s funny?” Even asked, no humor in his voice at all. 

 

“You need to fuck her, Ev. Then this can stop being awkward, right?” Isak laughed breathlessly, knowing that if he didn’t laugh he might just cry so hard he would choke on his own tongue. 

 

“What, it’s that easy?” 

 

“Yep!” Isak snorted, feeling drunk. “You’re horny. You need to fuck someone, and you’re used to only fucking me really. No wonder things are weird!” 

 

Even didn’t look like he understood a thing Isak was saying. He was standing there, gorgeous as ever, frowning and looking lost. Isak made his way over to Even and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. 

 

This was the easy way out. This would solve everything. He would make it easy for Even again. He could fucking do this. And maybe - just maybe - he’d someday be okay with just being friends with Even. 

 

“Have sex with her already. Then the sexual tension is  _ gone.  _ Then we can figure out how to be bros again. That makes sense, right?” 

 

“Isak, that’s not…” 

 

“It’s  _ that  _ simple, Evy. Oh, God. We’re so dramatic. We’ve been out here for like forty five minutes, freezing our asses off, because you didn’t tell me this. Fucking hell!” 

 

Even didn’t look convinced, but he wrapped his arm around Isak’s waist anyway. Now if anyone saw them, they were just two guys with their arms around each other - close but not close enough for it to be weird. 

 

And nobody could see Isak’s heart breaking even more than it already was. So everything was okay. 

 

**

 

**1 week later**

 

Even came over for the first time in a long time, after their exams were over and Isak had made dinner. He felt confident that he’d done well in his courses and he was beginning to get excited for Christmas. He was also excited to spend time with his best friend alone. No friends or girlfriends. No schoolwork taking up all their time. Just each other. 

 

“Goddamn, this is  _ amazing.”  _ Even groaned, shoving some more spaghetti into his mouth. They were sitting at the kitchen table and Isak laughed, sipping his juice. 

 

“Thanks. I didn’t do anything differently, though.”

 

“I haven’t had your spaghetti in forever. I forgot how awesome it is.” Even smiled. 

 

Isak’s mind had calmed down after exams. The party a week ago had faded from his mind. Everything didn’t feel quite as hopeless as it had that day and having Even over right now was helping as well. It was really fucking nice to just be with his friend, the boy he’d grown up with; the person who knew how to make Isak laugh the hardest. 

 

The fog of unrequited love was beginning to clear, and it made Isak hopeful that it would someday be completely gone. 

 

“Sonja and I had sex.” Even said as they stood near the sink, Isak washing the dishes and Even drying. 

 

Isak tried to seem indifferent. “Yeah? That’s good.” 

 

“You think?” 

 

“Um, yeah. Isn’t that what we talked about?” 

 

Even shrugged as he put the plate away in the cupboard. “I guess so.” 

 

Isak didn’t like how sad Even sounded. He didn’t like the uneasiness that was creeping back between them so he lifted his hand out of the soapy water and flicked some at Even’s face. 

 

Even laughed and poked Isak in the side. “You suck.” 

 

“Excuse me? I’m awesome.” Isak quipped, handing Even a cup. 

 

“Well, you’re not an awesome dishwasher. You missed a spot here.” Even stated, putting the cup back in the sink and then pulled his hand out only to flick water in Isak’s face too. 

 

“Hey!” 

 

“You asked for it!” 

 

And just like that, things were okay again. 

 

**

 

**Middle of December**

 

“Isak, can you stop looking at your phone?” Even said, more annoyance in his voice than teasing and it made Isak look up.

 

They were sitting in a booth at KB, coffees hot in front of them. Even had asked to meet Isak because of an ‘emergency’ and so of course Isak had come. He wanted to know what was happening in his friend’s life, why he looked overtired and stressed, but his phone was buzzing non-stop. He had picked it up to turn it off. 

 

“I was just switching it off. Sorry.” Isak said sheepishly, tucking it into his front pocket. 

 

“Were you getting lots of messages?” 

 

“Um. Yeah. But it’s not a big deal.” Isak shrugged. 

 

“You never get that many messages unless you’re talking with someone you’re about to hook up with.” Even said, sipping his coffee and looking away from Isak. He tapped his fingers on the table a second later, fidgeting. 

 

Isak reached across the table and put his own hands on top of Even’s, stopping his movements. “Ev, what’s wrong?” 

 

Even stared at him for a long second, licking his lips and then biting his bottom lip. Isak was really worried now. Was Even manic? Was he tipping off the edge again? Had something awful happened? 

 

“Sonja might be pregnant.” 

 

And oh  _ fuck.  _ That’s the last thing Isak expected to hear. 

 

“Wow.” Isak swallowed thickly, tightening his hold on Even’s fingers. He didn’t know if it was to comfort or to hold himself steady. 

 

“Yeah.  _ Fuck.  _ Isak, I fucked up.” 

 

“It’ll be okay. She doesn’t know for sure?” 

 

“Not yet. She’s going to the doctor tomorrow.” Even sighed, lacing his fingers through Isak’s. 

 

“Jesus. Even...I know you’re stressed but...whatever happens, I’m here for you. Okay?” 

 

“Who are you messaging?” Even asked, the question completely throwing Isak. Weren’t they talking about something  _ else  _ right now? Something more important?

 

“Why? I’m focused on  _ you  _ right now.” 

 

“Just tell me.” Even said, his grip tightening on Isak’s hand and he couldn’t help but wince. 

 

“You’re fucking hurting me.” Isak pulled his hand away, nearly knocking his coffee to the floor. 

 

Even looked at his own hands and then back to Isak. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” 

 

“You’re stressed. I get it. That’s why I’m saving my news for a different conversation.” Isak whispered, leaning back in his seat. 

 

“News? Well, shit. Now you have to tell me.” 

 

“No. It’s not important right now.” 

 

“I could use a distraction. Please?” 

 

Isak hesitated. He didn’t know why he didn’t want to tell Even his news. Maybe he wanted to keep it to himself because it didn’t seem like something to share with Even. But Even wasn’t his ex. Not technically. This was something that friends told other friends; something to be happy about. 

 

Like Isak had been happy for Even when he’d met Sonja. 

 

“I...met someone.” Isak began, licking his lips; his throat suddenly dry. 

 

“I guess I was right about the hook up thing then.” Even smirked. “You meeting up with him tonight?” 

 

Isak nodded. “Yeah. But not just tonight. And I’ve already met him before.” 

 

Even frowned, still confused. Isak sucked in a breath, telling himself that he might as well be super clear. What would the truth honestly do, anyway? It’s not like Even was Isak; stupidly in love enough that this news would shatter his heart. 

 

Isak had no reason not to tell his best friend this. 

 

“He’s my boyfriend. I have a boyfriend.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know A LOT happened in that chapter and it might have seemed like a very confusing/complicated conversation between Isak and Even on the balcony, but it's supposed to be. Isak is a mess of emotions and so is Even (it's going to be his POV next chapter so you'll get to understand a bit more about what's going on in his head :P) and they're trying to figure out how to be around each other. It's definitely not easy for them so I was trying to explore how they might go about putting words to the situation. Hope all was clear! 
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	6. Like Lovers Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Even POV*

_ 17 and 19 _

 

_ Even didn’t know why he wanted to kiss Isak, but it was suddenly all he could think about. Whenever they hung out together Even found himself staring at the curve of Isak’s lips, his broad chest and shoulders. He just wanted to touch.  _

 

_ But he didn’t let himself because Isak was his friend. His best friend. They’d grown up together. In a lot of ways, Isak was like a brother and best friend all rolled into one. Even shouldn’t be thinking about Isak in that way, especially because he was so much younger.  _

 

_ And what made him think Isak would want him back, anyways? He knew Isak liked boys, they’d talked about that, but it didn’t mean Isak liked him specifically.  _

 

_ “Even, what are you staring at?” Isak asked, waving a hand in front of Even’s face and chuckling. Apparently Even had gotten stuck as they were playing video games, unable to stare at the screen but instead only at Isak.  _

 

_ “Nothing. Just your dumb face.” He retorted, nudging their feet together. They were sitting on Even’s mom’s couch in the basement, a spot that had been theirs since they were barely old enough to talk.  _

 

_ “You’re so weird.” Isak rolled his eyes but he moved slightly closer, a line of solid warmth on Even’s side. “Also, I’m kicking your ass so bad.”  _

 

_ “You are not.”  _

 

_ “Oh, I am. I’m the master of this shit.”  _

 

_ Even smiled fondly, wishing Isak didn’t have to go back home. This was their home. A safe place. Whenever Isak left to go back to his house Even always worried, stayed up wondering if Isak was all right; if Marianne was being looked after properly by Terje and not by Isak.  _

 

_ He had grown up hugging his second pillow as he fell asleep, imagining it was Isak. And he knew tonight would be no different.  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ It was like Isak knew.  _

 

_ He fucking knew how much Even thought about him, and he was making it his mission to make Even hard every time they were together. He stood too close whenever they made dinner. He hugged Even a lot more than normal. They were physically close anyways, but now it seemed like Isak couldn’t let him be for longer than half an hour before he was placing himself on top of Even; wrapping his arms around and overwhelming Even with his scent. _

 

_ Even was fucking drowning, hands constantly itching to touch more skin, go underneath clothes.  _

 

_ But he was also so scared of how ferocious his feelings had become. Up until a few months ago - the last few months before Isak turned seventeen - he hadn’t imagined himself being with Isak. He hadn’t craved him like this, and he couldn’t help but wonder why. Isak hadn’t changed. He was still who he’d always been. Funny. Smart. Witty. The best person in the world. Even’s everything.  _

 

_ So why  _ now?  _ Why was Even’s brain caught up on the idea of being naked under the covers, feeling Isak thrust against him? Why was he unable to stop touching himself to the idea of making out for hours with his friend, coming just from the idea of their lips touching? _

 

_ He’d always  _ loved  _ Isak. He loved him because he was his best friend. But he was scared that he was beginning to love Isak in another way.  _

 

_ He was scared of the fact that he might be completely in love.  _

 

_ “Walk me home?” Isak asked, arms around Even’s waist as he stood in his room, deciding on what hoodie he wanted to wear. Isak had been over all day because it was the weekend, and because on Friday they’d gone for pancakes due to Marianne having an awful week. Isak had come to him on Friday after school with tears in his eyes, puffy cheeks and an embarrassed look.  _

 

“I don’t want to go home,”  _ he’d said, basically collapsing into Even’s chest.  _

 

_ “You are home, Issy. I got you.”  _

 

_ “You’re leaving already?” Even asked, surprised, turning to placing his hands on either side of Isak’s face. “Why?”  _

 

_ “Uh, it’s Sunday. You have uni tomorrow and I have school.” Isak stated, licking his lips. Even couldn’t help but follow the movement.  _

 

_ “Right.” Even said, but of course it was logical. “But you should stay anyways.”  _

 

_ Isak rolled his eyes fondly. “All my stuff is at my place. Clothes. Books. My homework that isn’t finished. I’m wearing your underwear right now.”  _

 

_ “What the hell?” Even asked, hands wandering without his permission; pulling on the top of Isak’s jeans so they were out enough to see the underwear beneath. Isak sucked in his stomach and gasped.  _

 

_ “Jesus, Even. Your hands are cold!” Isak said, but he didn’t move away. And Even felt like he was drunk, in some kind of haze, unable to get over how fucking delicious Isak’s skin looked under his hands. He couldn’t help but stroke the sides of Isak’s stomach, push his fingers under the waistband in search of more warmth. Isak was wearing his goddamn underwear and he couldn’t comprehend why that was mind-blowingly hot.  _

 

_ “Fucking  _ hell!”  _ Even groaned, pushing until Isak’s back hit the wall next to his closet; his hands going down further. He was basically touching Isak’s pubes and he couldn’t breathe.  _

 

_ “Even, what the…”  _

 

_ “I’m sorry. Isak, I’m so fucking sorry but can I? Will you let me?” Even whispered, bringing his chest close enough until he was up against Isak’s, suddenly hypersensitive to how the fabric of his shirt brushed his nipples.  _

 

_ Isak let out a small sound, a whimper, and it made Even look up; made him focus on Isak’s green eyes and not the soft skin of his navel. Isak was breathing heavily, pupils dilated, and Even watched as his friend brought his hands up until they were on top of Even’s.  _

 

_ “You wanna touch me lower?” Isak asked, the sentence so teasingly sexy. But Isak hadn’t said it like he was confident Even wanted him. He said it like he couldn’t believe Even would want such a thing. He looked so uneasy, so confused, but he also looked desperate for Even to say yes.  _

 

_ “Yeah, Issy, I do.” Even said, wanting that hesitancy gone from Isak’s brows. He wanted Isak to know how much he’d been thinking of him lately, how many nights he’d spent longing to touch and never stop. “I don’t want to scare you, or go too fast but...I really want to touch you.”  _

 

_ “Oh my God,” Isak said, the words tumbling out of his mouth like they were drops of water in a stream; garbled and fast. “Even, fuck,  _ really?” 

 

_ And now Isak was pushing Even’s hands lower, begging with his hips - offering himself to his friend with a violent thrust forward. Isak was whimpering like crazy and they hadn’t even done anything.  _

 

_ Even couldn’t help how fast he was achingly hard, how his mouth was watering. Isak was a mess in his hands, so eager. He fucking wanted this too, and Even had never been so relieved. How long had Isak been wanting it? Did he touch himself thinking of Even? His head was swimming with thoughts as he moved his mouth closer to Isak’s.  _

 

_ “Isak, baby. Kiss me?”  _

 

_ “Ugh,” Isak managed to articulate, breathy and soft, before he pushed his mouth up and licked Even’s bottom lip like it was a lollipop. “Please, please, please.”  _

 

_ “God. You’re so perfect.”  _

 

_ And then they were kissing. Even brought his hands up because he needed to touch Isak’s jaw, his bouncy hair. He fisted the back of Isak’s hair and pulled lightly, his stomach nearly caving in at the sound of Isak groaning, spreading his legs more so Even could tuck himself up tightly against him. And holy fuck. Isak was so hard.  _

 

_ Within the bliss of arousal, Even couldn’t help but wonder why this wasn’t weird. This was Isak he had his mouth on. This was someone he’d known forever. The boy he’d somewhat raised.  _

 

_ This was Isak.  _

 

_ But Even had never been more turned on, never been more sure of how right something felt. He just wanted and wanted and wanted. Close wasn’t close enough.  _

 

_ He thrust his hips against Isak tentatively, not wanting to go too fast, but when their groins brushed together gently, Isak went crazy. He broke the kiss to gasp out a moan, eyes closed tightly like he was in pain; like everything was too sensitive, too much. And then he wrapped his arms around Even’s back, seeming to try and get him closer; the unsure movements making themselves known again. Even couldn’t tell what Isak needed.   _

 

_ “Even, I...God, fuck.”  _

 

_ Even couldn’t help but panic, thinking he’d done something wrong. It felt like Isak was about to collapse. He put his hands on Isak’s cheeks - his skin flushed and hot - trying to bring him back, but then Isak moaned loudly and put his face in Even’s shoulder. His hips moved erratically and he was still whimpering, but quietly now.  _

 

_ And holy fucking shit.  _

 

_ Isak just came.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry. I...Even, I’m so sorry.” Isak whispered, sounding close to tears from embarrassment.  _

 

_ Even wasn’t having any of it.  _

 

_ “Isak, you’re so fucking hot. You don’t even know.” He said, pulling Isak’s face back up and bringing him into a searing kiss; thrusting his tongue inside.  _

 

_ Isak kissed back weakly, slumped against him. Even could feel the wetness on Isak’s jeans and he figured it was uncomfortable. He pulled away, looked at Isak’s red face, and smiled.  _

 

_ “Want to have a shower with me?”  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ “Even, shouldn’t we talk about this?” Isak asked, naked and gorgeous under the stream of water, trying to hide himself from his friend’s gaze.  _

 

_ “Oh,” Even muttered, covering himself as well. He was inside the shower equally as naked, right behind Isak and had been about to touch Isak’s waist, but he stopped himself. “I can get out. We don’t have to do this together.”  _

 

_ “No, stay. I just...can we please talk? I feel...I feel…” Isak tried, shaking the water out of his eyes and Even saw that the lost look was back. He reached for Isak before he could finish his thought, bringing them into a surprisingly innocent hug considering the circumstances.  _

 

_ “I’m right there with you, Is. But I think it’s okay. You don’t...regret anything, do you?” Even whispered, comforted by the way Isak was rubbing his hands up and down Even’s back as they were both under the water now.  _

 

_ “No.” Isak said immediately. “How could I regret something I’ve wanted to do forever?”  _

 

_ “What?” Even asked, pulling back. “How long?”  _

 

_ Isak shrugged, looking down at their feet. “I guess...since I was fourteen.”  _

 

Jesus Christ. 

 

_ Even might just die.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry. Is that weird?” Isak asked.  _

 

_ “No, it’s not. Anything you tell me is okay, Isak.” Even nodded, reaching for the shampoo.  _

 

_ Even washed Isak’s hair. He washed his body, relishing how Isak smelled like him. They kissed again, hesitant at first, but before long they were both hard again; the arousal Even had felt before coming back tenfold because now there was miles of bare skin in front of him. And now he knew Isak wanted him too.  _

 

_ Since Isak had been fourteen. Holy fuck.  _

 

_ Did that mean Isak might...feel the same? Not just horniness but more? Could Isak have been in love with Even for years and Even had no idea? Did Even actually know how he felt?  _

 

_ “Let me touch you.” Isak said, voice a little shaky as his flushed arms wrapped around Even’s waist. “Please?”  _

 

_ “Okay,” Even nodded.  _

 

_ Isak’s hand was like heaven when he gripped him. Of course he was clumsy and uncoordinated. It was his first time and Even knew that because he knew everything about Isak. He knew he was giving Isak a bunch of firsts, and as much as Isak might be doubting himself right now, he was actually making Even melt.  _

 

_ Even kept moaning how amazing Isak was, how good it all felt, and before long Even was coming; mouth open to taste the hot water dripping across Isak’s lips.  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ Half an hour later, Isak was laying across his chest looking happier than he ever had before. He smelled good. His hair was still damp and he was running his fingers across Even’s ribs, just breathing and listening to the album Even had put on.  _

 

_ Even wanted to say it. The words were right there because he meant them and because he suddenly just knew how much he was in love with Isak.  _

 

_ But he couldn’t shake the feeling that Isak might not feel the same. Maybe Isak just wanted sex. Maybe...it was better if they kept this casual. Isak was seventeen. He’d never slept with anyone else.  _

 

_ How could Even expect Isak to love him the same way? _

 

_ “Is?”  _

 

_ “Hmm?” Isak tilted his head up so he could look at Even properly.  _

 

_ Even swallowed thickly. “Do you...want to keep doing this?”  _

 

_ Isak licked his lips and then nodded. “Yeah. I...really liked this, Ev.”  _

 

_ “Me too.”  _

 

_ Isak smiled, leaning up further so Even had a better view of Isak’s naked chest. His eyes got stuck on the long scar diving down Isak’s chest and on instinct he reached for it, running his thumb up and down the raised, red skin.  _

 

_ “Stop. I know it’s hideous.” Isak said, attempting to push Even’s hand away and hide. Even frowned and moved Isak closer so he had an even better look at the scar.  _

 

_ “Scars are beautiful, Issy. Don’t hide from me.” _

_ “It’s ugly, though. Stop looking at it.” _

_ “Nothing about you is ugly.” Even whispered, leaning down until he could kiss the top of Isak’s scar. “So, shut up.”  _

 

_ Isak sucked in a surprised breath, placing a hand on the back of Even’s head and bringing his face up so they could kiss. It lasted for a while, Even the first to pull away; breathless and shaking.  _

 

_ Again, the words were  _ right there  _ as he stared at Isak. He wanted to scream it at the top of his lungs. I love you. I love you so much. But when he opened his mouth, he said the only thing he was brave enough to ask.  _

 

_ “So, friends with benefits?”  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ “Don’t hurt him, okay?” Jonas slurred, leaning against the wall as music from the party pounded through the floor boards; everyone around them drunk or high or both.  _

 

_ Even wasn’t any of those. He was dead sober, watching Isak talk to Magnus from across the room; his face bright and beautiful. He turned to Jonas and frowned.  _

 

_ “What?”  _

 

_ “You know what.” Jonas accused, pointing a finger at Even’s chest. It was then Even noticed that Jonas was motioning in Isak’s direction, accurate even in his drunkenness.  _

 

_ “Jonas, we’re just…”  _

 

_ “Yeah. Sure. But I still fucking mean it.”  _

 

_ He walked away, leaving Even more confused. Jonas never mentioned anything after that again.  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ 18 and 20 _

 

_ Even had been surprised when Isak randomly came over one May night to his first apartment he shared with roommates in uni, looking insanely pleased with himself. He practically floated into Even’s front corridor, buzzing with delight.  _

 

_ “Did you win the lottery or something?” Even chuckled, ushering him into the kitchen.  _

 

_ “Nope.” Isak said, hopping up onto the a kitchen bar chair and leaning over the counter as Even grabbed him a drink. _

 

_ “Get top marks in all your classes?”  _

 

_ “Nope.”  _

 

_ “For fuck’s sake, just tell me.”  _

 

_ “I had sex with this guy and it was amazing.”  _

 

_ Even dropped the cans of soda he was holding and they burst open on the floor. He stood frozen for a second, his brain momentarily switching off.  _

 

What? 

 

What the fuck? 

 

_ “Jesus, Even. Where are your paper towels?” _

 

_ “You slept with someone else?” Even asked, ignoring how Isak was dashing around him, trying to clean up the liquid.  _

 

_ “Will you fucking help me you dumbass?” Isak laughed fondly, down on his knees trying to clean.  _

 

_ Even sunk down to the floor and began mopping up the mess, watching Isak carefully. Why was his heart beating so fast? Why was he almost close to tears?  _

 

_ Why was he  _ surprised  _ by this?  _

 

_ “But yeah, I met him on Grindr. We had a drink and went back to his place. It was nice.” Isak continued, putting the dirty paper towels into the garbage and washing his hands. Even followed his movements, grabbing two new cans and handing one to Isak.  _

 

_ “Um, well. That’s good.” Even coughed, taking a long sip of his cola.  _

 

_ “We’re not dating though. Just a hook up. So we can still...you know.” Isak stated, suddenly blushing.  _

 

_ They had never talked about other people. Even never brought it up because he hadn’t been thinking of anyone else for close to a year. Isak was the only person he hooked up with. He didn’t think Isak would want someone else.  _

 

_ Fuck. It was his own fault. He’d come up with this whole friends with benefits bullshit anyway. He wanted to kick himself.  _

 

_ “You still want to...be together sometimes, right?” Isak asked, looking concerned at Even’s lack of response.  _

 

I want to be together all the time. 

 

But I’m a coward. 

 

_ “Duh,” Even smiled, placing a kiss on Isak’s lips to prove it; dying a little at how much he wanted to do that every day. Whenever he wanted.  _

 

_ He just wanted to belong to Isak.  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ Isak was losing weight.  _

 

_ Even noticed because they were naked with each other on a regular basis. Isak had lost a lot of weight when they were younger, back when his heart was giving him some problems. It was a good amount of weight to help keep him healthy. Nothing excessive, and he’d kept that weight for the last three years.  _

 

_ But suddenly, as Isak started first year university, he began shrinking. And Even noticed Isak didn’t want sugary drinks anymore. He didn’t eat more than one pancake when they had pancake emergency days. Usually he had at least three.  _

 

_ The flesh that covered Isak’s hips was thinner, his bones more prominent. They were lying together afterwards one night and Even placed a kiss between Isak’s ribs and hip, trying to find the words; put his thoughts in order.  _

 

_ “Issy?”  _

 

_ “Yeah?”  _

 

_ “I’m worried about you.”  _

 

_ Isak frowned, giving Even a look that proved his full attention was on Even. “What do you mean?”  _

 

_ “I’ve just noticed that...you’ve lost some weight.”  _

 

_ “Oh,” Isak said, looking relieved. “I know. I think it’s just stress from starting uni. No big deal.”  _

 

_ “You’re remembering to eat though? I can make meals for you sometimes.”  _

 

_ “Thanks  _ Dad.”  _ Isak rolled his eyes.  _

 

_ “I’m serious.”  _

 

_ “I’m fine, Even.”  _

 

_ But as the months wore on, Isak wasn’t fine. He was eating less. Not sleeping very well. Even understood the stress of school but instead of normal weight gain students experienced, Isak was the exact opposite.  _

 

_ Isak hated it when Even brought it up. He would deny it. Change the subject. Make dinner to prove that he was eating but then barely touch it.  _

 

_ Lea moved away shortly after that, and Isak got even worse. He’d always been close with his older sister. She’d taken care of him when their mom wasn’t well. She took on the responsibility a lot of the time when dealing with their mother’s illness until she moved out with her boyfriend when Isak was fifteen. Then it had fallen to Isak. Marianne was in a home now which was better, but losing Lea completely was an especially hard blow to Isak.  _

 

_ “She said we’ll Skype, but I know that’s bullshit.” Isak said, sitting across from Even at their favourite brunch place; tears streaming down his face.  _

 

_ Even’s hands were on Isak’s, trying to give some kind of comfort.  _

 

_ “Lea will make the effort to talk to you. I know she will, Is.”  _

 

_ “You don’t know that.” Isak shook his head. “She’ll have a million other things to do before she remembers me.”  _

 

_ “Isak, that’s not true.”  _

 

_ “Yes it is.”  _

 

_ Isak shoved his plate of pancakes away and tore his hands free from Even, standing up and grabbing his coat.  _

 

_ “Isak, what…”  _

 

_ “I have some readings I have to finish for class. See you later.” He left without eating a bite of his food.  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ June 18th  _

 

_ Isak was almost nineteen. He shared the same birthday as Even’s mom, Jenny, and sometimes Even planned for Isak to join his family so they could celebrate both of them. This year, Even had been planning a surprise for his mom because they were going to celebrate Isak’s birthday on the weekend with all their friends. Isak was meeting him at Starbucks to chat about what they were going to do.  _

 

_ Isak was speaking to Even perfectly fine when he arrived, running up to Even who had gotten into the long line and squeezing his side in greeting with a smile on his beautiful face. He was going on about something funny that had happened in his class and Even was listening fondly.  _

 

_ But then, as Even was paying for their drinks, Isak collapsed. Isak had attempted to touch Even’s shoulder, mumbling something unintelligible but he’d passed out before he could say it properly and before Even could turn enough to grab him. A few people behind him caught him before he hit his head, helping him to the ground.  _

 

_ The whole entire world stopped.  _

 

_ “Isak! Isak!”  _

 

_ Even couldn’t stop screaming. He couldn’t stop crying. He didn’t know what was happening around him. All he could do was kneel down next to the man he loved and shake him; needing to see Isak’s eyes.  _

 

_ “Sir, we’re here to get him to the hospital. You need to let us take him now.”  _

 

_ Someone grabbed Even and hauled him up, dragged him behind the gurney Isak was now on and guided him into the ambulance when they got Isak inside as well.  _

 

_ Even didn’t leave Isak for a second. And it felt like maybe ten minutes. The ambulance ride. The emergency room. The tests they did on Isak who was still unconscious. The waiting room. Being admitted to an actual room. Terje arriving. Jenny arriving. Magnus and Jonas and Mahdi. What had been hours felt like minutes. Even didn’t realize he hadn’t slept.  _

 

_ And when Isak finally did wake up, when he finally came back to Even, Even couldn’t find the words. All he kept thinking was  _ thank you thank you thank you.  _ He’s not dead. You haven’t lost him.  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ 19 and 21 _

 

_ “I’m not anorexic! What the fuck?” Isak shouted, sitting on the couch in Terje’s living room surrounded by all the people who loved him the most; Even right beside him.  _

 

_ “Isak, can you just listen to what we have to say?” Even begged, putting his hand on Isak’s thigh.  _

 

_ “No!” He pushed Even away, but didn’t try to leave the room. He didn’t run out like most of them had been expecting.   _

 

_ “Isak, please?” Lea asked, tears in her eyes.  _

 

_ She was directly in front of Isak on another couch, Terje next to her and she looked exhausted. Her curly blonde hair, the same colour as Isak’s, was up in a messy bun and her skin looked glossy. She’d come back from Canada two days after Isak’s episode, frantic with worry after Even had called her. She’d stuck around since then, trying to organise this intervention with Even. They hadn’t known it would take months. They hadn’t known Isak’s doctors would wait so long to see the severity of not only Isak’s heart condition, but his eating disorder as well. And how his eating disorder affected his heart. They didn’t know finding him a place in a recovery center would be such a struggle. But they had finally managed it. Isak could go today. He just had to say yes.  _

 

_ “What makes you think I’m sick? My heart is what is wrong with me, Lea. I’m back on my meds. I’m fine!” Isak shouted, putting his head in his hands.  _

 

_ “You don’t eat.” Jonas said, rubbing his hands together. “You don’t, Isak. It’s just the truth.”  _

 

_ “We get kebabs all the time!”  _

 

_ “Yeah, and I usually end up eating yours after you take one bite of it.”  _

 

_ Isak didn’t have a response to that. He just looked down at the floor.  _

 

_ “You drink coffee to suppress your appetite.” Magnus whispered, unable to look at Isak. He looked sad and uncomfortable; an expression Even didn’t remembering ever seeing before. “You can get through six cups in one sitting, no problem.”  _

 

_ “I like coffee. So what?”  _

 

_ “It’s not good, Isak. Especially when you eat nothing.” Magnus said, swallowing back tears.  _

 

_ “Fucking hell. This is such bullshit. Even, we get pancakes all the time. We get brunch all the time. Why are you doing this?” Isak asked, looking at Even. He was pleading with his eyes for Even to be on his side, to back him up like Even had done all his life with everything else.  _

 

_ But backing Isak up now meant Isak would die. He’d wither away to nothing. And Even couldn’t do that. He couldn’t watch his friend die.  _

 

_ “For the last year or so, you haven’t eaten like you used to, Isak. You push your food around your plate. You have a few bites. But that’s it. Like Jonas, I eat a lot of your share. I’m sorry, Issy. But it’s true.”  _

 

_ “This is so cliche and stupid! Staging an intervention like I’m some kind of drug addict.” Isak scoffed, shaking his head.  _

 

_ “We’re here because we care about you.” Lea said in a soft voice.  _

 

_ “Yeah, you care about me so much that you hadn’t spoken to me for weeks before I was in the hospital!” Isak retorted, his voice shrill and cracking.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry, Isak. I know we didn’t speak but I still love you. I still care!”  _

 

_ “No, you don’t!”  _

 

_ “We all love you, Isak.” Jonas said, standing up and walking over.  _

 

_ He got down on his knees in front of Isak and put his hands on Isak’s face. Even had never seen Jonas look like this, so serious and scared. But he was shaking as he looked at Isak, his chin wobbling as he held back tears.  _

 

_ “Jonas, stop.” Isak said, but there was no anger anymore. He just sounded defeated, tired. He squirmed away but weakly, not shoving Jonas like he had with Even.  _

 

_ “No,” Jonas said. “Because stopping means I lose you, and I can’t fucking lose you Isak. None of us would be the same without you. Every single person in this room loves you so much, Isak. That’s why we’re here. We want you to be okay. We want you to be healthy. So, we’re not stopping until you say yes. Until you get help.”  _

 

_ Even was crying now. Everyone was. Isak was bawling as Jonas brought their foreheads together, stroking Isak’s hair; helping him through it the way Even wanted to.  _

 

_ “I don’t deserve all this,” Isak whispered, barely loud enough for Jonas and Even to hear. No-one else in the room could hear except the two of them. “I’m not...worth it.”  _

 

_ “Yes you fucking are.” Jonas said, louder now. “Isak, you’re worth everything.”  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ “Will you come with me? For the drive?” Isak asked, reaching for Even’s hand as everyone else left. They’d all hugged him, cried how proud they were. They left Even alone with Isak in the living room, Terje and Lea outside waiting in the car.  _

 

_ “Of course. If you want me to.”  _

 

_ “I do. Even, I’m so scared.” Isak said, suddenly bursting into tears. Even grabbed him and pulled him into his lap, trying to soothe the pain he could feel in every part of Isak’s body. Every muscle. Every joint.  _

 

_ “I know. I know.” He said over and over, running his hands all over Isak’s back as Isak screamed into his shoulder.  _

 

_ “What if I can’t do it?” Isak wailed. “What if I let everyone down?”  _

 

_ “You won’t. You’re going to get through this.”  _

 

_ “I’m so sorry, Evy. I’m sorry I’m like this.”  _

 

_ Even shook his head. No, he wanted to say. Don’t be sorry. You’re everything. You’re everything to me. Everything you are is everything I need. I… _

 

_ “I love you, I love you, I love you.” Even whispered, bringing Isak’s mouth up to his and kissing him. Isak’s mouth was dry from crying, from shouting. He tasted of stale tea but Even didn’t care. He loved it. He loved everything about this boy and he knew Isak could do it. He knew how strong Isak was.  _

 

_ “If anyone can do this, Isak, it’s you.”  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ Isak never mentioned the ‘I love yous.’ If he heard them, he didn’t act like it. And Even didn’t say it again.  _

 

_ His friend was recovering. There were more important things to worry about.  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ 20 and 22 _

 

_ “I’m Sonja,” The girl with the sparkly eyes and blonde hair smiled, holding her hand out in greeting. Even shook it, returning the smile.  _

 

_ “Even. You new in the program? I haven’t seen you before.”  _

 

_ “I just transferred.”  _

 

_ “I can help you catch up sometime. If you need it.”  _

 

_ He didn’t expect Sonja to shift her whole body towards him, ignoring their professor when he began the class, and look him up and down like he was some kind of delicious meal.  _

 

_ “I’d love that.”  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ Even still couldn’t believe Isak could come untouched. He couldn’t do it unless Even was fucking him from behind, tilting his hips up at just the right angle. They both had to be prepared for it.  _

 

_ But it was incredible when they did it. The sounds Isak made were unlike anything he uttered during anything else they did together. It sent fire through Even’s body, turned him on to no end.  _

 

_ But the thing Even loved most was how much Isak said his name. It was constant, never ending. A crescendo. And when Isak finally got there, arms giving out, muscles tightening, the “Even” he said was a relief; a whisper.  _

 

_ It sounded like love.  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ Even couldn’t help bringing Isak groceries every week. He couldn’t help checking up on Isak, examining his body when they were together every few weeks to make sure he wasn’t losing weight. He nagged Isak when he wouldn’t finish a full meal, when he was drinking too much coffee. He knew Isak wasn’t slipping like last time. He knew old habits were hard to break. He knew Isak was technically okay. But the thought that he could lose Isak, that they could get back to where they were a year ago, was too much to bear.  _

 

_ So he didn’t care if Isak rolled his eyes, made protests about the groceries. He didn’t mind it. Because he always left Isak’s place knowing he had food, knowing Isak would eventually eat everything he bought.  _

 

_ Knowing Isak was safe.  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ He didn’t understand why he couldn’t take it anymore, but in October the whole agreement had become unbearable. He couldn’t handle being Isak’s friends with benefits anymore.  _

 

_ Isak was like his boyfriend. They did so many things that were like a couple. Isak was his best friend. The person he talked to about everything. They slept together. They helped each other through crisis after crisis.  _

 

_ But Isak didn’t love him.  _

 

_ Isak still only saw Even as a friends with benefits because he slept with other people. He thought Even was sleeping with other people but he wasn’t. He had told Isak he was to make it seem like he didn’t think about Isak every second of the day, to give him some peace of mind. But the truth was that Even hadn’t kissed, touched or fucked someone else in three years.  _

 

_ He couldn’t go on like this. He couldn’t keep pretending. He thought about telling Isak the truth. He thought about finally admitting it.  _

 

_ But he was so fucking scared. He didn’t want to ruin everything between them. He didn’t want to lose his friend.  _

 

_ So as hard as it was to finally say yes to Sonja’s request to go out for a date, he agreed one day. And it had gone well. She was kind and smart. She had his full attention throughout the dinner they shared. She had made him laugh.  _

 

_ And when he dropped her off that night, kissing her and tasting her, he thought that  _ maybe  _ he could do this. He could redirect his heart from Isak to Sonja.  _

 

_ Because truth be told, unrequieted love really sucked.  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ Even put everything he had into making love to Isak for the last time. He savoured it. He tried to remember everything. The sounds. The taste. How Isak felt. Because he knew he wouldn’t get it again. He knew if he was committing to Sonja, he would have to let everything he was experiencing right now go; crush it to dust and send it off into the wind.  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ “I’m happy for you, okay?” Isak looked right into Even’s eyes as he said it.  _

 

_ They had gotten together for coffee the day after he told Isak about Sonja and Even couldn’t help but be disappointed at how indifferent Isak sounded. All day he thought Isak was upset about it. He’d gotten stupidly excited at the prospect of Even dating someone actually hurting Isak somehow.  _

 

_ But Isak was fine. He had just been busy with school. He didn’t need pancakes. This wasn’t a time for that. Because Isak was completely fine.  _

 

_ Fuck.  _

 

_ But this is what he’d wanted. This was a good thing. This confirmed what he already knew.  _

 

_ “Can I walk you home?”  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ “Even, you know I don’t want to wait until marriage or something ridiculous like that right?” Sonja sighed, sitting up on her bed and buttoning up her shirt. She was practically naked in Even’s bed, incredibly sexy and wanting him.  _

 

_ But Even couldn’t do it.  _

 

_ “I know that.”  _

 

_ “Then what’s the problem?” She asked, standing up and coming towards him. He was sitting on his desk chair, shirtless and in his boxers. She sat down on top of him, straddling him. It wasn’t sexual anymore though. It was meant to be comforting. He put his forehead against her chest.  _

 

_ They had come so close. He’d almost let himself go all the way with her, but Isak’s stupid face kept flashing behind his eyes. He kept wanting to feel broad shoulders under his hands instead of curvy hips. He kept expecting to feel a flat chest rather than perky breasts.  _

 

_ He was losing his mind.  _

 

_ “I don’t know. I’m sorry.”  _

 

_ ** _

 

**_Late November_ **

 

_ He thought it had been indifference. He thought Isak was okay with him being with Sonja. Hell, Isak had hooked up with someone shortly after he’d heard the news. And they hadn’t seen each other much because it turns out having a girlfriend takes up a lot of time. Sonja was now the person Even did everything with.  _

 

_ But when he did see Isak, especially when he saw Isak and Sonja was with him, Isak looked like the world was about to end. He looked pale. Sick. He looked completely crushed and Even couldn’t stand it anymore.  _

 

_ Had he read this all wrong? Did Isak actually have feelings for him?  _

 

_ He had to know. It was driving him crazy. Even though he spent all his time with Sonja he wasn’t entirely with her. He still thought about Isak all the fucking time. He still couldn’t sleep with her.  _

 

_ He knew it was reckless. He knew he shouldn’t do this, especially since Sonja and all their friends were inside. But he pushed Isak out onto the balcony and finally found the courage.  _

 

_ “Are you in love with me?”  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ Even thought he’d come close to figuring it out. He thought he was getting somewhere. He thought Isak was going to say he felt it too. He thought Isak might want him. He thought all the years they slept together meant something. All the glances and touches. All the love he imagined was between them.  _

 

_ They were talking in circles as they stood on the freezing balcony. Even had kissed him because he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help how hopelessly in love he still was. He couldn’t  _ think.  _ And Isak had asked him to. He asked, begged.  _

 

_ But then. _

 

Then. 

 

_ “You need to fuck her, Ev. Then this can stop being awkward, right?”  _

 

_ Isak was laughing at him. He was making it out like everything was just sexual tension. Even needed to get laid. Then he wouldn’t want Isak. Then they could go back to being ‘bros’ as if that’s all they’d ever been.  _

 

_ Right. Of course.  _

 

_ He put his arm around Isak’s waist because he didn’t know what else to do, and followed Isak back inside. When they got there, he dove into Sonja’s space and kissed the lipstick right off her lips.  _

 

_ ** _

 

_ “Even, fuck. So good.”  _

 

_ Even had Sonja against the wall, both of their jeans pulled down around their thighs. Her hands were held up behind her head by one of his hands as he was thrusting into her, the other hand on her slim hip, again and again. His eyes were closed.  _

 

_ The party had ended. Isak had left with Jonas. And as soon as everyone was gone, Even brought Sonja into his room and kissed her again. Hard. And that had led to this, finally being inside someone else; finally thinking of nobody else except the person he was fucking.  _

 

_ ** _

 

**_Middle of December_ **

 

_ “You don’t know for sure?” Even asked, holding Sonja in his arms. They were standing in her bedroom. She lived in a shared apartment with three other girls and they were in the living room, laughing at something they were watching on TV.  _

 

_ Sonja was crying against his chest.  _

 

_ “The pregnancy test says no, but I never miss my period. I’m never late. God, I can’t handle this.”  _

 

_ “It’s going to be okay.”  _

 

_ He tried to hide how badly he was shaking. He tried to hold back the sick feeling swimming in his stomach.  _

 

_ “Will you come with me?” She sniffed, wiping her nose and leaning back to look at him properly.  _

 

_ “Of course, Sonja.”  _

 

_ Later that night when he was home, he pulled out his phone.  _

 

_ (18:10) Can we meet at KB? It’s an emergency.  _

 

_ ** _

 

“A boyfriend?” 

 

Isak looked sheepish, his cheeks red. “Yeah. His name is Daniel.” 

 

Even was seething. He hated everything. He wanted to throw something. He wanted someone to give him a miracle cure for being in love with the boy in front of him. 

 

He wanted to be free of this feeling. 

 

“Good for you.” He made himself say. 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“Yeah. Of course. Listen, I have to go. I’m really tired.” Even said, standing up; his coffee untouched. Isak looked taken aback but he stood up as well, following Even to the door. 

 

“You’ll let me know what happens with...the situation?” Isak asked, his eyebrows raised. 

 

The situation? 

 

Oh right. Whether Even was becoming a father or not. 

 

His heart pounded in his chest, making him light-headed. He put a hand on Isak’s shoulder and squeezed, nodding. 

 

“Sure, bro. See ya.” 


	7. Easy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Isak POV.
> 
> *A little side note, a lot of bad, heartbreaking shit is happening in my life right now so if you leave a comment about the story can you also tell me something amazing that's happening in your life right now? I need to hear some good news. :) Thanks and love you all <3 *

Bro?  _ Bro?  _

 

Had Isak imagined that? He watched Even walk down the road, unable to follow, speechless to his core. He knew he had said they could go back to being ‘bros’ when he’d told Even to sleep with Sonja. He knew he’d used that word. But hearing Even actually call him that was like a slap in the face. 

 

He was about to walk home, try to make himself not care about how dismissive Even had just been, when he remembered all the messages he had been getting before putting his phone on silent to talk to Even. He opened up his texts and couldn’t help but smile, almost instantly in a better mood. 

 

**Daniel** (18:07) 

 

Isak

 

Hey, Isak, wanna know a secret? :P

 

You’re really cute

 

And sexy

 

God so sexy, I might just die

 

What are you doing now? 

 

Want to come over? 

 

(18:23) 

 

Be right there

 

**

 

Isak hadn’t expected Daniel to be more than a one night stand. They’d first hooked up right after Even had started dating Sonja, back when Isak’s emotions had been freshly torn to shreds. All he’d wanted was a distraction, something easy. The last thing he wanted was a relationship. 

 

But they’d seen each other again. And then again. And Isak had slept over, which he never did with his Grindr hookups but Daniel had insisted. After they’d had sex, Daniel cuddled Isak closer and kept kissing him, worshipping him in a way that Isak hadn’t experienced in a really long time. The feeling was kind of addicting. 

 

_ “Let me make you breakfast,” Daniel had offered, smirking at Isak’s confused expression.  _

 

_ “It’s literally one in the morning.”  _

 

_ “Exactly. Sleep over, and then I’ll make you breakfast when it’s actually breakfast time.”  _

 

Daniel had a way of persuading him to not overthink things. He made things simple despite how complicated everything felt for Isak. Daniel laughed all the time. Everything was at least somewhat funny to him, but not in a way that made it impossible for him to take things seriously. He wasn’t obnoxious about it. He just liked to smile, and Isak liked seeing him smile because it showed off his dimple on the right side of his face. It made his eyes light up. It made  _ Isak _ smile. 

 

Daniel was smart too. A science major working on his masters degree. Despite their three year age difference he never made Isak think it was a problem; never treated him like he was more mature than Isak. When he’d brought Isak out one night to meet some of his friends, he never left Isak’s side. He introduced him to everyone and they were all so friendly. Isak thought it might have been weird but Daniel seemed to surround himself with people who were equally as open and kind as he was. 

 

Two days after Isak had gotten together with Even at KB, Daniel invited Isak over to his best friend’s house to have a board game night. Isak hadn’t played board games in years but he had agreed, making a veggie dip to bring along. Daniel chuckled at Isak when he came to pick him up, kissing him fiercely. 

 

“You’re adorable.” 

 

“Why? Because I made dip?” 

 

“No, because you’re thoughtful. Ben will love it. He loves it when people bring food on nights he hosts.” Daniel said, putting the tray into a bag. 

 

“I guess he’ll love me then.” 

 

“Who wouldn’t?” Daniel winked, heading for the door. Isak paused for a second in the kitchen, realizing what Daniel had just said. 

 

It would be easy for Isak to overthink this. If it had been Even, Isak would have been caught up for days wondering and wishing that he’d actually meant he loved Isak; was in love with him. But he knew where he was in his relationship with Daniel. He knew they were just starting out; nowhere near the ‘I love you’ stage. 

 

And everything made sense again. The panic went away. And they went to the party.

 

**

 

**Even** (21:21): 

 

Hey

 

Sonja isn’t pregnant

 

Just thought you might want to know

 

(21:24)

 

That’s good news

 

Coffee tomorrow?

 

Yeah

 

Double date? 

 

Sonja wants to meet Daniel as well

 

Sure, okay

 

What time?

 

17:00?

 

Cool

 

See you then

**

 

“That was a fun night.” Isak said, sitting down on his couch as Daniel brought over two glasses of water. They’d both had a few drinks and needed to sober up a little. It was a school night after all. 

 

“All my friends love you.” Daniel smiled, chugging his water. Isak laughed at how dopey Daniel got when he was tipsy; loose and rambly. He plopped down next to Isak and leaned his head on his shoulder. 

 

“I’m glad. They’re all really good people.” 

 

“And you beat their asses at Catan. My god! You’re really competitive.” Daniel cackled, throwing his head back like nothing in the world was funnier. 

 

“Yeah. I like games. So what?” Isak smirked, putting his glass down and putting his legs on either side of his boyfriend. Daniel immediately put his hands on Isak’s thighs and leaned in for a kiss. 

 

“Nothing. You’re just funny when you’re concentrating. You get this little frown line between your eyebrows and your mouth goes all pouty.” Daniel ran his thumb along Isak’s lips, staring at them. 

 

Isak couldn’t help but dive into a kiss, turning it dirty almost immediately. They’d only been dating for 3 weeks but he found himself thinking of Daniel all the time. He really loved how Daniel’s hands felt on him, how big and sure they were as they explored his skin. He loved grinding against him, feeling how much bulkier he was than himself. He had legitimate muscles, bulging arms and meaty thighs and the first time Isak had sat on his lap he’d melted a little. 

 

But now that he knew what a nice person Daniel was, how kind and caring and wonderful he was to everyone around him - especially Isak - it made the whole thing even hotter. It made Isak a little crazy. He hadn’t ever been given this much attention by someone before. Daniel was great at surprises, grand gestures. Great at making Isak feel amazing about himself; something nobody had been able to do besides Even. But really, Isak had never given anyone else the chance. 

 

For the first time in his life Isak was with someone who only wanted him. And he couldn’t help but be incredibly, stupidly happy. 

 

“Isak?” Daniel asked, leaning back and away from the kiss. 

 

“Don’t stop kissing me, damnit.” Isak whined, pulling at the hem of Daniel’s shirt. His boyfriend chuckled, putting his hands over Isak’s which prevented him from getting Daniel shirtless. 

 

“This is important, baby.” 

 

Ugh, Isak even loved it when Daniel called him baby. And it shouldn’t make him so happy because that’s what Even used to called him. He was still surprised by how much he  _ didn’t  _ think about Even. He thought he would all the time, comparing every little thing Daniel did to Even. He’d been scared that this relationship would have been one sided, that he wouldn’t be fully invested in Daniel but just went along with it to feel something else. 

 

But it wasn’t like that at all. Isak legitimately had feelings for him.  

 

“What is it?” Isak asked, kissing gently across Daniel’s jaw, his hands wandering to his belt instead. Maybe he could get him pantsless rather than shirtless. 

 

“You didn’t eat anything tonight.” Daniel said, stopping Isak right in his tracks. He practically flinched away, leaning back far enough that he nearly fell to the floor. 

 

“What?” 

 

Daniel sighed, looking guilty for bringing it up. He reached out and brushed the messy hair off Isak’s forehead. “I just...I’ve noticed you do that sometimes. Don’t eat. And I wondered if...that was a problem for you?” 

 

Isak swallowed thickly, not knowing what to say. He wanted to deny it. He wanted to pretend it wasn’t a problem, that he’d never been hospitalized for his eating disorder. He wanted to pretend the last few months hadn’t affected his eating habits. 

 

But he didn’t want to lie to the boy in front of him. He didn’t want there to be secrets between them, and the sudden urge to be honest about everything scared him a little bit. He was surprised by how much he wanted Daniel to know. 

 

“I...I’ve struggled with an eating disorder. Yeah.” Isak nodded, his words quiet. He moved himself back to sitting beside Daniel rather than straddling him, crossing his arms in front of his chest. 

 

“Okay. Thanks for telling me.” Daniel said, turning his body towards Isak but giving him some space. He didn’t seem tipsy anymore. He looked dead-sober, once again giving Isak all his focus. 

 

“It’s been kind of hard the last few months. I was doing well with eating and meal planning as part of outpatient treatment but...stress can really affect me.” Isak explained.  _ Being in love with your best friend and seeing them with someone kind of ruined my life for a while and I haven’t fully recovered yet.  _

 

“Can I do something to help? Or can you ask a friend who you trust to help you figure out how to eat a little more frequently?” Daniel asked, reaching for Isak’s hand and entwining their fingers. 

 

Isak couldn’t help but smile, not able to think of the words to express how grateful he was. 

 

“You don’t think it’s...too much?” He asked, leaning in a little closer. 

 

“Too much?” 

 

“Yeah. Too much to handle. I get if you’re weirded out or something.” 

 

“No, Isak. I’m not like that. I’m not someone who’s going to run when things get hard. Not like talking about this is  _ hard  _ for me. I just want to make sure you’re okay and that I’m doing everything you need and…” 

 

Isak cut him off by kissing him - sweetly this time, wrapping his arms around him the next second and breathing in the smell of Daniel’s cologne as he buried his nose in his shoulder. 

 

“Why are you so wonderful?” Isak whispered. 

 

“I think the question is, why are  _ you  _ so wonderful?” 

 

“You’re such a cheese ball!” 

 

“Yep.” Daniel smirked, looking too proud of himself. He brought Isak’s face back up and kissed both his cheeks. “So, what do you need from me?” 

 

Isak didn’t know what to say. Nobody had really asked before. Everyone just assumed. Jonas didn’t give him soda when they were hanging out. His father e-transfered money sometimes with the password ‘for groceries’ as a reminder for Isak to eat. Even physically brought groceries over every week without asking. Again, he always just assumed it’s what Isak wanted. 

 

As he looked at Daniel patiently waiting for him to reply, Isak literally couldn’t think of words for it. 

 

“Isak?” 

 

“Fuck. I don’t know. Nobody’s asked me before.” 

 

“Nobody’s asked you want you need when it comes to managing your eating?” Daniel frowned. 

 

“I guess...not.” 

 

“Okay. Well how about you think about it, and let me know? You don’t have to decide right this second.” 

 

Again, Daniel made everything so easy. 

 

**

 

Isak hadn’t expected the knock on his door at 16:00 the next day. Daniel was meeting him at KB and Even was coming with Sonja. There was no reason anyone should be at his apartment. 

 

So when he opened the door and saw not only Even but also Sonja, he couldn’t be held responsible for the loud squeak of surprise he let out. 

 

“Um...hi?” Isak managed, frowning. 

 

“Hey!” Sonja smiled, wrapping her arms around Isak and then kissing his cheek. “Sorry to just drop by. But Even wanted to bring you something.” 

 

Isak looked back at his friend and saw grocery bags under his arms. He smiled brightly at Isak, walking inside and kicking the door closed behind him. 

 

“I’m really excited to meet your boyfriend.” Sonja said, sitting down at the kitchen table while Even began unloading the groceries. Isak stood in the doorway, anger surging through him. 

 

“Me too. Sounds like a nice guy.” 

 

“You literally know nothing about him.” Isak quipped, crossing his arms in front of his chest. He stared at Even, ignoring Sonja, and raised his eyebrows in a challenge. 

 

“You’ve told me about him.” 

 

“I’ve told you we’ve met up a few times. That’s it.” 

 

“Okay? Can’t I assume he’s nice? If you’re dating him, he must be a good person.” Even said, trying to keep things light. His eyes wandered to his girlfriend who now looked tense, an unsure frown across her forehead. 

 

“Why are you bringing me groceries, Even?” Isak sighed, coming closer to examine what he’d brought. It was all stuff Isak didn’t eat. He had mountains of unused pasta in his cupboards. Tons of cheesy sauces he hadn’t touched. He threw out a lot of food each week for this very reason. 

 

“I had some extra…” 

 

“No, you fucking didn’t. You buy me groceries every week and I don’t need you to!” Isak said, raising his voice. “I don’t eat this stuff. If you ever asked me what I needed, you’d fucking know that!” 

 

Even’s eyes were wide and his face had gone pale. He stood with a loaf of bread in his hand, opening his mouth and closing it again like he was unable to decide what to say. 

 

“I...I’m sorry.” He finally whispered, putting down the food. 

 

Isak wanted to feel guilty. He tried to tell himself that Even brought groceries because he cared, because he wanted to make sure Isak had food. Isak’s history with eating wasn’t the best and he knew how badly he had scared Even. But it had been an unhelpful gesture for a long time and Isak was angry that Even never listened to his protests. He was upset that his friend didn’t seem to listen to what Isak actually said or bother to ask him what he could do that would actually be helpful. 

 

“Just...don’t bring me groceries anymore, okay? I don’t need them.” Isak huffed, walking back into his room and grabbing his coat and wallet. He came back to Sonja and Even whispering, abruptly stopping when he walked back into the kitchen. 

 

Isak rolled his eyes. 

 

“Look, Isak. The thing is…” Sonja began, but Even quickly grabbed her hand and shook his head. She looked back at him and Isak could see their silent exchange. He could see that Sonja was frustrated. 

 

“Just leave it.” Even said. “It’s fine.”

 

“It’s really  _ not  _ fine.” Sonja exclaimed, pulling her hand away and turning to face Isak. “He’s told me about your eating disorder. I saw how upset he got when you hadn’t picked up your meds. I don’t think it’s okay that you’re so upset at him for wanting to help you take care of yourself, Isak. I think...I think you owe him an apology.” 

 

Isak was furious now. How dare she? This had nothing to do with her. 

 

“Sonja, I can handle my own stuff. Just drop it.” Even said hurriedly, flashing Isak an apologetic look. 

 

“He’s being rude, though! You don’t deserve it.” 

 

“Can you leave, please?” Isak said, trying to use the calmest voice he had. “I need you to go.” 

 

Sonja glared at him, rolling her eyes before stomping towards the door; her heels clicking loudly across the wooden hall. Isak waited for Even to follow her but he didn’t budge. He stood exactly where he’d been since Isak told him to stop bringing groceries. 

 

“Issy, she’s out of line. I didn’t ask her to do that…” Even attempted, still not moving. 

 

“And I never asked you to bring me groceries, did I? But I asked you on multiple occasions  _ not  _ to bring me food and you never listened! You never listen to me when it matters.” Isak explained, stupidly close to tears now. He hated that his reaction to frustrating situations was to cry. He either cried or got stupidly angry, punching walls and breaking things. He wasn’t proud of it but it was hard to control. 

 

“Even, are you coming?” Sonja called, opening the door. Isak could hear it all the way from where he was standing. 

 

“God, Isak. I’m sorry.” Even said again, finally moving away from the fridge and following his girlfriend out. The door slammed behind them and Isak faintly heard Even say ‘don’t fucking do that again’ before their voices faded completely. 

 

**

 

Isak could admit to himself that he’d slept with a lot of people. He’d had a lot of one night stands off of Grindr and Tinder. Some of them had been fun, others he’d barely felt anything. But most of the time he found himself comparing them to Even. They were always too rough. Too soft. Didn’t know his body like Even. Didn’t understand what Isak needed. But they were distractions. They were meant to be nothing but distractions while Isak waited for the day that Even would love him back and neither of them would have to hook up anymore. 

 

Thinking back on it now, Isak hated how pathetic it had all been. A lot of what he did revolved around Even and the fact that he wanted Even to love him. He’d spent a lot of time daydreaming about how they would finally make it official, planning their next sleepover to make it fun for Even. Hell, he’d spent more time than he wanted to admit cleaning for Even - and not just in a sexual way. He cleaned up his apartment. His clothes. His body. Obsessively brushed his teeth so he wouldn’t have bad breath. 

 

The more Isak thought about it, the more he realized what Even made him feel. He made Isak  _ insecure.  _

 

He thought Even knew him. He thought only Even could make him feel proud of himself, worthy. But the more time Isak spent with Daniel, the more he realized how untrue that actually was. He felt like he was more comfortable, more  _ himself  _ with Daniel than he’d ever been with Even. 

 

He worried so much less. He didn’t care if he wasn’t perfectly clean, if his house was slightly dirty. He didn’t mind that Daniel sometimes told him he had morning breath and they couldn’t fool around until he brushed his teeth. 

 

Things didn’t feel so life and death with Daniel. Things were relaxed.  _ Isak  _ was relaxed. And he certainly didn’t wait for Daniel to make all the moves. He found himself more and more initiating things, climbing on top of his boyfriend and seducing him. 

 

In essence, Daniel didn’t make Isak nervous because he knew exactly what Daniel felt for him. He wasn’t constantly wondering if Daniel wanted more with him because they were already at  _ more.  _ So, it might not have been Even’s fault that Isak felt so insecure, because he’d agreed to the arrangement. But after every day Isak spent with Daniel, he realized more and more how toxic their friends with benefits agreement had been - how badly it had been damaging Isak. 

 

And now, every time Isak saw Even, he was reminded of how unhealthy it had been. He couldn’t stop himself from getting upset, from finally seeing the flaws in his best friend - the person he’d been in love with for so long. He was finally feeling the emotions he probably should have long ago, like calling Even out on his bullshit. 

 

So yeah, okay. Isak could admit he’d lashed out and to someone else (like Sonja) it might have seemed like it came out of nowhere. After all, to an outside observer, bringing someone groceries was a  _ nice  _ thing to do. 

 

But it also represented everything Isak was finally recognizing. Even never  _ asked  _ him what he needed. He’d never listened to Isak when he’d said he didn’t need the food. And it was fucking infuriating. 

 

Isak was so sick of feeling like this. He was tired of loving Even, of Even taking care of him like he wasn’t able to do it himself. It wasn’t endearing. It wasn’t a sign Even loved him too. It was just...disrespectful. 

 

**

 

“I think you need to talk to Even.” Daniel said two nights later, sitting across from Isak at a kebab restaurant. He was eating his kebab while Isak poked at his salad, unable to stomach more than a few bites. 

 

“What?”

 

“You said you had a fight the day we were all supposed to meet at KB. Your eating has gotten worse since then.” Daniel said casually, drinking a large gulp of his juice. 

 

Isak frowned. Had it? Was that actually true?

 

“I don’t want to pry, Isak. Honestly. But I’ve noticed whenever you bring Even up, or whenever you’ve talked to him or seen him, you tend to...push your food away. Or start...drinking more coffee. It’s just a pattern I’ve recognized.” 

 

Isak sat back in his chair, wishing he could deny it. He wanted to be angry at Daniel for suggesting it. But as he thought long and hard about it, as he remembered that after Even told him about Sonja he’d been unable to eat properly for literal  _ weeks  _ \- he couldn’t help but crumble as the reality of the truth washed over him. 

 

“Fuck.” 

 

“I know you said he’s your best friend and there’s a lot of history between you…” Daniel began, reaching across the table and grasping Isak’s hand. “But maybe you need to talk to him about why you’re feeling this way when you’re with him. Why he makes you...not eat.” 

 

Isak clung back to Daniel’s hand probably a bit too tight, and wondered just how honest he was going to let himself be the next time he saw Even.

 

**

**3 days later**

 

**To: Even** (13:01)

 

Can we talk? 

I’m on campus until 15:00 but then I’ll be home

 

Yeah

 

I’d like that

 

Should I bring something?

 

Like what? 

 

Idk, whatever you might need?

 

I just want to talk to you

So bring yourself

 

Okay. see you then

 

**

 

“Mom is dying to see you.” Even said, sitting in Isak’s living room. Isak had made tea, which he never did, and was sitting across from Even on a chair that was too soft. He practically sank into the middle of it and kept spilling his tea when he reached to grab it. 

 

“How has she been?” 

 

“Fine. She has a new job now.” 

 

“That’s cool.” 

 

“Yeah.” Even was nervous. He was tapping his fingers on the couch, staring anywhere but at Isak’s face. And he was all sweaty despite the cold, December weather outside and Isak’s shitty excuse for heating in his badly insulated house. 

 

“Okay, look. I’m not trying to be awkward.” Isak sighed, standing up because the chair was fucking useless at being a chair. He walked over and sat next to Even, turning towards him. 

 

“This isn’t awkward. We just haven’t talked for four days and the last time I was here you were angry and Sonja was getting involved when she shouldn’t have and I…” Even was trying to be funny but Isak wasn’t in the mood for it. 

 

“I was in love with you.” 

 

Even stopped talking and leaned back as if someone had just pushed him. His eyes went wide and he finally looked at Isak, a stupidly surprised look on his face. 

 

_ “What?”  _


	8. Say It

Even said the word slowly, his voice breaking and high-pitched. 

 

“I lied to you that day when you asked me. I said I wasn’t in love with you but I was. And I had been for... _ fuck _ , a stupid amount of time.” Isak said, trying to swallow down how goddamn scared he was. He was trying to ignore that he was literally shaking. 

 

“Isak, I…” 

 

“Can you just listen to me, please? I need you to...listen.” Isak interrupted, leaning back as well. He couldn’t look at Even anymore. He couldn’t see his expressions because then he might change his mind. 

 

“I started feeling this way when I was fourteen. It came out of nowhere. It was like one day I woke up and saw you and...my heart was like, ‘oh yeah. You love him.’ And I couldn’t stop wanting you. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I could make you love me too.

 

But that was before I lost weight. You were running track and doing all these sports and I was your best friend who sat in a room during gym class because nobody would let the guy with a heart defect join in. It was fucking embarrassing. But then...when my heart freaked out and I had to lose weight, it felt like you finally saw me. You finally had the best friend you were supposed to have. Someone who... _ matched  _ you.” 

 

“I  _ did  _ see you, Isak, god…” 

 

“You said you wouldn’t talk. Please, Even? If I don’t say this now I probably never will.” 

 

Isak could see Even nod out of the corner of his eye. He took a deep breath and tried to think of what to say next. 

 

“Somehow being thin became about you in a way. I wanted to keep the weight off because I didn’t want to lose you. I wanted to be...to be...attractive to you on the off chance that you might want me. That you might wake up one day like I did and suddenly…” Isak cut himself off, shaking his head. 

 

Even attempted to hold his hand but Isak moved away. He couldn’t get lost in the sensation of Even’s soft skin, the way he held Isak. He couldn’t let himself fall down the rabbit hole again. 

 

“When we slept together that first night and...I felt how badly you wanted it, how badly you wanted  _ me _ , it sort of confirmed in my head that I had to keep being thin. I had to keep the weight off because you wouldn’t have wanted me if I went back to how I was. It was a never ending cycle of feeling like I had to be this person. And it was mostly for you.” 

 

Isak could tell Even was crying. But he kept going. 

 

“I’m not saying this was your fault. I’m not...angry at you, Even. I’m angry that I didn’t tell you sooner. I’m angry I spent all the years we slept together pining after you because...it fucked me up. I...made myself worse by being quiet and not telling you how much I was in love with you.

 

“Since you started dating Sonja, my life has completely changed. At first, I was fucking devastated and I won’t lie about that. I  _ was  _ sad. I  _ was  _ upset. You could see that. But then...when I got together with Daniel, I started realizing these things. I started seeing my behaviour and my eating patterns and how it all seems to come back to you. 

 

“I wasn’t eating very well after we stopped being together. It was worse when I saw you with Sonja. Being with Daniel helped that a little bit but I still had days when I wouldn’t eat the way I know I should. And it was actually Daniel who made me realize that those days were all days that I...had seen you. Or messaged you. Or argued with you. It’s like...you have become something that...triggers me.”

 

Even put his head in his hands and sobbed - just outright screamed into his fingers. The shrillness of the sound made Isak jump, made him lose his breath. 

 

The guilt found its way up from the pit of Isak’s stomach and started slashing his throat; started choking him. He hated seeing Even upset. He hated when Even cried. And Isak had seen Even cry lots of times throughout their friendship. 

 

But he’d never seen anything like this. 

 

“I’m...so...sorry.” Even managed to say, hugging himself and rocking back and forth. He wasn’t breathing evenly. He was choking a little on his tears and Isak couldn’t help but pull him against his chest. 

 

“It’s not your fault, Even. God. I just wanted to explain how I’ve felt. I wanted you to know why I’ve been so...different since you’ve gotten together with Sonja. I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Isak said, not able to pick a coherent thought and roll with it. There were too many things floating around inside his mind. “I’m sorry I’m a shit best friend.” 

 

“No,” Even said, his hands finding Isak’s face. He blinked back his tears and managed to look at Isak properly. “You’re not a shit best friend. You’re the best goddamn person, Isak.” 

 

“I’m not.” 

 

“You are.” 

 

“We could do this all night or you could just believe me. I’ve fucking ruined everything between us, Ev. You should hate me.” 

 

Even shook his head. “You should hate  _ me.  _ Because Isak...You were right when you said I didn’t ask what you needed. I ignored you when you told me that you didn’t need food. I...was thinking of myself. I wanted to make myself feel better, knowing that you had food and that you would eat.” 

 

Isak was confused that Even decided to bring up the groceries thing and not the ‘hey I was in love with you’ thing. But he put his thoughts together enough to say, “I know you wanted to help. But I need you to actually  _ listen _ to me and it feels like you haven’t for a long time.” 

 

“But Isak, I’m also fucking sorry because…” Even took a deep breath, pulling back slightly so he could look at Isak through his tear-swollen eyes. “I love you too. I have from the start.” 

 

**

 

_ 10 and 12 _

 

_ “Everyone is making fun of my hair.” Isak cried, huddled up under the covers. He refused to come downstairs to see Even after school that day so Even had barged his way into Isak’s room.  _

 

_ It was Friday after all.  _

 

_ “Well, forget them. I like your hair and that’s all that matters.”  _

 

_ “It’s not enough to have one person like it. Everyone else thinks I’m a girl.” Isak sniffled, finally popping his head up. “I still don’t want to see you. But I need to breathe.”  _

 

_ Even sighed before he jumped on top of Isak and tackled him off the bed and to the floor. Isak squealed in surprise and then shrieked as Even tickled his sides.  _

 

_ “Even, stop!”  _

 

_ “Not until you say that your hair is fine the way it is!”  _

 

_ “My hair sucks. I’m cutting it tomorrow!”  _

 

_ “You asked for it then!” Even began to tickle Isak more, going in for the kill. Isak was particularly sensitive on the back of his thighs and that’s exactly where Even headed.  _

 

_ “No! Oh my god, Even, stop!”  _

 

_ “Say it and I will!”  _

 

_ “No. I’ll still hate it even if I say it!”  _

 

_ “Say until you mean it, then.”  _

 

_ “That’s not how this works!”  _

 

_ The boys were so distracted by their tickle fight that they didn’t hear the door open. They also didn’t hear the footsteps coming towards them. They had no clue anyone was near them until Even was being ripped off of Isak by the back of his shirt.  _

 

_ “Get your hands off my son.” Marianne cried, pushing Even harshly into the hallway. Even was too shocked to react, trying to desperately find his footing.  _

 

_ “Mamma, no. We were just pretending. Even didn’t…”  _

 

_ “Get out of my house right now. You’re not good for him. You’re just going to hurt him more!” Marianne shouted, ignoring her son and instead walking closely behind Even as he made his way to the front door.  _

 

_ “Stop it!” Isak begged, grabbing his mother’s arm and tugging. Eventually she turned to look at him, a confused and scared expression on her face.  _

 

_ “Even is my friend, Mamma. You know this. He lives down the street. He’s my  _ best friend.  _ Remember?” Isak said, making his voice calm.  _

 

_ He took his mother’s hand and rubbed her palm, something that helped bring her out of whatever scary thing her mind was telling her to believe. It brought her back to reality.  _

 

_ “Even.” Marianne said, turning back to look at the boy in the doorway that now had tears in his eyes. “Oh, Even.”  _

 

_ She walked over and wrapped her arms around his skinny frame, kissing the top of his head. Marianne had always loved Even, treated him as if he was were second son. Isak walked over to them, scared of how terrified Even still looked.  _

 

_ “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t...I couldn’t tell what was…”  _

 

_ “It’s okay.” Even said, returning the hug even though Isak could see his hands were shaking. “Everything is okay.”  _

 

_ Terje took Marianne to lie down as Isak got them glasses of juice. They sat on the big couch, legs together and Isak waited for Even to say something.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry.”  _

 

_ Isak shook his head, nearly spilling his juice. “It wasn’t your fault.”  _

 

_ “You told me she was being weird lately but I didn’t think she would ever think I’d hurt you. I wouldn’t ever do that, Issy.”  _

 

_ “I know. I  _ know.”  _ Isak said, waiting until they both put their glasses down before diving into Even’s chest; hugging him tightly.  _

 

_ “I love you.”  _

 

_ “Even, we’re too old for that now.” Isak protested, but he secretly liked it when Even said it. It always made him feel warm.   _

 

_ “No, we’re not. Isak, stop caring so much about dumb stuff like that. Your hair is fine and you’re my best friend and I love you. Deal with it.”  _

 

_ ** _

 

It was Isak’s turn to sob now. 

 

He let out a sound that was full of hurt; a whimper-like groan as if he’d been sucker punched - his eyes immediately blurring over with tears. He stood up quickly, not even realizing he was about to do it, and put as much distance between him and Even as possible. 

 

“What? You... _ what?”  _

 

“I love you.” Even whispered. “I’ve been in love with you since before we started sleeping together. A few months before that. It was just like you said. It’s like I woke up one day and...I just knew how I felt about you.” 

 

“Don’t mess with me, Even!” 

 

“I’m not, Isak. I’m telling you the truth.” 

 

“Fuck!” Isak yelled, kicking the table. 

 

He knocked over their mugs of tea, breaking the porcelain cups and splashing brown liquid all over his floor. He didn’t care. He couldn’t care about anything except the fact that Even was admitting to the one thing Isak had been dying to hear for years. 

 

He actually  _ loved  _ him. He was in love with Isak. 

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. If I had...maybe you wouldn’t...maybe this whole thing would…” Even tried, wringing his hands together in frustration. “Jesus. I can’t  _ think.”  _

 

Isak also couldn’t think. He couldn’t sift through his thoughts. He couldn’t understand why he was so angry right now. Was he mad at Even? Himself? Neither? Both? Why did he want to break things? 

 

“Why did you say we should be friends with benefits? It was your fucking idea.” Isak asked. “It started all this.” 

 

Even shrugged helplessly. “Because the idea of telling you I loved you was too fucking scary. What if you had said you didn’t feel the same? What if you hated me?” 

 

“I wouldn’t have hated you. I would have been the happiest person alive.” 

 

“Me too. If you had told me at  _ any _ point over the past three years that you loved me, I would have probably died of happiness.” Even said softly, standing up and coming towards Isak slowly. 

 

“Even…” Isak warned, backing up until he was against the wall. Even kept coming closer and Isak knew he could move. It would be easy. But he also didn’t want to. 

 

And then he didn’t have to debate it anymore because Even was right in front of him, hands on Isak’s face. He didn’t move in to kiss him or do anything else. He just stood there looking at Isak and stroking his cheeks with his thumbs, an unreadable expression in his eyes. 

 

“We’re both so stupid.” Even whispered, shaking his head. “Why didn’t we see this?” 

 

Isak didn’t know. He reached up and gripped Even’s wrists tightly, savouring the last few seconds of touch before he pulled them down and away from him. 

 

“Isak?” 

 

“We can’t do this.” 

 

“I’m not trying to do anything.” 

 

“Please? I think maybe you should go.” 

 

Even stepped back a little bit, a frown on his face. Isak swallowed down more guilt, more doubts. He still needed to stick to the plan he’d made. The fact that Even was in love with him couldn’t get in the way of that. 

 

“I’m going back to counseling. I’m seeing the original doctor from my outpatient program. I think it’s good to talk about strategies for handling my eating. I want...to be better.” Isak explained, walking over to clean up the tea and broken cup. 

 

“Okay. That’s a good idea, Isak, but...why does that mean I have to go? Can’t we talk about this?” 

 

Isak picked up the pieces of the cup and went into the kitchen to grab some paper towels. He was about to turn and go right back to mopping up the tea but Even blocked his way. 

 

“Talk to me, Isak. You want me to listen to you? Well, here I am. Listening. What’s going on?” Even asked, his bottom lip quivering. Isak saw for the first time the dark purple bags under his eyes, how his skin was blotchy and red. His hair wasn’t done the way he normally styled it. 

 

Even looked as exhausted as Isak felt. 

 

“I think we shouldn’t see each other for a while. I need to get my shit together without you. I need to figure out how to be my own person. How to manage my eating. I told you that so much of it has become about you and I don’t think I can get past that if I constantly see you.” 

 

Even stayed quiet for a long few seconds, just breathing. His eyes gravitated towards the floor. 

 

“If that’s what you want.” 

 

Isak nodded. 

 

“Can I just ask something?” Even said, standing aside so that Isak could go past him if he wanted. But Isak stayed still, gripping the paper towels in his hand. 

 

“Do you still love me?”

 

**

 

_ 6 and 8 _

 

_ Even was fighting with one of his friends who was in his grade. He’d told Isak how the other boy sometimes pushed Even when teachers weren’t looking. Then he’d act all sweet like nothing happened. It was bothering Even because he thought it was mean. And because it was bothering Even, it also bothered Isak.  _

 

_ Every Friday Jenny brought Even over so the boys could have dinner and watch a movie. Usually, Even came over happy and excited to see Isak since they didn’t see each other a lot at school due to being in different years. Fridays were their night.  _

 

_ But that particular Friday, Even came over to Isak’s house crying. Jenny sat in the kitchen as Terje gave him a popsicle and tried to ask what was wrong but Even just shook his head and said he didn’t want to talk about it.  _

 

_ “Can me and Isak go play?”  _

 

_ “Sure. Dinner will be ready soon.” Isak’s father smiled, leaning in towards his son. “Cheer Even up, Issy. You can always make him smile.”  _

 

_ “Okay.” Isak said, taking Even’s hand and leading him into his room where there was mountains of Lego to build.  _

 

_ Fifteen minutes later, Even had stopped crying and they were working on constructing some kind of fortress to keep the bad guys out. Isak threw a piece at Even’s chest and it bounced off, making them both laugh.  _

 

_ “Why were you sad?”  _

 

_ “George was being rude to me again. He pushed me into the mud and it hurt my elbow.” Even admitted, shrugging like it didn’t matter but Isak could always tell when Even was really hurting inside.  _

 

_ So he did what he always did when his friend was sad. He got up and dove towards Even, wrapping him in a hug. Even nearly toppled backwards but he caught himself just in time.  _

 

_ “George is dumb.” Isak said, leaning back and booping Even on the nose. “He’s a bully.”  _

 

_ “You’re right.”  _

 

_ “He can’t be your friend because he’s mean and because I’m already your best friend. So we don’t need him.” Isak announced, proud of himself.  _

 

_ “You’re so weird.” Even chuckled, hugging Isak again because he was warm and soft and made him feel better.  _

 

_ “You’re weirder.”  _

 

_ Later on when they were snuggled up in their sleeping bags and watching a movie, Even turned towards Isak and reached for his hand.  _

 

_ “Why are you holding my hand? We’re not crossing the street.” Isak asked, eyes still on the screen.  _

 

_ “I just wanted to.”  _

 

_ “Hey, Even?”  _

 

_ “Hmm?”  _

 

_ “I love you. You’re a good friend.”  _

 

_ “You’re a good friend too, Isak.”  _

 

_ “You also love me right?”  _

 

_ Even frowned, prying his eyes away from their Disney movie. “Yeah I do. Didn’t I say that already?”  _

 

_ “No, you forgot to say it. Say it now.”  _

 

_ Even laughed at how demanding Isak was before gripping tighter onto his hand and whispering, “Of course I love you, Isak. I always will.”  _

 

_ ** _

 

“Earlier you said that you  _ were _ in love with me. Past tense. I just wanted to know if you meant it that way, or if…” 

 

“Even, what does it matter?” Isak interrupted, suddenly irritated again. “It doesn’t mean anything now.” 

 

Even’s eyes were full of tears again and Isak was suddenly so tired of seeing him cry. He was tired of crying too. He wanted to be alone. He wanted this done and over with. And maybe that was harsh. Maybe he was being selfish. But his brain couldn’t handle anymore. 

 

“Of course it matters, Isak. I need to know.” 

 

“I need you to  _ leave,  _ Even. Haven’t I said that already?” Isak finally walked past him and headed to the mess on his floor. 

 

“How am I supposed to leave when I know this now? We have to talk about it, Isak. I need to know how you feel.” Even pleaded, kneeling down on the ground next to Isak as he began scrubbing the floor. 

 

“You know how I feel.” 

 

“I really, really  _ don’t _ .” 

 

Isak stopped scrubbing. He turned to face Even who was looking like Isak held the fate of his existence in his hands and it wasn’t fucking  _ fair.  _

 

“I’m a fucking  _ mess,  _ Even. That’s how I feel! I feel badly for not telling you how much I loved you because it made everything in my life worse! It made my eating disorder worse. And we could have maybe been happy together if one of us had said something. I’m mad that neither of us did anything about our feelings because we were scared. I’m terrified that we’ll never be able to repair our friendship. I feel like all the years we spent being each others’ best friend is  _ ruined  _ because we kept sleeping together. I’m angry and I’m tired and I can’t look at you anymore! Haven’t you been listening?” 

 

Isak’s chest was pumping up and down incredibly fast because of how hard he was breathing; his head spinning and his hands shaking. He felt ill. 

 

“And now there’s Sonja. And Daniel - this wonderful man who cares about me and  _ sees  _ me and has made everything so fucking easy. There are more people involved than just you and me, Even. I don’t have any answers. There isn’t an easy solution.” 

 

“I don’t want you to answer everything or  _ solve  _ everything. I just want to know if you’re still in love with me.” Even stated, bringing his fist down hard on the table - the sound echoing in Isak’s ears. 

 

“Fucking hell, I don’t know! I don’t know!” 

 

“It’s either yes or no.” 

 

“Not everything is that simple.” 

 

“It is to me.” 

 

“Fine!” 

 

Isak’s blood was boiling. His eyes were wet. His heart was breaking. His head was spinning. 

 

He hated that Even  _ still _ wasn’t listening. 

 

Isak shook his head, picked up the paper towels and looked his friend right in the eyes. 

 

“No, Even. I’m not in love with you anymore.” 

 

**

 

**Daniel** (20:47)

 

How did it go tonight? 

 

Can you come over? 

I want to see you

 

Okay

Are you all right?

 

I made us dinner :)

 

**

 

“It’s kind of late for dinner, but this smells amazing.” Daniel said, toeing off his shoes and following Isak into the kitchen. 

 

“I googled the recipe. I’m starving.” Isak said, leaning over to kiss Daniel quickly before grabbing two plates. “Will you still eat some? I know it’s late. Sorry.” 

 

“I’m not passing this up. Gimme.” He winked. 

 

They sat together at the kitchen table, Daniel digging into the food right away. Isak took a hesitant bite, relishing how much the other boy seemed to like his cooking, and chewed as slowly as possible. 

 

He could do this. He could eat after seeing Even. Now that he knew he’d fallen into the pattern of not eating after being with Even, he was determined to break it. Might as well start now. Might as well do that with his  _ boyfriend.  _ Someone who definitely liked Isak and had made that known from the start. Someone who Isak could start fresh with. 

 

Someone who  _ listened.  _

 

Fuck. He needed to stop comparing them, even for the good parts. 

 

“Isak. You’re shaking.” Daniel said softly, looking at Isak with concern. Isak looked down at his hand that held his fork and saw how unsteady it was as he attempted to take another bite. 

 

“I’m fine. Really.” 

 

“Can you talk to me? Tell me what’s wrong.” 

 

“I just want to have some dinner with you. That’s all.” Isak said truthfully. He didn’t want his mind to be the mess it currently was. He wanted to focus on something that should have been normal, like having dinner with his boyfriend. 

 

Why couldn’t he have that? 

 

“Something happened with Even, didn’t it?” 

 

Isak put his fork down and finally made himself look at Daniel. He was wearing a blue sweater with green stripes. His chocolate brown curls were soft from the shower and Isak knew he’d showered before coming over because he smelled like his minty body wash. He smelled and looked so inviting. And he was always so attentive. So kind and thoughtful. 

 

Isak wanted to keep the safety net he’d found with Daniel up around him forever. But he also couldn’t keep lying to him. 

 

“I need to tell you something.” 


	9. Toxic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Even POV*

_ “No, Even. I’m not in love with you anymore.”  _

 

The words played over and over again in his head as he walked out of Isak’s apartment, not saying goodbye or waiting for Isak to say something else. He figured they’d both said enough. And he didn’t think he could handle much more anyway. 

 

The wind was cold against his face as he walked past the tram stop. He couldn’t sit still. He needed to walk. He didn’t care where he ended up. He just needed to keep moving. 

 

At first he put his headphones in and tried to blast the thoughts spiraling in his head away with music. But that didn’t work. He tried listening to a podcast but he couldn’t follow it. The man’s voice was nasally and annoying and it made Even give up entirely on listening to something. 

 

He thought he would head home. It was probably best. He had tons of homework to finish, projects that were due soon and required his attention. But picturing the silence of his room made his chest tight. 

 

He needed to  _ do  _ something. 

 

“Mikael?” He held the phone against his ear, sheltered in between buildings to escape the cold that was now freezing him to the bone. He’d been stupid and left his jacket at Isak’s. 

 

“Hey, what’s up? I thought you were with Isak.” 

 

“Can we go do something?” 

 

Mikael let out a confused laugh. “Um sure, like what?” 

 

“Anything. I don’t care.” 

 

There was some rustling on the other end of the line and then someone else was greeting Even cheerfully. Yousef. 

 

“You all good, Ev?” He asked and Even shivered, teeth chattering loudly enough that Yousef could hear it on his end of the line. 

 

“Not really.” 

 

“Where are you? Need us to come get you?” Yousef asked, all trace of teasing gone. Even was suddenly really grateful for his roommates. 

 

“Can we just meet somewhere? And if you could bring me a spare coat I will love you forever.” 

 

“You don’t have a coat?!” Yousef exclaimed but then there was more shuffling and it was Mikael who came back on. 

 

“Meet us at the university. Near the hill.” 

 

**

 

Even was huddled in the middle of the university field on the south side of the property, arms wrapped around himself and feeling numb all over. There were no buildings to protect him from the howling wind, just the hill behind him that Mikael had been referring to. Why the hell they wanted to meet him here he had no idea but he was about to run home because holy  _ shit  _ he was cold. 

 

At least he wasn’t thinking about Isak. His brain was too frozen. 

 

But then he saw them running towards him, waving and shouting. And as soon as Mikael reached him, he threw him his other winter coat as well as a hat, gloves and a scarf. 

 

“Where is your coat? Did you get mugged?” Mikael scolded, eyebrows raised like he was Even’s mother waiting for an answer to why Even had been naughty. The thought made him laugh out loud. 

 

“This isn’t funny, dude. We  _ ran  _ here because we didn’t want you to freeze to death.” 

 

“You should have told me to meet you in a Starbucks, then. Not the middle of a frozen field!” Even teased, sighing in relief as he finally began to warm up. “Why are we here anyway?” 

 

Yousef motioned behind him and Even’s eyes widened as he saw that his friend was holding a string that had a sled on the end of it. Yousef smiled mischievously. 

 

“We’re sledding down that hill.” 

 

Even’s first thought was ‘hell no’ because the hill in question was seriously tall. And probably covered in ice. But he had seen students sledding down it since the snow had come nearly two months ago, and they always seemed like they were having fun. Even hadn’t been sledding since he was a kid. 

 

“You up for it?” Mikael asked, sliding his arm across Even’s shoulders. 

 

“Do I have a choice?” 

 

Yousef and Mikael looked at each other for a brief second before shaking their heads and smirking. “Nope. Let’s go.” 

 

**

 

An hour later, Even’s face was bright red from exertion. He was laughing hard as he, Mikael and Yousef sat on top of each other in the snow at the bottom of the hill after trying to all fit on the sled together and flipping over halfway down. They were also covered in snow. 

 

“Well that was the stupidest idea ever.” Yousef said when he stopped laughing. “We’re lucky we didn’t break our legs.” 

 

“I can’t  _ feel  _ my legs anymore if it makes you feel better.” Mikael groaned, standing up and running his hands over his jean-clad thighs in an attempt to warm them up. “I think it’s time to go.” 

 

“Hot chocolate?” Even asked, grabbing the sled as they began to walk away from the hill. “That’s what Isak and I always did after sledding as kids. It’s not a proper sledding experience without hot chocolate.” 

 

And just like that, everything crumbled around him. The laughter died in his throat. His enthusiasm disappeared. It felt like he’d instantly gone into a depressive state after one of his episodes. 

 

_ Fuck.  _

 

Not thinking about Isak lasted all of an hour. And now that he’d said it, mentioned something about Isak, he was taken right back to Isak’s living room; his best friend’s face twisted in anger and disgust as he’d spat those words at Even. 

 

_ I don’t love you.  _

 

_ You’re what triggers me.  _

 

Even stopped walking and let out a muffled cry. Mikael and Yousef stopped immediately and both reached for Even, asking what was wrong and if he was actually hurt after they’d practically rolled down the hill. 

 

“I’m okay,” Even whispered and he didn’t know if his friends could hear him because the wind was so loud.  _ Physically I’m okay. But my heart is shattered.  _

 

“What is it? Even, talk to us.” Mikael said, gripping Even’s bicep. He was keeping Even upright if he was being honest. His legs felt like they could give out any second as he mind spiralled. 

 

“Can we get somewhere warm first? The science building is a two minute walk. Can you make it that far?” Yousef asked, standing on Even’s other side with his hand on his back. 

 

“Yeah, okay.” 

 

He managed to make his legs work long enough to get them all inside, the heat of the building rushing around him as they opened the doors. It was nice to be out of the cold but the immediate relief of getting warm didn’t last. As soon as they sat down in some chairs near the lobby, coats off in the quiet room, Even began to cry. 

 

Mikael put his arm around Even’s shoulders again, this time squeezing tightly as he waited for Even to speak. 

 

“Take your time.” Yousef said, sitting across from Even. 

 

“It’s Isak,” Even managed to whisper. “I fucked everything up.”

 

**

 

Even sat with his roommates for nearly half an hour, explaining everything to them. The friends with benefits arrangement, how it affected Isak’s eating, bringing him groceries, Sonja and Daniel, and the very last conversation he’d had with Isak hours ago. Mikael and Yousef sat and listened, neither of them speaking except to ask a few questions to get more detail. 

 

“So basically, I’ve ruined any chance I had with him. He  _ hates  _ me. He doesn’t love me anymore and I...I hate myself. I’m toxic. Like a parasite.” Even said, leaning back in his chair and wiping the last of his tears off his face. He felt like he’d cried out an entire ocean during their conversation. Mikael had gotten up at one point to grab tissues for him. 

 

“Anything else?” Yousef asked, his voice weirdly calm. Even looked at him and frowned, feeling confused. 

 

“No? I guess that’s everything...” 

 

“Okay. Well first off, you’re not fucking  _ toxic  _ so get that thought out of your head right the hell now. Nobody thinks that. We don’t. Your family doesn’t. And Isak sure as hell doesn’t either.” 

 

Mikael’s eyes went as wide as Even’s. Yousef never really talked so forcefully about something. 

 

“It seems like you both made a lot of mistakes, Ev. You were both scared. You both didn’t say anything and yes, that lead to problems. It’s lead to this confused fuckery. But it doesn’t mean it’s all your fault.” Yousef continued, reaching over and taking Even’s hands between his own. 

 

“Did you not hear me?” Even scoffed, looking to Mikael to help him out. “Have you not listened to all the stupid things I’ve done? How is this  _ not  _ my fault?” 

 

“I heard you. I’ve definitely been listening.” 

 

“Okay?” Even frowned, shaking his head. “Then  _ clearly…”  _

 

“Clearly you’re doing what you always do which is take all the blame for something and not consider your own damn feelings within all of this.” Yousef interrupted, reaching up and tapping Even on his forehead. “Your dumb brain does this all the time.” 

 

“It’s true.” Mikael chimed in, nodding. “You don’t give yourself enough credit, Ev.” 

 

Even sighed loudly, frustrated with his friends. “I don’t need you guys to reassure me that I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m explaining what’s happened and I’m calling myself out on my bullshit. Just because you’re closer to me as a friend doesn’t mean you have to take my  _ side…”  _

 

“I call you out on your bullshit all the time.” Yousef quipped, quirking an eyebrow. 

 

“There aren’t sides here, Even.” Mikael said, ignoring Yousef’s comment. “It seems like you and Isak are on the same side. And that’s the side of being morons.” 

 

Even continued to frown, feeling like they were having a different conversation than him. 

 

“Hear me out.” Mikael nodded, leaning against Even’s side. “You both started this arrangement thinking the other person wasn’t feeling the same way. But it turns out you both did. And it sucks because you spent all this time pining after each other like lovestruck fools.” 

 

“Lovestruck fools.” Yousef echoed, clutching his chest like someone had just stabbed him. Even rolled his eyes. 

 

“It makes sense that you thought Isak didn’t love you too. It makes sense you wanted to try it out with someone else. Sonja is a nice girl and as much as you think you’re somehow using her, I don’t agree. I think you genuinely wanted to try and get over Isak by being with her. It’s not your fault that you’re so enthralled by Isak.” 

 

“Enthralled. Good word.” Yousef said, fist bumping Mikael. 

 

“Okay, stop repeating him you idiot.” Even interrupted, pushing Yousef back into his seat. 

 

“Anyways! Geeze, let me finish my thought. I’ve got more.” Mikael whined, looping his arm through Even’s and squeezing hard enough to pinch Even’s elbow. 

 

“Now, Isak thinking your friendship is ruined also makes sense. I think it comes from how you two suddenly didn’t sleep together anymore. You realized how much time you spent screwing and suddenly not doing that made things weird. A lot changed. You found out a lot about each other’s feelings. You’ve realized that some parts of what you had between you aren’t good. Like you bringing Isak groceries. Not something that works for him, and  _ yes  _ he expressed that to you in the past and  _ yes  _ you should have listened, but that’s something to work on going forward.” 

 

“There  _ isn’t  _ any going forward, Mikael. Don’t you get that?” 

 

“Hang the fuck on, bro.” Mikael said sternly, once again squeezing Even’s arm that was now numb. 

 

“Ouch!” 

 

“Shut up and deal with it!” 

 

Yousef just laughed, smiling brightly at both of them. 

 

“Okay. Isak said he wants to work on himself right? He wants to figure out how to not be triggered by you, and I could see that’s something that really upset you. But Even, listen to me.” 

 

Mikael stopped squeezing his arm, stopped trying to be funny to make Even feel better, and looked at him genuinely. 

 

“ _ Isak _ said that it’s not your fault. It wasn’t something you did that made him associate his weight with you. Buying him groceries didn’t make this your fault. Not telling him you loved him and it making his eating disorder worse isn’t  _ your  _ fault. It’s something that you both made happen but it isn’t either of your faults, don’t you see that? You were both scared of losing the other person. It makes sense that you both said nothing.” Mikael said softly, wiping away the tears that had fallen down Even’s cheeks again. 

 

Turns out he wasn’t actually done crying. 

 

“And when you left tonight you told us that he said he doesn’t love you anymore. But Even...you kind of backed him into a corner. You were both upset. Isak finally admitted his feelings to you, and then you admitted your feelings too. There were a lot of emotions flying. He wanted some space but it seems like you were kind of acting like you wanted to figure out how to be together and it’s not what he wants right now. It doesn’t mean he won’t  _ ever  _ want it, but right now he can’t do that. He needs to figure himself out. And if he does manage to find a way to  _ not  _ be triggered by you, then being together becomes that much easier.” 

 

_ Not everything is that simple.  _

 

That’s also something Isak said. He had been pleading with Even to leave, to not ask him for answers he didn’t have. But Even had persisted. Mikael was right. 

 

He  _ had  _ backed Isak into a corner. 

 

“So, give Isak some time. Give  _ yourself  _ time to figure out what you want, too. And for fuck’s sake, Even, forgive yourself for the shit that you could have done better and give yourself credit for what you did right.” 

 

“Okay.” Even nodded, reaching for Mikael and then hugging him tight. Yousef practically jumped on top of him to join in, sending all three of them into fits of laughter. 

 

“Mikael, I figured out what profession you should look into.” Yousef smiled. 

 

**

 

When they got back to their apartment, Even felt exhausted. Yousef ended up making them hot chocolate as Mikael picked a film to watch, Even putting their wet clothes into the dryer. 

 

As he went into his room to change into warm sweats, he realized he hadn’t checked his phone since he’d called Mikael. He turned it on and saw he’d missed a call from Sonja and had a few messages from his parents. 

 

He decided to call Sonja back because he didn’t want to be that boyfriend who ignored his girlfriend and hung out with his friends instead. He might as well invite her over too. 

 

“Even, hey.” She answered, her tone light and bubbly. 

 

“Hey. How’s your day been?” 

 

“Fine. I actually need to talk to you about something, though.” 

 

“Okay. Want to come over? We’re going to watch a film.” Even said, walking back into the living room and mumbling a ‘thank you’ to Yousef who handed him a mug of hot chocolate. 

 

“Yeah. Give me twenty minutes?” 

 

Mikael pressed play for the film to begin, handing Even a fuzzy blanket for them to share as they started to cuddle close on the couch. 

 

“Sounds good.” 

 

**

 

Even was asleep when the doorbell rang. The shrillness of the noise and the way Mikael also jumped made him bolt up. He’d been slumped over the arm of the couch.

 

“I can get it.” Mikael offered. “I want to get a drink anyway.” 

 

“Nah. I have to be a gentleman.” Even winked, throwing the blanket off of his lap and standing up. He put his arms behind his head and stretched, trying to wake himself up. 

 

He headed to the door, trying to muster up the enthusiasm he wanted to give to Sonja. He tried to be excited to see her. He tried to pretend he didn’t want to just go to his bed and sleep. 

 

He opened the door, a smile on his face, ready to give her a hug like he always did in greeting. 

 

But it wasn’t Sonja on the other side. 

 

“Hey, Ev.” Isak said, licking his lips nervously. 

 

_ Fuck.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Thanks again for reading and showing this story so much love <3 
> 
> I had a few people comment on how Even is portrayed as toxic in this story. That was honestly not my intention. I love Even as a character on the show and many of his good qualities are something I wanted to carry into this fic. There are a lot of themes happening in this story, as I try to incorporate in all my works, and a lot of the material is heavy. Isak's eating disorder is a hard subject to cover. Him being triggered by Even wasn't meant to be a statement on Even but rather how much Isak's eating related to being thin for Even. And if they're going to be together, that's something that needs to change. Isak calling Even out about the groceries is what was definitely wrong on Even's part, but seeing Isak nearly die due to bad eating habits and his heart isn't something that's easy to ignore for Even either. 
> 
> This is what I mean by the material is heavy, the characters are complex, and it's so much more than one character being 'toxic.' I think it's about certain behaviours, certain inabilities to listen being toxic. And about how these boys need to recognize that and actually communicate. 
> 
> Okay. Just wanted to throw that out there. As always, I appreciate any and all feedback. It's always nice to hear people's opinions and points of view. 
> 
> Oh, and also! I know it might seem like Mikael just 'fixed' everything, but he definitely hasn't. He just put stuff into perspective for Even, which I think he desperately needed. Even was feeling like everything was his fault and couldn't talk himself out of that. 
> 
> <3


	10. Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Isak POV*

“Can I come in?” Isak asked, trying to steady his breathing. He’d sprinted all the way to Even’s apartment in the cold air. He was surprised his lungs weren’t on the floor. 

 

Even was staring at him with wide, startled eyes as he held onto the door. When he’d first opened it, he’d looked like he was expecting someone else entirely. His expression had changed in a second. 

 

“Um... _ Yes _ . Yeah. Come in.” Even stumbled to say, moving aside so that Isak could walk through. 

 

Isak could hear the sounds of a film playing, along with Mikael and Yousef laughing about something in their shared living room. He looked around at Even, hoping that he understood whatever Isak had come to see him about needed to be discussed in private. 

 

Even closed the door and motioned for them to go into his bedroom. They walked there quickly and before Isak knew if he was ready or not, they were alone together in the quiet of Even’s bedroom. 

 

Isak didn’t know what to do with himself. He was always at ease in Even’s room, in his house. He didn’t know whether to sit or stand, look at Even or avoid his eyes completely. 

 

He ended up standing in the middle of the room while Even stood with his back against the closed door, hands together awkwardly in front of his stomach. 

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was coming but I didn’t think you’d want to see me.” Isak said quietly, chancing a look at Even who was staring at him blankly. 

 

“I always want to see you, Isak.” 

 

The words were so soft Isak almost didn’t hear them. 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Okay.” Isak nodded, trying to smile. He wanted to break some of the unbearable tension sitting in the air between them but he knew that wouldn’t be possible yet. There was too much left to say.

 

“Why are you here, Issy?” Even asked, moving away from the door and coming a little closer. Isak didn’t move away. If anything, he felt himself drifting towards his friend as well. 

 

“I…” 

 

“Because I thought you didn’t want to see me anymore.” 

 

Isak swallowed thickly. “I know I said that.” 

 

“You said you needed space from me.” Even continued, inching closer still. The way he was looking at Isak made Isak’s head swim; his knees shaking and his heart pounding from nerves. 

 

“I still think it would be good to spend some time apart…”

 

“You said you’re not in love with me anymore.” 

 

They were nearly touching now. Isak could feel the warmth of Even’s breath on his chest and if Even breathed in deeply, their chests would brush as well. Even stopped in front of him, a look of sadness all over his features. But also a flash of hope in his eyes. 

 

“I  _ know.”  _ Isak whispered, wanting to look down and away but finding himself unable to. 

 

The words he had come to say we’re right there in his mouth, desperately wanting to tumble out. He wanted to be rid of them. And when Even brought his hand up and gently stroked the side of Isak’s jaw, he couldn’t hold them in for one more second even if someone had a gun to his head. 

 

“I lied, Even. I still love you. I’m still so fucking in love with you that...I can’t even put it into words.” 

 

**

**One hour earlier**

 

“Tell me what?” Daniel asked, putting his hand on top of Isak’s to comfort him. Isak interlaced their fingers, suddenly feeling ill from the smell of the food. 

 

“It’s so fucking complicated.” 

 

Daniel smiled kindly. “I can handle complicated.” 

 

_ Of course you can. Because you’re the perfect guy. And someone I should be with. Someone who could make me happy.  _

 

_ Someone who  _ does  _ make me happy.  _

 

“What happened with Even tonight?” Daniel prompted, probably realizing the hesitation in Isak’s eyes. “I’m not going to judge you, Isak. Unless...you slept with him?” 

 

Isak’s mouth dropped open and he quickly shook his head. “No.  _ No.  _ I wouldn’t do that, Daniel.” 

 

“I didn’t think you would, but I was just saying. That’s the only thing I’d judge you about.” Daniel said, smiling and motioning for Isak to explain what actually happened. 

 

“We had a fight. About our...friendship.” 

 

“Okay.” 

 

Isak sighed, hating how nervous he was. He didn’t want to have to explain this; to admit to his own stupid feelings. He hated that he was doing this to Daniel but he couldn’t keep going without telling him the truth. It felt mean. 

 

“The truth is...we  _ used  _ to sleep together. For a really long time. But we didn’t date. It was a sort of friends with benefits situation.” 

 

If Daniel was upset, he was a master at not showing it. He just continued to squeeze Isak’s hand, nodding gently so Isak knew he was still listening. 

 

“We ended it a few months ago. When Even started dating Sonja.” 

 

“And how did you feel when you stopped?” 

 

Isak bit his bottom lip and closed his eyes. “I was upset about it. I always thought that we might end up together someday. Properly date and stuff.” 

 

“So, you were in love with him?” Daniel asked, his tone shifting a little. He sounded more hurt, more on guard than before. Isak looked up at him and saw that his mouth was set in a thin line. 

 

“Yeah. I was.” 

 

“Right.” Daniel stated awkwardly, bringing his hand away from Isak.

 

“I tried to fall out of love with him because it felt stupid to keep these feelings alive when he clearly wanted someone else. But today, when he was over, he told me that he’s in love me. And has been for a long time. It turns out we were both dumb and didn’t tell each other because we thought the other person didn’t feel the same.” Isak’s cheeks were burning and he could see Daniel scoff a little, holding his face steady so he wouldn’t roll his eyes. 

 

“I thought I had gotten over him. I  _ really  _ did, but…”

 

“You’re still in love with him. Okay, cool.” Daniel interrupted, suddenly standing up and bringing his plate over to the sink. He practically threw it in and then walked towards the front door. 

 

Isak nearly fell on his face as he went after him.  

 

“Daniel, wait. I’m really, really sorry. I…” 

 

“Isak, I’m not mad at you. I’m sorry for seeming that way.” Daniel interrupted again, standing up properly from where he’d been putting on his shoes. He put his hands on either side of Isak’s waist and Isak brought him into a hug. He held on too tight. “I’m mad at the situation.” 

 

“I’m not going to start dating Even. Please know that. There’s too much I need to figure out for  _ myself,  _ and that’s why I don’t think I should be with anyone right now. I’m so fucking sorry.” Isak rambled, surprised by the tears that were now falling down his face. 

 

He’d come to really care about Daniel and the idea of not seeing him every day was making his chest tight. 

 

“But when you’ve sorted out your own shit, you’ll get together with him?” Daniel asked, and it was then Isak realized his boyfriend wasn’t returning the hug. His hands were still sitting limply on Isak’s sides. 

 

Isak pulled back, wiped the tears away and looked at him. 

 

“I don’t know.” He whispered honestly. 

 

“I get that you’ve known him a long time and there’s obviously a lot of feelings between you. I don’t want to stand in the way. But I like you a lot, Isak. You’re fucking great and I just hope that if you choose Even, he’s good for you. He doesn’t unintentionally keep hurting you. That he supports you rather than brings you down.” Daniel said slowly, tilting his head forward and placing a light kiss on Isak’s lips. 

 

Isak didn’t know what to say. He knew what Daniel meant. He knew Even needed to learn how to listen to him. He knew that he needed to be better at telling Even what he wanted and needed. Isak had so much to work on before they could be right for each other. 

 

He also wanted to say something to Daniel to make him feel less shitty right now. He wanted to soothe some of the pain that he’d caused. But he knew he couldn’t. 

 

“You have my number.” Daniel said, opening the door. “I’ll see you around, Isak.” 

 

“Bye, Daniel.” 

 

Isak waited about ten minutes before he grabbed his coat, put on his running shoes, and sprinted to Even’s apartment. 

 

**

 

**Now**

 

Even had the same startled look in his eyes as he had when he’d opened the door. He kept staring like he was waiting for Isak to say something else. Isak was practically a puddle of nerves on the floor as he waited for Even’s reply. 

 

“Are you sure?” Even finally whispered, bringing both his hands to Isak’s face like he was making sure he was real. 

 

“Yes. I promise I am.” Isak said breathlessly, putting his own hands around Even’s middle. He once again found himself crying, trying to hold back sobs. 

 

“Fuck, Isak. I thought…” Even was smiling brightly, running his hands through Isak’s hair. “I thought I’d lost you.” 

 

“No. I’m right here.” 

 

Isak knew Even still had a girlfriend. He knew he shouldn’t do this but he couldn’t help himself. He leaned forward and kissed Even’s lips, whimpered at the way Even instantly returned it. Their mouths moved against each other seamlessly, just as they’d always done, and their hands locked them together in a tight embrace. 

 

Isak was so caught up in the kiss - in complete  _ happiness -  _ that he didn’t hear the knock on Even’s door. Neither of them noticed Mikael calling out to them, or how in the next moment the door opened. 

 

Isak only noticed what was happening when he heard a high-pitched female voice blurt out, “What the fuck?” 

 

Even jumped away from him like he’d been burned. They both looked over and saw Sonja standing in the doorway, Mikael behind her with guilt all over his face. 

 

“Sonja, I…” 

 

“I  _ did  _ knock.” Mikael shrugged, walking away. Isak made himself stay put and not run after Even’s roommate. 

 

“What’s going on?” Sonja demanded, crossing her arms in front of her chest. Isak could see that she was trying to put on a front of being strong, but her eyes were filling with tears and her chin was wobbling. “Even, what are you  _ doing?”  _

 

“I’m sorry. It’s my fault.” Isak blurted out. It was kind of the truth. He’d come over to tell Even how he felt and caused all this. 

 

“No shit. You were kissing my boyfriend. Care to fucking enlighten me?” Sonja snapped, the tears rolling down her cheeks now. 

 

“I was upset and I...I kissed him. He was trying to stop me but…” 

 

“Isak, I don’t want to lie to her. You know I kissed you back.” Even said, touching Isak lightly on the elbow and shaking his head. The rest of Isak’s words died in his mouth. 

 

“Why are you kissing your best friend?” 

 

“Can we talk in private?” Even whispered, subtly motioning for Isak to leave the room. Isak was all too willing to get out of the awkwardness, but he also wanted to know what the hell was happening now. He hadn’t been able to finish saying what he’d come to tell Even. 

 

“No. Both of you stay and tell me what’s going.” 

 

Even glanced at Isak as if asking something. Isak didn’t understand where his mind was, what he was about to tell her. He stared back, trying to convey that whatever Even told her would be fine with him. 

 

“I’m in love with Isak. I have been for a long time. I haven’t done anything with him since we’ve been together except share a kiss, though. I promise, Sonja.” 

 

Isak’s eyes were glued to the floor. He didn’t want to see the look on her face. He didn’t want to watch the sadness come across her features or the disgust she might be unable to hide. 

 

But she surprised him. She didn’t sob or scoff. She didn’t take a swing at them either.  

 

“Fucking christ. I knew it. I  _ knew  _ you loved him. This whole time. The way you two stare at each other is unbelievable.” 

 

Isak’s eyes snapped up. 

 

“I thought you liked me, though. Was it all just a sham to try and forget you loved him?” 

 

“No.” Even shook his head. “I...do have feelings for you, Sonja.” 

 

“I don’t believe you at all.” 

 

Even fell silent, apparently out of excuses and explanations. His eyes were on the floor now and Sonja kept staring at him, chest rising and falling evenly. 

 

“I’m going back to Denmark. That’s why I wanted to see you. My aunt is sick and my mother needs my help caring for her.” Sonja said, turning to leave the room. “I don’t know when or if I’ll be back in Oslo.”

 

“I hope your aunt recovers.” Even whispered. 

 

“Thanks. Bye, Even.” Sonja said sadly, turning on her heel and walking out of the room. They heard the apartment door close soon after and Even turned to look at Isak. 

 

“I’m really sorry, Ev.” 

 

“Why?” Even asked, pulling Isak into another hug that Isak was all too willing to return. 

 

“I just prompted your break-up that maybe you didn’t actually want.”

 

“It needed to happen, Issy. I don’t really want to be with her. And it wasn’t fair on her to make her believe I did.” 

 

Isak faltered at those words, feeling how Even clung to him. He still didn’t want Even to get the wrong impression. They couldn’t just pick up where they’d left off. They couldn’t jump into dating. 

 

There still needed to be time where they didn’t sleep together. 

 

“Even, I still want to figure out my own stuff. I still need us to…” 

 

“I know, Isak.” Even interrupted, hands moving back to Isak’s face. He made sure to look right into Isak’s eyes. “I heard what you said earlier today and I want that for you. Whatever you need, okay? I’m not expecting anything.” 

 

Relief rushed through Isak as he understood they were on the same page. For the first time in a really long time, both of them understood how each other felt. 

 

“I just can’t help it if I’m really fucking happy.” Even smiled, kissing Isak’s cheek. 

 

Isak returned the smile, kissing the tip of Even’s nose. “Me too.” 

 

**

 

Isak stayed the night. Even didn’t want him going home so late and the snow had picked up again, likely delaying trams and making streets hard to navigate. Isak watched as Even made up the couch in the living room, bringing pillows and blankets out from their linen closet. 

 

“Do you need anything else?” Even asked, smirking at Isak and blushing as they looked at each other. 

 

“No. I’m fine. Thanks, Ev.” 

 

“No problem. I’ll see you in the morning, then.” Even turned to leave, flicking the lights out on his way. He was nearly back in his own room when Isak called for him to come back. 

 

“I...broke up with Daniel.” He said slowly, unable to see Even’s face properly now that the room was dark. 

 

“Are you okay?” 

 

Isak nodded, realizing that he actually was okay. When Even had left his apartment earlier that day, his mind had been in absolute chaos. He was worried about Sonja and Daniel. He was feeling scared Even wouldn’t ever listen to him or taking his feelings into consideration. He was worried he and Even wouldn’t be able to mend any part of their relationship. 

 

And now his mind was at ease. Things weren’t perfect, but he felt like he had a lot more together than a few hours prior. 

 

“Yeah. I’m... _ good,  _ Even.” Isak said, letting out a small laugh. 

 

Even walked towards him and wrapped him in another hug. Isak couldn’t help but flush when their chests collided - a familiar reaction to Even’s touches. But this time, he wasn’t nervous. His mind wasn’t spiraling, wondering if Even felt the same way as him. He knew he did. He knew how Even felt, and that knowledge relaxed something inside Isak’s body that had been tense for what felt like forever. 

 

“Goodnight, baby.” Even whispered, pulling back. 

 

“Goodnight, Even.” 


	11. Entwine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay!

**Now**

**1 month later - January**

 

Even took a long time to come out of the deep sleep he was in, grumbling as he turned over to answer his phone. He briefly winced at the brightness of his screen, the contrast of it blinding compared to the pitch black of his room. His eyes widened as he realized it was four in the morning. 

 

“Jonas? What the hell are you calling me for this fucking early?” Even scolded, rolling over onto his back as he held the phone against his ear. 

 

“You need to come to the hospital.” 

 

And just like that, Even was wide awake. He sat up in bed and pushed the blankets off, turning the light on and searching for clothes. 

 

“Tell me what’s wrong. What happened? Are you okay?” 

 

“I’m fine.” 

 

Even frowned as he put the phone on speaker and pulled on some jeans and a sweater. “Okay? Then who’s…” 

 

“It’s Isak. Even, you need to hurry. He’s...” Even hung up on Jonas by accident and his hands were shaking too badly to call him back. 

 

Even’s blood was roaring in his ears as he managed to run down the hall and pounded on Mikael and Yousef’s doors. He shouted for them to wake up and get dressed. 

 

“Even? What…?” Mikael asked, rubbing his eyes as he poked his head around the corner to look at Even frantically putting on his shoes. 

 

“We’re going to the hospital. Get dressed right now!”

 

**

 

**Then**

**Christmas Day**

 

Even knocked on Isak’s apartment door too early that morning, the wrapped gift under his arm crinkling obnoxiously loud in the silent hallway. He tried to calm his breathing, get his thoughts under control, but it was difficult. He didn’t know if he’d made the wrong call or not. 

 

He didn’t know if Isak would want to see him because they were taking a break. They were giving each other space. Isak was figuring his own stuff out. 

 

Even should have probably left him alone. 

 

But it was  _ Christmas.  _

 

Isak looked adorably sleep ruffled when he opened the door, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a frown across his face. He blearily looked at Even for a few seconds before he seemed to register who was standing in front of him. 

 

“Even! What are you doing here? What the hell time is it?” Isak asked and his playful tone finally allowed Even to relax his shoulders. 

 

“It’s really early, sorry. I’m heading to my mom’s house but I wanted to drop off your gift before I went there.” He explained, handing the present to Isak. 

 

“Oh, you didn’t have to get…” 

 

“I know.” Even interrupted, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. “But you know I love Christmas. And I always get you something so…” 

 

“Come in.” Isak smiled, opening the door. “I’ll give you your gift too.” 

 

Even stumbled forward, walking past Isak and into the darkness of his apartment. All of the curtains were drawn still, the light barely visible from the sunrise that was only beginning to creep into the sky. Even had taken the earliest tram in the darkness, the sky tinted pink as he’d walked up the stairs to Isak’s apartment. 

 

“You got me a gift?” Even stupidly asked, turning around only to catch Isak roll his eyes. He placed Isak’s gift on the couch. 

 

“Of course I did, you dumbo. I love Christmas too.” 

 

They smiled at each other for a long second before Isak walked towards him. He opened his arms and embraced Even, nuzzling into him. Even had forgotten how snuggly Isak got when he was still tired. 

 

“Merry Christmas, Evy.” 

 

“Merry Christmas, Isak.” 

 

Even felt sure that Isak would end the hug after that; he’d pull away and then Even would leave and their arrangement would still stand. But Isak just held onto him, breathing heavier than before and Even wasn’t going to object or pull away either. Isak being in his arms felt too good for it to be over so quickly. 

 

“Even, I…” Isak moved his hand up to the back of Even’s neck and played with his hair, tugging it back until Even was forced to go with it. This made it easier to see Isak properly. 

 

“What is it, baby?” Even whispered, hands finding their way to Isak’s hips. 

 

“I want to kiss you, but we probably shouldn’t.” 

 

“Probably not.” Even nodded, but his hands just gripped onto Isak’s hips tighter. They were fuller than the last time he’d touched Isak this way and the idea that Isak was putting on a little weight made him extremely happy. 

 

“Do you want to kiss me, though?” Isak asked, his cheeks red enough that Even could see the blush even in the dark room. 

 

“Yes, I want to kiss you. Every day. All the time. It’s always been that way.” Even blurted out, deciding to go with honesty. There had been too many secrets between them and he wanted that to change. 

 

Isak seemed to debate the matter for one last second before he leaned in and brought their mouths together, threading his fingers through Even’s hair softer than he had before. The last time they had kissed -  _ really  _ kissed - it had been nothing but desperation. Sadness. Confusion. They had both been freezing on the balcony with so much unspoken between them. Even had almost felt sick with it back then, the intense longing for what he felt he could never have. 

 

But that wasn’t anywhere to be found in this kiss. Of course Even wanted Isak, physically and emotionally, all the time. But he didn’t have to wonder anymore if Isak wanted him back. He didn’t have all the answers to what would come next for them, but he was at least certain of the fact that Isak loved him. 

 

It was that knowledge that made the kiss softer, more tender - and made neither of them rush through it like the world was going to end if they let go. 

 

When Even pulled back, Isak was smiling from ear to ear. 

 

“What are you doing for Christmas?” 

 

Isak dropped his hands away, putting some space between them, and began opening his present. “Seeing my parents later. Lea flew to Oslo so I’ll be seeing her too.” 

 

“That’ll be nice.” Even said, opening his gift at the same time. 

 

“If my mom is feeling okay. We’re going to visit her. Even,  _ wow.”  _ Isak gasped, opening up the picture Even had spent the past week working on. 

 

It was a sketch of them together in the gazebo - their figures in black and white while the springtime blossoms were painted in watercolour around them. Isak held it up so he could see the entire canvas properly, his mouth agape. 

 

“I hope you like it.” Even said sheepishly, pulling out from his own gift bag what looked like a jewelry box. 

 

“It’s amazing. Thank you.” Isak said warmly, leaning back over for a quick peck on the lips. “Now open yours.” 

 

Even opened the small, navy box and saw a pendent inside. It was a silver knot of some kind, at least eight endless loops nestled around each other in the shape of a lopsided triangle. The knot was hanging from a black cord wire and it was then that Even realized it was a necklace. 

 

“It’s a Celtic knot.” Isak explained, taking it gently out of Even’s hands and putting it over his head. It hung down just below his collarbones. 

 

“It’s beautiful.” Even said honestly, although he was surprised. He’d never worn jewelry of any kind before and neither did Isak. He wouldn’t have expected his best friend to buy him something like this. 

 

“It sort of symbolizes...eternity? Because none of the lines that are intertwined ever end. They just keep going and going...and…” Isak cut himself off, looking unsure of what to say next. 

 

“Were you thinking of something specific when you got it? What made you want to give it to me?” Even asked, trying to make Isak’s brain focus on something else. He could sense Isak was feeling embarrassed but he didn’t want him to be.

 

“I thought of you, obviously, because it’s  _ your  _ gift.” Isak quipped, rolling his eyes fondly. 

 

“I get that, but why did you buy it for me? You’ve never given me anything like this before.” 

 

Even wanted Isak to say it. He thought he understood why Isak got it, but he wanted to hear the actual words. 

 

“I guess I thought of you because...I don’t want this to end between us. I’d like it to go on for...as long as it possibly can.” Isak said slowly, eyes on the floor. “I don’t mean to be confusing, Even. I know I said I needed space and I do but I just...I don’t want you out of my life. You’re important to me and I always want us to be...connected. Like the necklace. God, I sound stupid.”

 

“You don’t.” Even whispered, unable to help himself. He wrapped Isak back in his arms and kissed his forehead, playing with the long hairs on the nape of the younger man’s neck. “You’re making a lot of sense.” 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“Yeah. I promise.” 

 

Even left shortly after, the necklace tucked under his coat. He spent the rest of Christmas feeling stupidly happy, kind of like he was floating on a cloud. He messaged Isak a few times throughout his family gatherings and dinner, mostly to make fun of how drunk his mom got. 

 

**

**Now**

 

The emergency room was calm, hardly anyone sitting in it. Even ran to the front, irked by how slowly everyone seemed to be moving. Mikael and Yousef were telling him to calm down, to take deep breaths, but his mind couldn’t be silenced. He needed to know what the hell was happening and he needed to know right this fucking second. 

 

“Isak Valtersen. Where is he?” 

 

The nurse, a middle-aged lady with greying hair tied up in a bun, frowned at him; her eyes never leaving the computer in front of her. 

 

“Was he brought into emergency this morning?” 

 

“Yes. Tell me where he is.” 

 

Mikael put a hand on Even’s shoulder. “Ev, chill man. She’s looking it up.” 

 

The nurse finally looked up at them, skepticism in her eyes. “Are any of you family to this person?” 

 

“We’re his friends.” Yousef cut in, and Even was grateful. He was about two seconds away from shouting at her. 

 

The woman turned back to the computer and began typing something, her eyes scanning over whatever it was she was reading. Even felt like stamping his foot on the ground, throwing the waiting room chairs into the glass windows. Mikael’s hand on his shoulder was the only thing holding him still. 

 

“There’s nobody in our records by that name.” She said, raising her eyebrows at him. “Do you have the right hospital?” 

 

“What the  _ fuck  _ do you…” Even began, rage propelling him forward. He would have leaped over the barrier between them and throttled her if it weren’t for someone else’s voice interrupting him. 

 

“Even, he’s this way.” Jonas said calmly, suddenly in front of Even. He put his hands on either side of his face, making Even focus on his bushy eyebrows and frizzy hair. 

 

“Bro, what’s going on? What happened to Isak?” Mikael asked, walking with Jonas as he linked arms with Even and practically dragged him down the hallway. 

 

Jonas didn’t answer. Even was rigid as he walked, muscles tight and hurting but he didn’t notice it. He barely noticed anything about the hospital. All he could think was  _ please be alive, please be alive.  _

 

**

 

**Then**

**New Year’s Eve**

 

Mikael and Yousef convinced Even to host a New Year’s party at their apartment and invite tons of people. They’d been planning it before Christmas and hadn’t given him much of a choice in the matter anyway, but he couldn’t be too upset at them. He always enjoyed having their friends over. 

 

“Isak’s invited. That’s cool right?” Yousef asked, biting his bottom lip. 

 

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t it be? He’s your friend too.” 

 

Everyone was told to bring some kind of food and their own alcohol, but Even went out just as the first guests began to arrive to buy some chips and vegetable dips, wanting to be prepared in case people forgot to bring stuff. He imagined it was pointless, but he’d rather be over-prepared than under-prepared. 

 

The music was already blaring when he got back into his floor hallway and he made a note to tell Mikael to turn the volume down. It was only 22:00 and he didn’t need his neighbours calling the police. He rounded the corner to his door and was surprised to see Jonas and Isak standing there, attempting to knock. 

 

“I don’t think they can hear that over the music.” Even laughed, bumping shoulders with Isak and flashing him a smile. “Come on in.” 

 

“Thanks, Ev.” Jonas smiled, and from the looks of it he was already tipsy. Isak shrugged off his jacket and turned back towards Even. He didn’t look tipsy at all. 

 

“How are you?” Isak shouted, voice straining over the blaring noise. Jonas disappeared towards the kitchen, leaving them alone. 

 

“Good! Hold on a sec.” Even yelled, dragging Isak by his wrist towards the living room and turning down the volume on their stereo himself. “Jesus, it’s like they want us to get our party shut down by the cops.” 

 

Isak laughed. “It  _ was  _ a good song, though.” 

 

“You’re right,” Even smirked. “Do you want something to drink?” 

 

“No, it’s fine. I’m trying to cut back.” 

 

“Oh yeah?” 

 

“Part of therapy.” Isak nodded. 

 

Even wanted to ask about how that was going and why Isak wanted to cut back on alcohol, but then multiple people came over to say hello. And after that Even had to deal with some people throwing up in their bathroom, and Mikael having some kind of girl trouble, and then Yousef complaining about the music choice. Before Even found Isak again, it was 23:45. 

 

Isak had made his way out to the balcony and was staring over the side of it, watching some people walk by and listening to the traffic beyond their street. Nobody was with him. 

 

“Aren’t you cold?” Even asked, wrapping the blanket he’d brought out around Isak’s shoulders. Isak smiled at him, his cheeks pinched red and his hair a sweaty mess on his forehead. 

 

“I was too warm in there actually. I just came out like five minutes ago.” 

 

“Having fun?” 

 

Isak nodded but said nothing more. Even kept his distance, not wanting to push the boundaries too far. He was fine with just being with Isak. He didn’t expect kisses or closeness like they’d shared at Christmas, but he didn’t know if he was allowed to ask about Isak’s therapy either; how he was sorting through his own difficulties. 

 

“Lea got sick over Christmas.” Isak suddenly said, turning his whole body towards Even. “She hasn’t gone back to Canada.” 

 

“I’m sorry. Is she feeling any better?” 

 

“No. She’s getting worse actually. Our doctor isn’t quite sure what’s wrong with her either.” 

 

Even could see the sadness in Isak’s eyes - the worry. “What can I do, Issy? What do you need?” 

 

“I don’t know. She’s always been so strong, you know? Kind of untouchable. And now she can barely get out of bed.” 

 

Isak was shivering now, the sweat gone from his forehead. Even pulled the blankets tighter around his shoulders and rubbed his arms. 

 

“She’ll be okay, Isak. I know it’s hard, but I’m sure she will be better soon. Maybe it’s just a really bad flu.” 

 

As Even held Isak close, he realized everyone was inside shouting and clapping. It was weird for all of ten seconds before Even remembered it was New Year’s and it was midnight. 

 

“Happy New Year, Ev.” Isak said, kissing the space above Even’s heart and clinging to him a little firmer. 

 

“Happy New Year, Isak.” 

 

**

 

**Now**

 

Jonas walked them down the hallway and then turned into a smaller waiting room that was empty except for Isak. He was sitting in a chair near a vending machine, rocking back and forth with his arms around his middle. His lips were moving but he wasn’t speaking. 

 

Even looked between Isak and Jonas, feeling completely frozen. His mind was full of  _ thank you, thank fuck he’s not dead  _ but from the look Jonas was giving him he could tell Isak wasn’t okay at all. 

 

“He’s been asking for you. All he says is your name.” Jonas said, motioning for Even to go over. Mikael and Yousef looked equally as confused as Even felt but they indicated for Even to go as well. 

 

Even walked the few feet over to his best friend before kneeling down slowly and placing a hand on Isak’s knee. 

 

“Isak?” 

 

Isak stopped rocking back and forth but he didn’t look at Even. He seemed to be looking right through him, like he didn’t realize Even was there. 

 

Even lifted his hand up and gently cupped Isak’s cheek. “Baby?” 

 

“She’s dead. She’s dead. Even, she’s fucking  _ dead _ .” Isak suddenly sobbed, tears springing into his eyes and torturous cries racking his body so violently that he fell to his knees in front Even. 

 

Even wrapped his arms around Isak, trying to console him and piece together what the hell was going on, but Isak couldn’t answer any of his questions. 

 

“Just breathe. It’s all right. It’s all right.” 

 

“She’s dead. She’s dead. Even, please.  _ Please  _ make it stop.” Isak pleaded, pulling Even towards him like he was trying to climb into Even’s chest to escape; bury himself where nobody could cause him more pain. 

 

“What happened, Isak? Try to explain it to me.” Even begged, hating that Isak was hurting this badly. He could hardly stand to see Isak suffer this way. 

 

But Isak couldn’t speak. He just shivered against Even’s chest, crying and mumbling his name again and again. Even was so overwhelmed with what to do that he barely noticed Jonas leaning over him. 

 

“It’s Lea. He’s talking about Lea.” 


	12. Lea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Isak POV*
> 
> Please check the tags that have changed before reading chapter :)

**Then**

**December 22nd**

 

“I can’t believe you’re coming back to Oslo.” Isak smiled, watching as his sister packed a few more things into her suitcase.

 

She had her laptop propped open on her desk and it faced her whole bedroom. She was walking around and talking while she got her things together last minute.

 

“I’m so excited. How have you been?”

 

“Fine. I can tell you everything when you’re here tomorrow.” Isak said, deliberately not sharing details of his life. He liked talking to his sister in person way more than over Skype. He’d been forced to update her on things over the computer since she moved to Canada but now that he knew she was coming home he wanted to save their catch up for the next day.

 

“Okay, fine. Keep your secrets.” Lea teased, winking at the screen as she zipped up her suitcase.

 

“Where’s Zach?” Isak asked, taking a bite of pizza. He waited for Lea to answer, not realizing at first that she’d stopped moving completely and was staring blankly at her closet - as still as a doll.

 

“Lea?”

 

“We broke up.” His sister said, abruptly closing her closet and coming to sit down on the chair in front of her computer. She attempted a smile but Isak could tell he’d hit a nerve.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

She waved a hand in front of her face. “Not a big deal.”

 

Last time Isak talked to her, two months ago, Lea and her boyfriend of nearly five years were discussing trying for a baby. She had names picked out. Zach had also been discussing wedding venues and dresses Lea saw in a store that he knew she would look beautiful in.

 

It definitely _was_ a big deal. And upon further glance, Isak could see how worn out his sister looked. Her forehead was covered in sweat just from standing and packing for the past twenty minutes - not a task that was particularly draining. Her cheeks were puffy and red despite the rest of her skin looking so pale it was practically translucent.

 

“I need to get to sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow, little bro.” Lea said, ending the call before Isak could say anything more.

 

**December 23rd**

 

Lea arrived at Terje’s looking white as a sheet - the same as she had the previous night. Isak had come over to his father’s house an hour earlier to greet her and help her settle in, preparing coffee for her in the kitchen when her taxi pulled up. As he came to the door and saw her stumbling in, he immediately knew that something was wrong.

 

“Isak, hey!” Lea exclaimed, trying to smile through all the wincing she was doing. She wrapped him in a shaky hug, pulling back to kiss him on the cheek.

 

Her lips were damp with sweat.

 

“How...was your flight?” Isak managed to ask, frowning as his sister walked into the living room.

 

“Oh fine. Long as hell, but I made it.” Lea said, sitting down ungracefully on the couch and leaning her head back.

 

Isak knew logically that people got sick. Sometimes people were so sick that they needed to stay home from work and lay on the couch, drink soup and find medicine to help whatever was wrong with them. But as Isak watched his sister, noticing the way her chest was heaving and how frail she looked, he realized he’d never seen Lea sick before.

 

She had gotten colds but always pushed through them, always went to school and work and university without a second thought. She was someone who drank special teas during the cold season to avoid getting sick. She went to the gym and was in good shape, never ate out much so that prevented her from contracting any sort of stomach flus as well. Lea used to try and get Isak out of bed early in the morning to come running with her, barely breaking a sweat while Isak was gasping for breath fifteen minutes in.

 

Isak was a little bit flabbergasted that his sister looked on the verge of collapse.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Lea nodded but continued to wince as she moved herself in order to sit upright. “I’m good.”

 

Isak was nowhere near convinced but he let it drop. Maybe she had actually come down with the flu and it was a particularly bad one. Maybe she was just jetlagged and her muscles were uncomfortable from airplane seats. Maybe she just needed a good night’s rest.

 

Maybe Isak just needed to chill.

 

**

 

Lea decided to skip dinner and go straight to bed. Isak was slightly disappointed he didn’t get to talk with her and catch up but he knew they would have time later. She was back in Oslo for two weeks. He was determined to find out what happened with Zach and if that had something to do with her state of unwellness.

 

“Your sister needs lots of rest while she’s here, okay?” Terje said as they sat in the living room together on opposite couches, the TV a distant hum.

 

Isak frowned, gazing up from his phone where he’d been looking at old photos of him and Even. “All right.”

 

Terje’s mouth went tight and Isak could practically taste the tension that was sitting between his father’s shoulders.

 

“What’s wrong with her, Pappa?”

 

Terje said nothing. He flipped through some channels as if he hadn’t heard. Isak turned his phone off and got up, sitting next to his father and grabbing the remote so he could turn the TV off.

 

“What’s _wrong_ with her?” Isak snapped, anger and worry racing through him.

 

It was then that Isak realized his father’s eyes were full of tears.

 

“She has cancer, Is.”

 

**

 

Ovarian cancer. She’d found out while trying to get pregnant and the doctors told her she needed a total hysterectomy in order to prevent it from spreading to her other organs.

 

“It’s stage one. Not too bad. I’ll be fine.” Lea explained, lying in bed while Isak sat with her the next morning. He swallowed down the tight knot that had taken home inside his esophagus.  

 

“Did Zach leave you because of this?”

 

“No. I don’t want to talk about that.” Lea sighed.

 

Isak wanted to pursue it, make his sister tell him why the hell her boyfriend who she had been madly in love with hadn’t come back with her - especially now that she had _cancer -_ but he relented when he saw the look on Lea’s face.

 

“You’re having the surgery in Oslo?”

 

She nodded. “Insurance complications. It was just easier to come home.”

 

“When is it?” Isak asked, watching as their father came into Lea’s old bedroom carrying a tray of soup and tea.

 

His father had known what was happening this entire time with his sister. He knew she was coming back for surgery, that her and Zach had broke up. Isak had been kept in the dark. He was trying to push down the anger he felt as he tore his eyes away from his father, seeing Lea blanch at the smell of the food.

 

“January 4th.”

 

They were supposed to go to church this evening with Marianne, listen to the Christmas Eve service and then have a proper celebration tomorrow. But Lea had a fever and couldn’t keep any food down - complications of the cancer that was slowly eating her body. She needed to stay in bed, and she definitely couldn’t handle the food Terje had brought in.

 

Isak picked up the tray and moved it to the dresser, catching his father’s eye from where he now stood in the doorway; timid as a mouse.

 

“I want to see Mamma.” Lea frowned, attempting to pick out something to wear from her suitcase as she sat up in bed. Her hands were shaking violently and Isak wondered how awful it had been to fly alone - waiting in endless lines at the airport, trapped in a small and uncomfortable chair when she felt this badly. It must have been hell.

 

He tried to shake himself out of his thoughts, the constant worry nagging at his mind. He put his hands against her arms, trying to get her to lie back down in the bed.

 

“Mamma will understand if you’re ill. I can just say you have a cold.”

 

“Isak, it’s _Christmas.”_

 

“I don’t care, Lea. You need to fucking rest.” Isak snapped, standing up and pushing down on her arms harder than he’d meant to; making her cry out in pain.

 

Their father was immediately next to Lea, disengaging Isak’s grip from her thin biceps and shoving him away. Isak plunked down hard in his chair again, sucking in a surprised breath.

 

“He didn’t mean it. I’m fine.” Lea said, trying to ease the men on either side of her bed.

 

Terje seemed incapable of words, glancing back and forth between his children as if waiting for something else to happen. Isak’s hands were still hovering in mid-air, his muscles tight and ready to spring.

 

“I won’t go tonight if that makes you feel better, Issy. Hey, look at me.” Lea said softly, reaching out for his hand.

 

Her skin was clammy as she weaved her fingers through his.

 

“I’m... _sorry.”_ Isak whispered, making himself look into Lea’s light brown, caramel eyes that always shone with so much love for everyone around her.

 

“I know. It’s okay. _I’m_ okay. You didn’t hurt me.”

 

“I need to go.” Isak announced, unable to stay in that room any longer. He was beginning to feel sick from the smell of the soup, the feel of wet skin and the eyes of his father looming over him.

 

He grabbed his coat from the hallway, put on his boots and headed to the outpatient building of the hospital.

 

**

 

The hardest part for Isak during his treatment when he was nineteen was talking one-on-one with his therapist. He hated being the center of attention, watching the older man take notes in his journal and keep the tissue box close to Isak in case he began crying.

 

Isak already hated the sterile hallways of the hospital, the endless white walls and group sessions where people explained various fucked up things they’d done while eating or not eating; _why_ they had become anorexic or bulimic. But being forced to sit still surrounded by the same sterile walls, the same smell of disinfectant while answering questions he didn’t have the answers to was kind of torture.

 

His therapist - Dr. Nichols - was never unkind. He was an older man in his fifties who always wore neat cardigans under his white coat and smelled of a subtle aftershave. He wore a gold ring on his wedding finger and had various pictures of who Isak presumed were his children and grandchildren hanging up in the walls of his office. Isak always pictured therapist’s offices with wood paneling or crisply painted pastel walls, leather chairs and random abstract pictures that people buy from auctions.

 

But this office was inside the hospital and therefore had the same stark white walls, the crappy waiting room chairs and boring art of oceans with inspirational quotes above them saying, ‘ _Sometimes in the wave of change we find our true direction.’_

 

Isak didn’t like having to answer questions about his childhood, his mother’s illness, the impact his sexuality might have had on feeling isolated or different. He didn’t like _analyzing_ himself. But as the weeks went by he managed to understand that he needed to look back on his previous actions to fix how he went forward - to know himself more so that he could be healthier in the future.

 

As he wandered into Dr. Nichols office that afternoon, he knew why he was here. He knew why he’d run from his father’s house to the hospital - away from Lea. If he had been nineteen again, before treatment, he wouldn’t have understood himself. But he did now.

 

Isak liked to run. He liked to distance himself from his feelings, from people who stirred emotions within him that he didn’t like. Isak wasn’t great at coping with illnesses. It had taken him a long time to let his mother back into his life after she had bad episodes for months in a row - when she had said a lot of things to Isak about his sexuality that were very hurtful. It had taken him a long time to forgive, to differentiate his mother’s actual beliefs from her hallucinations. He had to learn that he could have a relationship with his mother even though it might not be the one he’d always wanted.

 

Isak didn’t know how to handle new emotions - new worries, and this was often reflected in his eating. On Marianne’s bad days, Isak used to have bad eating days. He’d go all day without anything but water - practically fainting during class. When his mother had good days, Isak would eat normally. She’d have good days for weeks and so would Isak - until she had bad days and Isak was back to not knowing how to cope and back to eating poorly.

 

He’d managed to curve that eating trigger during treatment. He’d managed to eat better during exams as well, something else that also stressed him out and made his eating harder to deal with. Isak had begun working on how his eating was related to Even - something Dr. Nichols had discussed with him a few days earlier when Isak began sessions again - and he was confident with time he could figure out how to deal.  

 

But Isak hadn’t been prepared for Lea’s diagnosis; the prospect of the cancer spreading and her getting worse. Logically he knew Lea was getting surgery to prevent this. He knew it was only stage one. But his mind was racing and he wanted to down three cups of coffee to stave off the hunger. He wanted to drink to be drunk and forget but also to forget he needed to eat.

 

He wanted to do something that would cause him harm to not have to worry any more, to deal with the intense flood of emotions drowning his brain.

 

Dr. Nichols was sitting at his desk, thankfully alone, when Isak walked in - tears streaming down his face.

 

“Can we please talk?”

 

**

 

**Christmas Day**

 

Seeing Even was like a breath of fresh air. He’d come over so early just to give Isak his gift and although Isak was tired from barely sleeping, he instantly felt more awake as his friend handed him his present.

 

Even was doing a good job of not pushing for more. He didn’t pressure Isak into a relationship, hugs or kisses. He hadn’t even texted Isak since that last day, after their sleepover in separate beds. In fact, it was Isak who asked for a kiss this time because he needed to feel close to someone. He needed someone to hold him and the truth was, he missed Even. He missed their hugs. Pancake emergency dates. Everything else too.

 

As badly as Isak missed these things, he knew he could handle one kiss and not want more. He could still stick with the space he’d enforced between them while also enjoying a moment of peace within the chaos whirling inside his head.

 

“Merry Christmas.” Isak said again, just as Even left - waving until he walked out of sight. Isak closed the door behind him, now wide awake, and went to turn on his phone.

 

He hadn’t gone to the church service. In fact, he hadn’t gone back to his father’s house at all. After seeing Dr. Nichols he had come home and turned his phone off, ignoring the messages from his father and sister. He also didn’t answer the door when someone had knocked.

 

Dr. Nichols had told him to try and think clearly about Lea’s cancer. She was getting treatment. She had people to take care of her. In all likelihood, she would be fine. He had asked Isak to continue to eat despite his worries, despite how badly he wanted to ignore his hunger.

 

Isak had managed to eat some salad last night, no dressing and nothing in it but leaves. He’d felt like a rabbit, but at least he’d followed orders.

 

Isak skimmed over the messages, rolling his eyes a little bit. Lots of them were his father being angry at him, demanding that he come back and go to church with him. Then he had messages from Lea, apologies and words of encouragement; reminders that it was Christmas and he should be with their family.

 

The newest one was sent only fifteen minutes earlier, again from Lea.

 

**Lea** (07:01):

 

Pappa is worried about you.

Can you come over today? I want to see you.

Mamma isn’t doing that well, but we should go and see her anyway.

Please?

 

I was planning to be there around noon

Plenty of time before we go visit Mamma

 

Her reply was instant, thanking him for giving their Christmas festivities another try. Isak left his phone in his room to charge, bringing the picture Even had drawn him into the living room. He pinned it up above the couch and looked at it for several long minutes, watching as the light began to fill the room slowly. It was a sunny morning.

 

Isak remembered all the days Even had visited him at the hospital, how many weekends he’d made better for Isak by allowing him to feel like more than just a patient. He told Dr. Nichols about Even during his hospital stay, how Even was his best friend and someone he liked spending time with.

 

Dr. Nichols had waved to them several times as they’d sat in the gazebo, too close together for normal friends. Isak was never asked about the nature of their relationship, only if Even was someone Isak could count on.

 

_“Yes. He’s always been there for me.”_

 

_“He comes to see you a lot.”_

 

_Isak blushed at this statement, nodding. “He makes things better.”_

 

It was this thought that pushed Isak to go into the kitchen and make himself some oatmeal covered in fresh berries, eating slowly as he sat at the table and listened to music.

 

**

 

Marianne was hallucinating that someone was trying to break the windows of her room when Isak, Lea and Terje brought their presents over. She wasn’t shouting or violent, but she was very paranoid the entire time they sat with her.

 

Lea looked slightly better today than she had yesterday, but she still couldn’t stay very long. She got tired very easily and after two hours of opening gifts, eating some lunch and watching some TV, Lea was ready to leave.

 

“Are you sick?” Marianne asked, cupping her daughter’s cheeks and examining her closely.

 

Lea hesitated, placing her hands on her mother’s shoulders. Isak knew it wouldn’t do any good to tell their mother the truth. She would just worry and it might play into her hallucinations. Maybe if she were more well, but right now it wouldn’t be best. Isak knew all too well the hurt of not being able to tell their mother things when she wasn’t in the best frame of mind. It hurt a lot.

 

“I’m fine, Mamma. Just a cold. Merry Christmas.” Lea hugged her and kissed her cheek, walking out of the door and heading to the main lobby.

 

Isak hugged his mother as well, reassuring her that nobody wanted to break the windows - it was Christmas and everyone was with their families.

 

“I suppose you’re right. So smart, Isak. You always have been.”

 

**

 

**New Years Eve**

 

Isak was making himself eat but he hated it.

 

Every time Lea was too weak to have a shower by herself, or whenever she threw up, or every time she fell asleep from exhaustion during a conversation, Isak wanted to stop eating. But he made himself eat anyway; breakfast, lunch and dinner. For once it was the image of Even that made him eat rather than making him stop.

 

He wanted to tell Even what was happening to his sister. Even knew Lea, knew how much she meant to Isak, and on some level Isak thought Even might be able to make him feel better.

 

But time apart was what he’d asked for, and he was letting himself try to deal with his own thoughts, his own darkness, before trying to make someone else do it for him. This was how he was trying to deal with new emotions - marching on despite of them, not putting up a white flag because he wasn’t completely surrendering to his destructive desires.

 

Isak decided to accept the invitation for New Years at Mikael, Yousef and Even’s apartment. He’d spent the last week at his father’s house, watching daytime TV and Christmas movies with his sister while the nurse they had hired cleaned up after Lea. The woman, Annika, helped Lea dress and bathe; made her food she could sometimes keep down and kept track of her blood pressure. Isak hadn’t realized cancer could be this destructive at only stage one, but apparently it wasn’t uncommon. The side effects of ovarian cancer could be quite severe and after Christmas day, Terje had decided they needed more help.

 

“I’ll feel much better after surgery,” Lea stated, smiling as Isak stood in front of her; freshly shaved and wearing fancy clothes for the party.

 

“Okay.” Isak said, because what else could he say?

 

“Have fun tonight. You deserve it.”

 

Isak had intended to drink because that’s what people did at parties and especially during a new years eve party. But Dr. Nichols had suggested he cut back on, if not completely cut out, alcohol.

 

_“Alcohol is also something you have used to justify not eating. You’d get calories from alcohol but nothing else, just like coffee. And you’d be drunk so you would forget to eat. Not a good plan, in my opinion.”_

 

Isak knew he was right, and so far he’d been doing well with coping with his worries about his sister. He didn’t want to jeopardize that.

 

Jonas met up with him outside of Even’s apartment building, music already loud enough to hear from the street. Isak predicted that would bother Even and he was proved right when the first thing Even did was walk towards the stereo and turn down the volume.

 

Isak was stunned a little bit to see his friends. It had felt like the lifetime being with his sister and father, cooped up in the house that now smelled like a hospital. His days had been about staying focused and eating, trying to talk to Lea - watching what her nurse did carefully. Sometimes he’d wake up in the night and go into her room, make sure she was still breathing.

 

The fact that he had a night to do whatever he wanted seemed absurd. It took him a solid half hour before he was able to freely talk to his friends and other people at the party. He had been so stuck at first and Even had rushed off to care to some other people - clean up messes that were being made.

 

By the time it was close to midnight, Isak was sweaty and his throat was dry from talking. He hadn’t let himself get water yet because that meant going to the kitchen and the kitchen was where the alcohol was. He didn’t want to be tempted.

 

He pushed open the door to the balcony and closed it, thankful for the almost silence; nothing but his own breathing and the wind. It was only a few minutes before Even found him though, interrupting the silence but still allowing Isak to feel calm.

 

Isak could tell Even was treading water lightly, not standing too close and not asking any pressing questions about Isak’s therapy when he’d mentioned it. Isak was grateful but he also wanted to tell Even everything, blurt it all out - not to ask Even to fix it, but just so he could remember what it was like for them to speak again.

 

“Lea got sick over Christmas. She hasn’t gone back to Canada.” It wasn’t the whole truth, but it was something close to it at least.

 

Even did what Isak knew he would do - wrapped his arms around Isak and told him it would be okay. Isak said the doctors weren’t sure what was wrong with Lea and that wasn’t the whole truth either. He wasn’t even sure why he said it. Maybe he didn’t want Even to worry. Maybe he didn’t want this to ruin the space they were keeping between each other. Maybe he wanted Lea not to have a diagnosis at all because that meant it maybe wasn’t cancer.

 

And as midnight came, Isak kissed Even’s chest where he knew his heart was - where he hoped Even still held a place for him - and listened to the loud sounds of their friends inside.

 

**

**Then**

**3 hours before surgery**

 

“I’ve never heard of anyone having surgery at ten o’clock at night. That’s so weird.” Isak stated, pushing Lea in her wheelchair down the hospital corridor towards the nurse’s station.

 

“It’s not unusual.” Terje commented, walking beside them and carrying Lea’s bag.

 

“Just means you won’t get much sleep while you’re waiting.” Lea said, patting Isak’s hand.

 

“I don’t care about that. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

 

As they waited for Lea to be called in, Isak nervously tapped his foot against the floor. He had linked arms with his sister and she was going on about something on the show they were watching but he couldn’t listen. All he could hear was the sound of the clock ticking obnoxiously loud in the waiting room that was empty except for them.

 

“Lea Valtersen?” A nurse asked, eyebrows raised expectantly as she came through the door.

 

Isak’s heart jumped into his throat as he got to his feet.

 

“I’ll see you two after.” Lea nodded, reaching her thin arms up for a hug that Isak leaned down to accept. He wanted to say something back to her, something like ‘good luck’ or ‘see you soon,’ but he knew if he opened his mouth he would cry.

 

“We’ll be waiting for you.” Terje said, also giving her a hug and before Isak could blink, she was gone through the door.

 

**4 hours later**

 

Lea’s doctor hadn’t come out to tell Isak and Terje that she was fine, that everything had gone well and she was in recovery. That hadn’t happened yet and it was two hours past the time the doctor said she would be done.

 

Isak’s palms were sweating as he gripped the leather seat of the chair, rocking back and forth. Why wasn’t she done yet? What the hell was happening?

 

Isak opened his phone, hovering over Even’s name. He wanted Even, that was for sure. But he also didn’t want to ruin their agreement. He didn’t want his feelings to destroy whatever progress they had made.

 

He scrolled further down in his contacts list.

 

**To Jonas** (03:58)

Can you come to the hospital?

Lea is having surgery and she isn’t done yet

They said she would be done by now and I’m freaking out

 

“Family of Lea Valtersen?” A man in his forties came out of the door and looked around, realizing quickly that Isak and Terje were the only ones in the room.

 

“Yes, that’s us. Is she okay? Are you her doctor?” Isak asked, out of his chair and rushing over to the doctor.

 

“No, I’m an OR nurse. There’s been a complication. She’s losing a lot of blood and we’re working to stop that. I will update you again shortly. I have to go back now.”

 

The next second he was gone and Isak’s phone began to ring. He shakily brought it up to his ear as his father began to cry and he said, “Hello? Jonas?”

 

“Isak? Are you okay?”

 

“No. I…” Isak hesitated, the explanation the nurse had given them on the tip of his tongue. But instead his mouth began speaking almost without his consent. “She’s dead. She’s dead. I need...I need Even and…”

 

“What? Isak, slow down.”

 

“She’s bleeding out. I need Even, please I…” Isak didn’t know what he was saying anymore, if anything made sense. He sat down on a chair next to the vending machine.

 

“Okay. I’m on my way. I’ll call Even. I’m coming for you, Is.”

 

Isak hugged himself, letting his phone drop to the ground. His father was in front of him, tugging his arm, but he didn’t move. He stayed still where he sat, mumbling something to himself. He didn’t know what, couldn’t hear over the rush of blood in his ears. All he could think was that his sister was gone. Dead. She would bleed out on the table and cease to exist.

 

She…

 

“Isak? Baby?”

 

Even was in front of him now, kneeling down on the floor of the hospital, eyes wide and desperate.

 

Isak broke.

 

He sobbed and screamed, pushing himself into Even, trying to come as close as possible. He squeezed himself so hard against his friend that he felt he couldn’t breathe anymore, the air around him buzzing and muffled with other voices, distant and unimportant.

 

“Isak, listen. Baby, you have to listen to me.” Even said, and suddenly Isak could hear him completely; the world felt like it had suddenly come back into focus. His hands were on Isak’s face, wiping away the tears, and he shook him eagerly; trying to get Isak to stop crying.

 

“What? I...Even, _what?”_ Isak whispered, his voice grainy and throat sore.

 

“Lea’s alive. Isak, she’s _alive._ The doctor is here. She isn’t dead. I promise. Your sister is okay.”

  



	13. Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Isak POV*

“Isak, you’re so damn dramatic.” 

 

It was the first thing Lea said to him as everyone rushed into the recovery room two hours later, Isak restraining himself from throwing his entire body into her. He gave her a light hug, eyes puffy from crying. Terje had come in a few minutes before Isak and his friends - giving him plenty of time to update Lea on Isak’s minor breakdown. 

 

“I wasn’t going to say it, but she’s right, dude.” Mikael shook his head, leaning back against Yousef and smirking. 

 

“What part of ‘complication’ made you think ‘dead?’” Jonas asked, but he wasn’t teasing like Mikael. He stood next to Isak, rubbed his arm softly, and gave him a reassuring look. 

 

“These things happen sometimes in surgery. There’s always a risk.” Lea continued, sipping some water as her heart monitor beeped steadily. 

 

“I don’t know. I got...scared, I guess.” Isak whispered, feeling embarrassed. “It was like I couldn’t think straight.” 

 

“Let’s just focus on the fact that she’s okay.” Even cut in, arm around Isak’s waist. He tightened it as if trying to protect Isak from everyone’s comments. 

 

“I want you to go home now.” Lea said, her voice a little scratchy as she gestured to everyone. “I’ll be sleeping for the next two days. Pappa will come and get me when they discharge me. I’m  _ fine.”  _

 

“But what about the cancer? Did they get all of it? Was there more anywhere? I…” Isak was falling off the edge again, words and reactions happening before he made a conscious decision about them. 

 

“They got it all.” Lea interrupted, shaking her head at him. “Isak, seriously. Go home and get some sleep. I’m okay.” 

 

Isak wanted to stay. He wanted to make sure she had enough water, get a full explanation from the doctor about the surgery. But before he could voice that Even was practically dragging him out of the room. 

 

“She’s right, Issy. Let’s get you home.” Even said calmly.

 

“She needs someone with her, though. I…” 

 

“Your dad is there. He’ll take care of her. You need to sleep.” 

 

Isak knew this tone of voice. Even meant business. Sometimes Isak would argue with him but he also knew his friend was probably right. And it felt nice to be taken care of - put into a cab with Even and driven back towards his apartment. Mikael, Jonas and Yousef followed in the cab behind them - saying goodbye because they were all tired and needed to sleep; headed to their own homes. 

 

“I’m hungry.” Isak stated, smiling as Even practically flinched beside him in the back seat.  

 

“Really?” 

 

“Yeah. It’s been known to happen.” 

 

“Oh...right. I didn’t mean that...I just thought you...Um.” 

 

Isak chuckled, reaching out and running a hand through Even’s messy hair. He still had crazy bed and it was fucking adorable. 

 

“Take a deep breath.” 

 

“Shut up.” Even blushed, leaning forward to change the address of where they were going to the driver. He smirked when he looked at Isak, winking. “Pancake emergency day without the emergency?” 

 

“Okay.” And because Isak was half asleep, his mind foggy with mists of happiness, he pulled Even by the arm towards him and planted a kiss on his lips. 

 

Even didn’t return it, apparently too startled. When Isak pulled away though, trying to regard Even’s features, he was delighted to see his friend’s smile; the blush that was now creeping to the tips of his ears. 

 

“We’re here, lovebirds.” The cab driver announced, coughing into his fist. He was a young guy, probably in his early thirties, and staring at them through the rearview mirror. 

 

“Thanks.” Even said, undoing his seatbelt and opening his door with more gusto then Isak expected for someone who had been woken up at four in the morning. 

 

They managed to get the table that was one of their favourites. It faced the street where normally cars would be driving by, but this early there weren’t that many. It was a table sectioned off from the others, giving them more privacy. Isak had been grateful for it when he was in tears about something during a different pancake morning, Even comforting him and encouraging him to eat. 

 

Even yawned as they sat down, gazing at the menu. “They have a new special? When did that happen?” 

 

“Recently, apparently.” Isak quipped, dodging the straw that Even tossed at his head. 

 

“Enough of your sass, young man.” 

 

“Never.” 

 

Maybe it was the fact that they were both deliriously tired. Maybe it was the all over good feeling Isak had due to his sister being okay. Maybe it was all the therapy he’d done; going almost three times a week to straighten out his life again. 

 

But he suddenly felt like everything was going to be alright. Somehow,  _ he  _ would be okay. And somehow, he and Even would be okay too. 

 

“Even?” Isak asked, pushing the menu in his friend’s hands down onto the hardwood table. Even looked up at him, eyes wide. 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“I love you.” Isak whispered, grabbing Even’s hand and bringing it up to his mouth; kissing his palm. “Just so you know.” 

 

“Okay, you’re trying to kill me.” Even mumbled, reaching for Isak’s palm and returning the kiss. “Fuck. I love you too, Issy.” 

 

**

 

“This isn’t too fast?” Even moaned, slamming Isak up against the wall of his apartment and exploring his mouth with his tongue. 

 

“No. It’s good. So, so good.”

 

Even asked again when they were half-naked in Isak’s bedroom, pulling off Isak’s shirt button by button. 

 

“Even, I’ll  _ tell  _ you if it’s too much.” Isak grumbled, reaching for the belt on his own jeans. “Please, baby. I want you.” 

 

Even kept looking at him as if he were going to change his mind, as if it wasn’t happening at all. Isak could understand why Even would be confused. They’d spent some weeks apart. But Isak could say with confidence that he wanted Even now. Not just for sex. But for breakfast and sleepovers, movie trips and cuddles on the couch. He wanted good and bad, crying through arguments and making things right again. 

 

He loved Even with everything he had, and now that his mind was clearer - not perfect, but definitely clearer - he didn’t want to spend any more time apart. 

 

“You want me?” Even asked hesitantly, allowing Isak to guide him down onto his back and straddle his hips; sucking in a breath when Isak grinded into him. 

 

“ _ Yes.  _ I do. I want you so bad. Do you want me?” 

 

Even reached up and cupped Isak’s cheek, pulling him down for a kiss that made them both breathless. “Yes. But slow. Just...come here.” 

 

Even motioned for Isak to lie next to him, and Isak complied. He made sure they could see each other in the morning light streaming in, touching each other and bringing each other off through kisses and soft breaths. It was gentle, but when Isak came he came  _ hard,  _ moaning Even’s name loudly and coming over his friend’s fist. 

 

“Is?” 

 

“Hmm?” 

 

Isak was spooned against Even’s chest now that they’d cleaned up, more than halfway asleep as they held each other close. 

 

“Will you be my boyfriend? Like properly?” Even whispered, running a hand up and down Isak’s back. 

 

“Yes.” Isak smiled brightly. 

 

“What if I still...trigger you?” 

 

Isak opened his eyes, knowing he needed to stay awake for this. Even’s tone had turned unsure, hesitant and Isak didn’t want that. He didn’t want Even to feel he wasn’t completely onboard with being together. He turned around to face him again, finding his eyes. 

 

“Can I tell you something?” Isak asked, and Even nodded. “My therapist told me to keep eating when I found out about Lea. He said it was vital I did because stress makes me eat less and we’ve been working on how I can make sure I eat during stressful stuff.” 

 

Isak paused, kissing Even’s shoulder and wrapping his arms around him. “I  _ did  _ eat, even when I didn’t want to and the one thing that often made me eat...was thinking about you.” 

 

“Really? But you said when you think of me the opposite happens.” 

 

“It used to. I used to associate having to be thin with you, but...what I kept thinking was how much you want me to be well. How, if you had been with me and had known about Lea, you would have wanted me to keep myself healthy. You want me  _ healthy,  _ not too thin. Because you love me.” Isak explained, wiping away the tear that had fallen down Even’s cheek. 

 

“So, the idea of you helped me be strong when I didn’t  _ feel  _ strong. You being here,” Isak motioned to his chest, the skin covering his heart. “Made me okay. And if for whatever reason my illness tries to associate you and making myself not eat again, we can work on it. Together. But for now, I don’t feel that way anymore.”

 

“Isak,  _ fuck.”  _ Even cried, pulling him into a hug that pushed a laugh out of him; the embrace tight. 

 

“You’re good for me, Evy. And all I want is to be with you and be there for  _ you.  _ Like you’re there for me.”  

 

They fell asleep hugging, both of them exhausted, and when Isak awoke just as the sun was setting, he realized their arms were still wrapped around each other - just as he’d always hoped they would be. 

 

** 

 

**4 weeks later**

 

“Can I tell you a secret?” Even whispered, his voice hushed because their prof had just started the lecture. As usual, Even had brought nothing to their class to take notes with and was instead relying on Isak to help him understand everything. 

 

“Can it wait? We just sat down and I…”

 

“I only signed up for this class as an excuse to see you.” Even interrupted, leaning over and kissing Isak’s cheek; making him blush. 

 

“I figured as much. Not in September, but now it all makes sense. You weirdo.” Isak said, putting a finger to his lips and pointing to the prof. 

 

Even just smirked at him, subtly slinging his arm around the back of Isak’s chair like they were teenagers at a movie theatre. He began playing the hair at the nape of Isak’s neck. 

 

“Seriously?” 

 

“Deal with it, boyfriend.” 

 

The word made Isak incapable of feigning anger anymore. He just smiled, placing his hand on Even’s thigh while he continued to take notes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading. Comments/feedback welcome and appreciated :)

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi [here](http://photographer-of-thoughts.tumblr.com/) or [here](https://twitter.com/photographer_ot) <3 <3


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